Hello. Please check my grammarT_T

[Koir]

Originally Posted by kyorochan

Hello
Thank you for helping me every time!!

Today, I wrote a persuasive essay.
My essay topic is "sodas and high-sugar foods should not be sold in public school vending machines."

Please check my essay!!
I was wondering that I should use "I think" or " I agree with...," but I was not sure, so I did not use them so much.

Thank you

Most students get spending money from their parents to use at school for food purchases. Most often, this means sweet foods and drinks from one of the many vending machines found at schools. These products are convenient and very affordable, but not very nutritous. As a result many younger individuals are seeing increases in the number of cavities, body weight, and broken bones in accidents.

Children have an increased tendency to suffer cavities in their teeth. This is due to almost two quarts of sugar-rich soda being consumed per day. Most of the reason why this situation exist is due to advertising efforts of Coca-Cola. The Coca-Cola company aim is 25% of product consumption per year. To meet this goal, Coca-Cola is increasingly focusing on young children as customers. A soda drink is a very strong acid so a tooth dissolves when soaked in the product in as little as one minute. This results in the creation of a cavity. This negative effect is compounded by the lack of regular brushing activities done by young children.

Obesity is also a growing problem in the United States. Many people believe that the cause of obesity is fast food franchises like McDonald's, but sodas and high-sugar foods in vending machines also play a part. A fruit juice (such as orange juice) is healthier than a soft drink; however, the orange juice is actually also a high-sugar and high-calorie beverage. If a student does not exercise after drinking this kind of beverage, they run the risk of gaining weight. The American Institute of Medicine believes that commercial advertisement of foods low in nutritional value can be directly related to obesity in the young individual demographic, so they lobby strongly for self-imposed control by the market or direct intervention by the U.S. government. In an attempt to combat childhood obesity, University of Chicago agrees that public schools should not sell drinks containing high levels of sugar or dairy products containing high milk fat levels. "Big Eleven Traders" such as McDonald's and Pepsi Company have agreed to stop advertising low-nutrition products to children under the age of 12 years.

Bone fractures caused by the negative effects of consuming sodas and soft drinks is increasing in the past 30 years. According to Journal of Adolescent Health in 1994, 76 girls and 51 boys suffered bone fractures caused by high consumption of soft drinks and other high-calorie beverages. The soft drinks have tripled the occurance of fractures in young girls, and Coca-Cola has quintupled the normal rate. It can be concluded that the bone densities of young girls who drink Coca-Cola are abnormally low. In my middle school and high school, I have personally observed many students in plaster casts due to combinations of high-sugar drinks, little exercise, and small accidents. This effectively demonstrates that Coca-Cola and similiar drinks have adverse effects on bone densities.

Cavities, obesity, and bone fractures caused by consuming sodas and high-sugar foods are increasing in children because of the ease of obtaining them from vending machines located in school. I believe there should be no vending machines located inside schools.

Lotsa changes. I'm not personally aware of the whole bone density connection though...doesn't seem plausible.

[kyorochan]

Thank you very much, Koir!!!!!!
I'm very happy


Have a wonderful day!!! ^^

[KyleGoetz]

I'm going to make a few corrections (I used to be on the editorial board of an academic journal, so I'm pretty anal about grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc.).

Most students get spending money from their parents to use at school for food purchases. Most often, this means sweet foods and drinks from one of the many vending machines found at school. These products are convenient and very affordable (removed comma) but not very nutritous. As a result many younger individuals are seeing an increase in the number of cavities, body weight, and broken bones in accidents.

Children have an increased tendency to suffer cavities in their teeth. This is due to almost two quarts of sugar-rich soda being consumed per day. Most of the reason why this situation exists is due to the advertising efforts of Coca-Cola. The Coca-Cola company aim is 25% of product consumption per year. To meet this goal, Coca-Cola is increasingly focusing on young children as customers. A soda drink is a very strong acid so a tooth dissolves when soaked in the product in as little as one minute. (I'm pretty sure this has been debunked by real science, but I could be wrong) This results in the creation of a cavity. This negative effect is compounded by the lack of regular brushing activities done by young children.

Obesity is also a growing problem in the United States. Many people believe that the cause of obesity is fast food franchises like McDonald's, but sodas and high-sugar foods in vending machines also play a part. A fruit juice (such as orange juice) is healthier than a soft drink; however, the orange juice is actually also a high-sugar and high-calorie beverage. If a student does not exercise after drinking this kind of beverage, they run the risk of gaining weight. The American Institute of Medicine believes that commercial advertisement of foods low in nutritional value can be directly related to obesity in the young individual demographic, so they lobby strongly for self-imposed control by the market or direct intervention by the U.S. government. In an attempt to combat childhood obesity, University of Chicago agrees that public schools should not sell drinks containing high levels of sugar or dairy products containing high milk fat levels. "Big Eleven Traders" such as McDonald's and Pepsi Company have agreed to stop advertising low-nutrition products to children under the age of 12 years.

