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junkomi (Offline)
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03-26-2008, 12:18 PM

Thank you for cheering me up.

I'm doing well. I really aprreciate the resposes!
Don't worry about me from now.
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03-26-2008, 08:38 PM

Are you sure you don't need help with anything else? ^_^


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chin (Offline)
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Talking 03-28-2008, 03:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaymeRachael View Post
Are you sure you don't need help with anything else? ^_^


Maybe you can leave some tips here for learning English.
well, My English needs great improvement too.


Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.
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03-29-2008, 12:44 PM

When you are describing a scene, it is better to go for third person prspective and not first, as it can be very tricky for people like you and me who are in the learning phase. Let me rewite what you have written in the first post.

Quote:
A young girl(this is not me!) is lying on a bed and closing eyes. Whiskers and nose drawn like a cat is on her face. A chinese character which means "king" is on her forehead.
Arround her mouth is dirty as if she was pigging out until now. 4 bottles are surrounding her,although one of them is full of contents, the others are empty.
Let me correct it as much as my tired brain can allow it. Here goes.

A young girl was lying on the bed with her eyes closed. You could clearly see the cat like whiskers, and a tiny black nose drawn on her face. A Chinese character was painted on her forehead. The corner of her lips, were covered with food, as if she had been senselessly eating up until now. She had dozed off on the bed, surrounded by four abandoned, empty bottles.

I hope this helped a bit.


Light today has dawned on my wooden head.

Last edited by girlgamer1984 : 03-29-2008 at 08:46 PM.
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03-29-2008, 01:00 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by girlgamer1984 View Post
A young girl, was lying on the bed with her eyes closed. You could clearly see, the cat like whiskers, and a tiny black nose drawn on her face. Her forehead was painted with a Chinese character. The corner of her lips, were covered with food, as if she had been senselessly eating up until now. She had dozed off on the bed, surrounded by four, abandoned, empty bottles.
Why did you use so many commas in the first two sentences?
Anywho, the sentence "Her forehead was painted with a Chinese character" would sound a lot better like this: "There was a Chinese character painted on her forehead", since you can not paint with a written symbol, now can you?
"The corner of her lips, were covered with food" mismatching singular/plural form (also i do not see the point of using comma in this sentence). So it should look like this: "The corners of her lips were covered with food" (I do not know if both the corners are dirty, or just one, since i do not see the picture).
I would also rewrite the last sentence, since it is not too euphonic.


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girlgamer1984 (Offline)
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03-29-2008, 01:10 PM

Actually I am dozing off right now. I will correct it later. I can't believe I even tried to type it considering my mental state at this moment. As far as comma usage is concerned, then it has quite a lot of rules. I am unsure if you are familiar with all of them. Like I just said, I will discuss this later.


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girlgamer1984 (Offline)
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03-29-2008, 08:54 PM

Quote:
Why did you use so many commas in the first two sentences?
Anywho, the sentence "Her forehead was painted with a Chinese character" would sound a lot better like this: "There was a Chinese character painted on her forehead", since you can not paint with a written symbol, now can you?
"The corner of her lips, were covered with food" mismatching singular/plural form (also i do not see the point of using comma in this sentence). So it should look like this: "The corners of her lips were covered with food" (I do not know if both the corners are dirty, or just one, since i do not see the picture).
I would also rewrite the last sentence, since it is not too euphonic.
There it is correct now. What do you want to ask now. The last sentense is fine the way it is. If you want to rewrite it for your own liking, then feel free to do so. However, then it will be altered to the way that you write. My perspective will be erased from my writing.

Mismatching singular/plural forms? What on earth are you talking about? The sentence is slightly ambiguous, but it is by no means incorrect. When you talk about the lips, then you do use s at the end, unless you want to give some other details about the upper lip or lower lip etc. Otherwise, this is the way it goes. I think you need to be more clear about pointing errors, becaue they were quite vague.


Light today has dawned on my wooden head.
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