[ThirdSight]

Animebaby, when a writer hits a bit of a hard spot, they hit that same hard spot in the remainder in their writing. Problems I'll encounter in poetry won't transfer over to my narrative, but problems in one narrative can and will be seen in other narratives that I write. You're posting drafts of works here, which is a good idea, but now that we've located what needs working on, you need to work on it. Posting the same stuff with different setting, different characters, and different plot lines doesn't help any and wastes the time of those you're asking to review your work.

Let's review:
- Make dialogue less wordy and more meaningful. A bit wordy here and there is alright and fine, but it shouldn't make up the bulk of what your characters say.
- Your first lines need to be powerful. Entice the reader to read more, but don't disappoint by having a badass first line with a horribly written remainder of a novel or short story.
- Describe your setting in greater detail. A writer's considered an artist for a reason: we can paint pictures with words and ink instead of colors and pastels. Be an artist.
- Just like with your first line, your novel should entice further reading. Providing too many questions or mysteries about what's going on to the reader all at once will make them put it down. Even mystery and suspense novels know how to put a siphon on filtering in mysterious information and answering questions later. It's tough, but you'll get the hang of it with practice.
- Loose cliches, even in first drafts. You'll have less work to do later, and you'll expand your ability to write tenfold twice as fast, trust me.
- By reading what you've posted, I see a good deal of versatility at times in your word choice, making me feel as if you have a fairly extensive vocabulary, but are holding back. Have fun with language. Write things to be fantastical, even when they're mundane and boring. Don't be afraid to do anything in writing, because you can always go back and change it if you need to.
- You seem to know your characters, but only as acquaintances. A lot of the words they speak seem forced, as if they're reading a script. If you're writing fiction, know your characters so well that you'd be able to point them out when walking the street. At that point, they'll do the talking themselves, and you can focus on other things. Sounds crazy, but the more you know your character's motivations, dreams, goals, troubles, boundaries, etc., the more their own personal voice will work their way through you when you write.

You're well on your way. Just edit everything you do; we don't want to see rough drafts. While it's a great way to get things work-shopped the first time around, after reading a few pieces here and there, reviewers or fellow work-shoppers are going to want to see some improvement.

Keep on truckin'.