Bone fractures caused by the negative effects of consuming sodas and soft drinks has increased in the past 30 years. According to the Journal of Adolescent Health in 1994 (What is meant by this? Do you mean it was published in 1994? Or do you mean these injuries occurred in 1994? This reads ambiguously.), 76 girls and 51 boys suffered bone fractures caused by high consumption of soft drinks and other high-calorie beverages. The soft drinks have tripled the occurance of fractures in young girls, and Coca-Cola has quintupled the normal rate. It can be concluded that the bone densities of young girls who drink Coca-Cola are abnormally low. In my middle school and high school, I have personally observed many students in plaster casts (I'll be honest, I don't know if anyone says "plaster cast" even though it's correct; I usually just hear "cast") due to combinations of high-sugar drinks, little exercise, and small accidents. This effectively demonstrates that Coca-Cola and similiar drinks have adverse effects on bone densities.

Cavities, obesity, and bone fractures caused by consuming sodas and high-sugar foods are increasing in children because of the ease of obtaining them from vending machines located at school. I believe there should be no vending machines located inside schools.

A few notes: First, in English, we are typically taught to have our thesis in our opening paragraph. Thus, I'd include some statement in the opening paragraph about "There should be no vending machines located on school grounds."

The use of a comma to connect clauses: When A and B are independent clauses connected by a conjunction C, you use a comma: A, C B (I am well, but I am sad.) When A and B are any other combination of clauses (including a dependent clause) connecte by a conjunction C, you do not use a comma: A C B (I am well but sad).

Excellent usage of hyphens. Most native speakers get this wrong.

Maybe consider "soft drink" or "soda" instead of "soda drink." I've never heard it called "soda drink." But, of course, different regions call the drink differently. In the north, it's "soda [water]." In Texas, we call everything "coke" (Do you want a coke?; Yes. I'll have a Dr. Pepper, please.). In other places, it's "soft drink." But I've never heard of a "soda drink."

Does any other native speaker think "kind" sounds less formal than "type" and thus odd in the phrase "kind of beverage"? If it were me, I'd say "type of beverage" in formal writing and "kind of drink" in informal conversation.

Your grasp of the in/at distinction seems strong, but it's not perfect. There are some difficult-to-explain usage differences. When you say "at school," it sounds like you're at the institution (on school property, in the building, on the field, or just "present for the day," e.g.). When you say "in school," it sounds like you're physically in the building, and you can't use this when talking about standing out on the school's baseball diamond.

I think natives (at least those I've encountered in the US) tend to subconsciously follow this rule: "at BUILDING" is the default usage. "in BUILDING" is used to emphasize that you're inside the building itself, and not maybe outside or something.

[kyorochan]

Hello. I had to write a plot summary of the story called "Necklace" by Gui De Maupassant within 200 to 300 words, but my plot summary exceeded 300 words. I don't know what I should omit. Also, I am not satisfied with my usage of vocabularies, word choosing, and grammar. I chose to use all present tense. How does it look? I appreciate your help! Thank you.

Plot Summary: Necklace

Necklace is the story of a very poor woman's huge life changes by encountering a necklace. The woman, named Mathilde Loisel who is poor and married a clerk, is described as a pretty woman and trying to have a rich life delusion because of her cheap belongings. One day her husband receives a party invitation card for him ans his wife, but Mathilde does not want to go to the party since she does not have a dress for the party, so her husband gives her the money to buy her dress by giving up his next summer vacation. However, she is still not satisfied because she thinks that only dress looks awful, so she goes to her friend, named Mrs. Jeanne Forrestier who is very rich and beautiful, to borrow her superb diamond necklace. At the party, Mathilde looks so beautiful and every men watch her and dance with her. Her husband comes to the place of the party to pick her up, and they go back to their home, but Mathilde finds out that the necklace is not around her neck anymore. Her husband searches everywhere with utmost effort, but he can not find it. He finally finds a shop where has a necklace of diamond that looks exactly the same, so he decides to buy it using the money that his father had left for him and borrowing the money. Mathilde takes the necklace to return to Mrs. Forrestier. Mathilde thinks whether telling the truth is the best or not, and she eventually decides not to tell the truth. Mr. and Mrs. Loisel had a hardship in their life, and it takes ten years to pay the loan back for the necklace. Mathilde learns how to do a house work. She meets Mrs. Forrestier unexpectedly, and Mathilde finds out that the Mrs. Forrestier's necklace is not a real diamond.

