Please help me to correct my grammar mistakes and to fix to smooth English :)

[kyorochan]

Hello.
I need help to correct my grammar mistakes and need help to fix my messy English to smooth English.

This is an essay for my English class. The theme is cause & effect.
My title is "The cause of adolescent children begin smoking"
I'm sorry if you smoke...

The following paragraphs are my introduction, 3 body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Thank you

The cause of adolescent children begin smoking

Children are seeing their parents and are growing up, so if their parents or other adults are smoking, the children may think that the smoking is natural for adults. In other words, the children do not think that is it a bad behavior to smoke. However, the smoking is something very dangerous at the present, and the probability of death and cancer caused by smoking is increasing. The people who have begun the smoking from minors die of more than about four times of probability compared with the people who have begun the smoking from majors. The adolescent children’s smoking is caused by the following factors, curiosity, to look cook, and to be a friend with someone.

First, when an adult is smoking near a child had, the he may have a question why the adult is smoking. This question changes to curiosity because the he doesn’t have an experience with this. When his friend tempts him to smoke, he perhaps will smoke carelessly because he wants to know how the taste looks like. While repeating such every day, poisoning is strong in a cigarette, so when he isn't smoking, he loses his presence of mind. Therefore it is giving the unwholesome effect of the human, has cancer and is dying at an early age gradually. Thus it may be better to educate them what kind of influence a cigarette has on a human body when they are little.

Second, a smoking scene by a commercial or a movie looks cool. The person who smokes at a smoking seat at the restaurant is also cool. Some people may begin smoking by these attractions. We tend to think the priority is a good-looking, so some people may begin smoking for this. However, we should not think about cool or good-looking while they make themselves ill inside the body. Also, even thought they start smoking, their teeth and lungs will get tar, so they will become bad-looking gradually.

Finally, it is not few people who start smoking because they want to be friends with someone who smokes. For example, the senior students who are nicotine poisoning and in music club may tempt juniors that if you smoke, you will be a good guitar player. Even thought juniors do not believe what seniors say, the juniors who do not have accurate knowledge may start smoking because they want to join the club. Otherwise, there are no few children who begin to smoke by the stress because they do not have friends.

In conclusion, the adolescent children’s smoking is caused by the following factors, curiosity, to look cook, and to be a friend with someone. These three are usually environment around us. The strong will is needed to escape from this environment. Also, we need an exact judgment to avoid from a possibility of early death or a cancer.


Thank you for reading !!

[lizzey]

Okay I started correcting your essay. Your introduction is a little bit confusing the way you have arrange some words. You just need to fix and take some unnecessary words. If you want to I can pm you some corrections to your essay. Overall I do get what your saying is just some structure problems.

The cause of adolescent children to begin smoking

Your first sentence is confusing. I made some changes.


Children who grow up watching their parents and other adults smoking have higher possibilities to smoke later in their life time.

[kyorochan]

Originally Posted by lizzey

Okay I started correcting your essay. Your introduction is a little bit confusing the way you have arrange some words. You just need to fix and take some unnecessary words. If you want to I can pm you some corrections to your essay. Overall I do get what your saying is just some structure problems.

The cause of adolescent children to begin smoking

Your first sentence is confusing. I made some changes.


Children who grow up watching their parents and other adults smoking have higher possibilities to smoke later in their life time.

Thank you for fixing!

But I do not know what the unnecessary words are...
English is vary hard to learn...

Could you please tell me what the unnecessary words are?

Thank you for helping me

[lizzey]

Originally Posted by kyorochan

Thank you for fixing!

But I do not know what the unnecessary words are...
English is vary hard to learn...

Could you please tell me what the unnecessary words are?

Thank you for helping me

What I mean by unnecessary words is that you add too much words in one sentence when you can say it in a simple clearer way. Like the first sentence you added so many words that makes your reader confuse. Your welcome! Don't worry English is not my first language either. I usually read my essays out loud so I can correct my mistakes. When is your essay due?

[kyorochan]

Originally Posted by lizzey

What I mean by unnecessary words is that you add too much words in one sentence when you can say it in a simple clearer way. Like the first sentence you added so many words that makes your reader confuse. Your welcome! Don't worry English is not my first language either. I usually read my essays out loud so I can correct my mistakes. When is your essay due?

My essay is due tomorrow, April 8.

Thank you for helping me a lot!!

Have a great day ^^