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kyorochan (Offline)
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Could you please read my research paper and correct grammar? - 03-22-2009, 11:18 PM

Hello.
I had a research paper assignment in English class.
The topic was comparison and contrast (then-and-now).

The style of the research paper is MLA style.
I tried to put resources after the related sentences, but I think these are very long words. I think I should use short words in each parenthesis. I do not know the best words to make shorter, so please do this for me if you do not mind.

Also, please check my grammar. I do not have a confidence in English because English is my second language...

Thank you.

The History of Cell Phones

In 1983 the first cell phone was invented by Motorola, which was called DynaTAC 8000X. The price was $3,995, so it was able to buy for only rich people. The most important thing that the cell phone does for work is portable communication. People can talk with a partner using cell phones from anywhere and in favorite time, so such convenience would be enviable for the adults who were working the time before 1983. Because technology have developed suddenly as the time changed, three differences of the cell phones were found, which are design, time, and internet.

First, there are many and huge differences in design between the DynaTAC8000X and current cell phones, which are shape, weight, color and size. The shape of the DynaTAC8000X was very thick like a brick, and the weight was twenty eight ounces ("Birth of the Mobile"). The color variation was very few ("This is the original mobile phone design icon....."). The size was 3.5 by 13 by 1.75 inches. It did not have a wide screen, touch screen, and color pictures at the time. In addition, people could not put it into a pocket. DynaTAC8000X was using LED for a screen (“Birth of the Mobile”). The shapes of cell phones in 2009 basically have the rectangular shape. The cell phones can be put into a pocket, so the thickness is very thin. For example, Motorola VE66 has the size of 103 by 50 by15 millimeters, and the weight is hundred twenty one grams. It is very small and very light ("Motorola VE66 review"). Therefore, the size is getting smaller, the thickness is getting thinner, and the weight is getting lighter. These three change with the time.

Second, the time between the cell phone in 1983 and in 2009 is different, for example, talk time, charge time, and standby time. The talk time of DynaTAC8000x was thirty minutes; the charge time was eight hours, and the standby time was eight hours (“This is the original mobile phone design icon....”). The cell phone in 2009, for example, iPhone, which is very popular cell phone all over the world has the talk time for eight hours and the standby time for two hundred fifty hours ("iPhone Delivers Up to Eight Hours of Talk Time.”) The charge time for only ten minutes ("iPhone and iPod touch: Charging the battery"). Moreover, iPhone has the functions of audio, video, photography, and internet, so the times for these functions were added. The time for the internet is six hours; the time for the video is seven hours, and twenty four hours for the audio ("iPhone Delivers Up to Eight Hours of Talk Time”). From these numbers, we can tell that the cell phones evolve along the evolution of batteries.


Finally, DynaTAC8000X did not have the internet function because World Wide Web was not developed at the time. Nokia7110 was the first internet cell phone in 1999 (Hedman). The current cell phone, for example, iPhone has other useful function than the internet function, which are GPS and Wi-Fi. These functions are very useful to get direction of desired destination and to see traffic condition (“Maps with GPS”). From this, the function of the cell phones change and increase by the change of the network environment.

In conclusion, the main differences between the cellular phone in 1983 and the cellular phone in 2009 are the design, time, and the internet. The shape and functions of cell phones make progress by peripheral technology and infrastructure.
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03-23-2009, 12:00 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by kyorochan View Post
Hello.
I had a research paper assignment in English class.
The topic was comparison and contrast (then-and-now).

The style of the research paper is MLA style.
I tried to put resources after the related sentences, but I think these are very long words. I think I should use short words in each parenthesis. I do not know the best words to make shorter, so please do this for me if you do not mind.

Also, please check my grammar. I do not have a confidence in English because English is my second language...

Thank you.

The History of Cell Phones

In 1983 the first cell phone, the DynaTAC 8000x, was invented by Motorola. It sold for $3,995, putting it out of reach for all consumers except the very rich. The most important feature of a cell phone is portable communication. People can talk with each other using cell phones from anywhere and at any time, making the convenience an enviable quality for working people in the early 80s. Technology has improved in cell phones quickly as time goes on, revealing three distinct differences: design, time, and Internet.

Most notably, there are many large differences in design between the DynaTAC8000X and current cell phones in shape, weight, color and size. The shape of the DynaTAC8000X was very brick-like, and weighed twenty eight ounces ("Birth of the Mobile"). The color variation was limited ("This is the original mobile phone design icon....."). The dimensions were 3.5 by 13 by 1.75 inches. It did not have a wide screen, touch screen, or color pictures at the time. In addition, it was not pocket-sized. DynaTAC8000X used light-emitting diodes (LEDs) for the screen (“Birth of the Mobile”). Modern cell phones in have retained the original rectangular shape, but the overall smaller size allows them fit easily into a pocket. For example, the dimensions of the Motorola VE66 are 103 by 50 by 15 millimeters, and weighs only 121 grams. It is very small and very light ("Motorola VE66 review"). Therefore, the overall size is shrinking, becoming sleeker, and the overall weight is dropping. These are the three changes over time.