[kyorochan]

I have an assignment to write an essay about how the characters contribute to the story. The essay has to be within 300 words, but my essay went beyond of that. The thesis statement has to have the key point, how the characters contribute to the story. I chose the story Two Kinds by Amy Tan.

I chose a mother in the story, and I think her existence is bigger than her daughter who is a narrator of the story. Please give me an idea how I should improve my writing. Also, please help me to correct my word-choosing and grammar mistakes because I feel my writing somehow doesn't make sense for the people in the United States. Thank you very much!!


Jing-Mei's mother in Two Kinds, the story by Amy Tan, is a very important character who has the power to dominate the story. Jing-Mei is a narrator who tells readers her perspective and thoughts, so the author makes the readers to believe that she is the one who influences the entire story. As a matter of fact, the author wants the readers to realize the mother is both round and dynamic character, and each of her action is very impressive and has a link to the climax of the story.

The first impression of the mother is that she is a dedicated mother who only considers to educate her daughter. Chinese government puts priority in the education, so China has a slogan, "gearing education to modernization, to the world, and to the future." Since the mother is from China, this slogan puts the role of the mother outside the concept of how the United States educates children. In the United States children do not have to prove who he or she is when they are young. The mother tells her daughter to study various things intensively to become a Chinese Shirley Temple, a prodigy. Since then, each of the mother's commands and emotions become the power to put her daughter's life in risk. Eventually, this cultural difference gives the daughter misunderstanding, pressure and insecurity, and it makes her not to try on anything. Thus, the mother opens the door of the prison, which is created by the mother to be cruel to her daughter, and lets her daughter whatever she wants to do. At the climax of the story, the mother leaves an invisible message with a present when the daughter's thirtieth birthday. This message reminds Jing-Mei what she has done in the past and tells her that let go of the past regret and future concert and try to live in the present as much as possible.

In conclusion, the invisible message that Jing-Mei's mother gives her daughter in the climax is the key of the story. The invisible message is not the torture to sink her daughter the depths of grief and is not even the meaning of the mother is a failed mother. The interpretation of the message is that it is not too late to put a start line even though she is thirty years old. Once she finds what she wants to be, do not stray from the path where she has to go.

[DougLewis]

Originally Posted by kyorochan

Hello.
I know that I am always getting help with checking grammar from you, but I really need you help!!!
Could you please check my grammar?
This essay is for Computer Science and is about ACM.

English is not my native language, so it was very hard to put in my words and change to smooth English sentences, but I think my essay looks very awkward.
So, I need your help!

Please correct my grammar mistakes or word choice mistakes. I'm very happy if you change my sentences to very smooth English.

Thank you very much!!!

Professional Code of Conduct

I feel that ACM code represents a reasonable set of professional standards for computer professionals because it is the organization which people of the various fields cooperate in the worldwide scale. Also, it is because the ethics of the people who organize the organization are making efforts to create useful computer for our welfare.

I believe that it is reasonable because the people who are interested in computer programming all over the world get together and compete themselves. However, human commit mistakes, so if the side where people's wisdom is managed and studied has to be steady, they will go to the wrong way. I think that it is necessary to subdivide the various solutions which ACM holds up, or it is necessary to take the ethics of the people who participate in ACM to the high quality. In other words, usual education is very important. I think it's tied with development of a computer to improve the usual educational quality. Also, I think it's also leading to development of ACM.

I did some minimal editing hope this helps.

I feel that ACM code represents a reasonable set of professional standards for computer professionals.

ACM is an organization which people of various fields cooperate with on a worldwide scale. The high ethical standard of the people who manage the organization are making strides to create useful, safe computer programs for our benefit.

This is reasonable because the people engaged in computer programming all over the world compete among themselves and may look for unfair advantage through unethical behavior. Humans sometimes commit mistakes and without ethical oversight some individuals may be tempted to go the wrong way.

It is necessary to subdivide and implement the various solutions which ACM puts forward ensuring compliance with ethical standards for each segment. In other words, ethical education is very important, it is tied in with development of computer program development and improves overall educational quality within ACM membership and improves quality standards of computer program products.

[DougLewis]

Tips & Tricks

Just another casual observation for what it is worth.

"There is nothing more daunting than coming face to face with a vast wall of text to scale. Most often I will face away from it and seek easier climbs. A small hill is easier to traverse and often has better points of interest.
~Doug"

Sometimes less is best.

The suggestion.

Aim to make your statement succinct, briefly explain the reason for it... offer an opinion if you must, then let the questions therein become self-evident.

The reader will always question for you.

Break up large blocks of text using paragraphs. The reader will love you for it.

[Koir]

That's an interestingly long way to say "wall of text = no reading"

[DougLewis]

Originally Posted by Koir

That's an interestingly long way to say "wall of text = no reading"

Koir

Ah so... but even short should be memorable.