[SweetSuicide]

Dane Cook jokes (part 1 of 2)

CAR ACCIDENT:
We love car accidents in this country. We're obsessed with car accidents!
I know your like me, its like 2 in the morning, it's dead quiet.
Your in you're house watching tv, your in bed.
All of a sudden outside at the corner you hear.
SCREECH
Damnit! Shit that sounded like it was going to hit.
You always want it to hit. SCREECH. Come on! Nothing! Uh.
Then when you finally hear the crash your psyched, its like,
Screech where are my shoes? Yes, where are my shoes?
Have you seen my shoes? Fuck it, i'm going out without shoes.
I'm going out shoeless. Right, you come out of you're house,
all you're neighbours are coming out, everyones coming out,
your like waving at each other. You're psyched to see each other,
come on! Lets go, you wanna go together?
Come on lets go, you me and you, no no, you wait for the next group,
you wait for the next group. We'll go as a team, no no you wait,
you wait for the next group.
Then you get out there, its no big deal,
but everyone stands out there for like, 2 extra hours.
Its over, no ones hurt or anything but everyone has to stay out there.
Even if its hot everyone acts like its cold and shit. Hey, whats up (chilly).
Just had to see what was going on.
And It doesn't matter who you start talking to,
I guarantee everyone is having the same exact conversation.
No matter who you get into it with, all anybody is saying like back
and forth is like, Yeah, yeah well no I was in my kitchen,
and i heard it so i came out. You were in your living room?
I was in my kitchen cleaning a dish. I heard it, I came out.
What you were in you're basement? He was in his living,
I was in the kitchen cleaning a dish, I was really cleaning,
and I heard it so i came out. What? Shoes? No, no, Fuck shoes!
Haha shoes, hahaha listen to this guy with shoes.
Hahaha you, Shoes, over here.
And everyone always wants to be a part of like the police,
you know what I mean. We always wanna be involved,
we wanna talk to the cops when ever they come to your, you know,
Officer, yeah yeah, I'm sorry,yeah I just want you to know,
if it helps in your investigation, I was in my kitchen, and i heard it,
so I came out. I will testify in court I was cleaning a dish,
I will bring the dish as exhibit A. And this guy, he was in his basement.
Tell him what you told me, tell him what you told me,
Thats not what he told me, he's lying, thats not what you told me.


SLIP 'n' BLEED:
We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember.
My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause
we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing.
It was yellow, you layed it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water,
run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would of been fun if dad checked for
rocks before he layed it down! Slip n' Bleed from the aaaaanus they
shoulda called this ride. I was like watch this Ma!
*slide* *scream* NOOO! *scream*
Yeah... Luckily I was wearing that pad.
*applause*
I like that one. You don't have to. This is for me. I was a weird kid man.
I had some troubles. I had some problems man. I had some PROB-LEMS.

SPEAK 'N' SPELL:
couldn't spell when I was a little kid, I couldn't spell.
So my parents were all concerned so they went down to the uh toy store.
They bought me a little red box called Speak... n' spell.
You remember that? Speak n' spell?
They shouldn't have called it speak and spell.
What they should've called it was Speak... Like the Devil!
Remember the voice A-E-I-O-U. What was that? A-B-C-D-
*punch, scream* That thing was evil. L-M-N-.
That thing would wake me in the middle of the night like 2 in the morning...
Play with me! Get up, I wanna spell right now! I'm 8 years old.
I spell great. I talk like a freak.
I'm like...Mom, something is wrong! Something is W-R-O-N-G, wrong.

More to come soon!