Second, the length of time between the cell phone in 1983 and in 2009 is very different. For example, talk time, charge time, and standby time. The talk time of DynaTAC8000x was thirty minutes; the charge time was eight hours, and the standby time was eight hours (“This is the original mobile phone design icon....”). The popular "iPhone" in 2009 has a talk time of eight hours,a standby time of 250 hours ("iPhone Delivers Up to Eight Hours of Talk Time.”), and a charge time of only ten minutes ("iPhone and iPod touch: Charging the battery"). Moreover, iPhone has audio, video, photography, and internet functionality which reduces the overall useful time between recharges. Internet-enabled usage time is six hours; video playing time is seven hours, and audio playing time is twenty-four hours("iPhone Delivers Up to Eight Hours of Talk Time”). Analyzing these numbers, we can conclude the evolution of cell phones corresponds with the evolution of battery power.


Finally, DynaTAC8000X could not offer Internet functionality because the World Wide Web was not developed at the time. The Nokia 7110 became the first internet-enabled cell phone available beginning in 1999 (Hedman). Modern cell phones like the iPhone has other useful functions besides Internet, such as the Global Positioning System (GPS) and wireless access (Wi-Fi). These functions are very useful to get directions to a desired destination and to check traffic conditions (“Maps with GPS”). From this, we can conclude the functionality of cell phones changes and increases with changes to the network environment.

In conclusion, the main differences between the cellular phone in 1983 and the cellular phone in 2009 are the design, time, and the internet. The shape and functions of cell phones progresses with the development of peripheral technology and infrastructure.
Quite a lot of information there. I changed some of the MLA-provided references, so if those changes make it too different from those sources, change them back.


Fortunately, there is one woman in this world who can control me.

Unfortunately for you, she is not here.

"Ride for ruin, and the world ended!"

Last edited by Koir : 03-23-2009 at 12:09 AM.
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03-23-2009, 12:34 AM

The History of Cell Phones

In 1983 the first cell phone was invented by Motorola, which was called DynaTAC 8000X. The price was $3,995, so it was able to buy for only rich people. The most important thing that the cell phone does for work is portable communication. People can talk with a partner using cell phones from anywhere and in favorite time, so such convenience would be enviable for the adults who were working the time before 1983. Because technology have developed suddenly as the time changed, three differences of the cell phones were found, which are design, time, and internet.

First, there are many and huge differences in design between the DynaTAC8000X and current cell phones, which are shape, weight, color and size. The shape of the DynaTAC8000X was very thick like a brick, and the weight was twenty eight ounces ("Birth of the Mobile"). The color variation was very few ("This is the original mobile phone design icon....."). The size was 3.5 by 13 by 1.75 inches. It did not have a wide screen, touch screen, and color pictures at the time. In addition, people could not put it into a pocket. DynaTAC8000X was using LED for a screen (“Birth of the Mobile”). The shapes of cell phones in 2009 basically have the rectangular shape. The cell phones can be put into a pocket, so the thickness is very thin. For example, Motorola VE66 has the size of 103 by 50 by15 millimeters, and the weight is hundred twenty one grams. It is very small and very light ("Motorola VE66 review"). Therefore, the size is getting smaller, the thickness is getting thinner, and the weight is getting lighter. These three change with the time.

Second, the time between the cell phone in 1983 and in 2009 is different, for example, talk time, charge time, and standby time. The talk time of DynaTAC8000x was thirty minutes; the charge time was eight hours, and the standby time was eight hours (“This is the original mobile phone design icon....”). The cell phone in 2009, for example, iPhone, which is very popular cell phone all over the world has the talk time for eight hours and the standby time for two hundred fifty hours ("iPhone Delivers Up to Eight Hours of Talk Time.”) The charge time for only ten minutes ("iPhone and iPod touch: Charging the battery"). Moreover, iPhone has the functions of audio, video, photography, and internet, so the times for these functions were added. The time for the internet is six hours; the time for the video is seven hours, and twenty four hours for the audio ("iPhone Delivers Up to Eight Hours of Talk Time”). From these numbers, we can tell that the cell phones evolve along the evolution of batteries.


Finally, DynaTAC8000X did not have the internet function because World Wide Web was not developed at the time. Nokia7110 was the first internet cell phone in 1999 (Hedman). The current cell phone, for example, iPhone has other useful function than the internet function, which are GPS and Wi-Fi. These functions are very useful to get direction of desired destination and to see traffic condition (“Maps with GPS”). From this, the function of the cell phones change and increase by the change of the network environment.

In conclusion, the main differences between the cellular phone in 1983 and the cellular phone in 2009 are the design, time, and the internet. The shape and functions of cell phones make progress by peripheral technology and infrastructure.


I highlighted areas that need to be fixed for perfect smooth English.
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Thank you everyone!! :) - 03-23-2009, 12:48 AM

Thank you Koir and MMM!!!
Thank you for helping me a lot!!
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03-29-2009, 06:02 AM

Thank you MMM and Koir
I received a letter grade of A because of your help!
I am very happy. I really appreciate!

Thank you very much
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