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04-28-2009, 09:44 PM

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Originally Posted by kyorochan View Post
Hello
Thank you for helping me every time!!

Today, I wrote a persuasive essay.
My essay topic is "sodas and high-sugar foods should not be sold in public school vending machines."

Please check my essay!!
I was wondering that I should use "I think" or " I agree with...," but I was not sure, so I did not use them so much.

Thank you

Most students get spending money from their parents to use at school for food purchases. Most often, this means sweet foods and drinks from one of the many vending machines found at schools. These products are convenient and very affordable, but not very nutritous. As a result many younger individuals are seeing increases in the number of cavities, body weight, and broken bones in accidents.

Children have an increased tendency to suffer cavities in their teeth. This is due to almost two quarts of sugar-rich soda being consumed per day. Most of the reason why this situation exist is due to advertising efforts of Coca-Cola. The Coca-Cola company aim is 25% of product consumption per year. To meet this goal, Coca-Cola is increasingly focusing on young children as customers. A soda drink is a very strong acid so a tooth dissolves when soaked in the product in as little as one minute. This results in the creation of a cavity. This negative effect is compounded by the lack of regular brushing activities done by young children.

Obesity is also a growing problem in the United States. Many people believe that the cause of obesity is fast food franchises like McDonald's, but sodas and high-sugar foods in vending machines also play a part. A fruit juice (such as orange juice) is healthier than a soft drink; however, the orange juice is actually also a high-sugar and high-calorie beverage. If a student does not exercise after drinking this kind of beverage, they run the risk of gaining weight. The American Institute of Medicine believes that commercial advertisement of foods low in nutritional value can be directly related to obesity in the young individual demographic, so they lobby strongly for self-imposed control by the market or direct intervention by the U.S. government. In an attempt to combat childhood obesity, University of Chicago agrees that public schools should not sell drinks containing high levels of sugar or dairy products containing high milk fat levels. "Big Eleven Traders" such as McDonald's and Pepsi Company have agreed to stop advertising low-nutrition products to children under the age of 12 years.

Bone fractures caused by the negative effects of consuming sodas and soft drinks is increasing in the past 30 years. According to Journal of Adolescent Health in 1994, 76 girls and 51 boys suffered bone fractures caused by high consumption of soft drinks and other high-calorie beverages. The soft drinks have tripled the occurance of fractures in young girls, and Coca-Cola has quintupled the normal rate. It can be concluded that the bone densities of young girls who drink Coca-Cola are abnormally low. In my middle school and high school, I have personally observed many students in plaster casts due to combinations of high-sugar drinks, little exercise, and small accidents. This effectively demonstrates that Coca-Cola and similiar drinks have adverse effects on bone densities.

Cavities, obesity, and bone fractures caused by consuming sodas and high-sugar foods are increasing in children because of the ease of obtaining them from vending machines located in school. I believe there should be no vending machines located inside schools.
Lotsa changes. I'm not personally aware of the whole bone density connection though...doesn't seem plausible.


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Unfortunately for you, she is not here.

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04-28-2009, 09:51 PM

Thank you very much, Koir!!!!!!
I'm very happy


Have a wonderful day!!! ^^
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06-07-2009, 10:35 PM

I'm going to make a few corrections (I used to be on the editorial board of an academic journal, so I'm pretty anal about grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc.).

Quote:
Most students get spending money from their parents to use at school for food purchases. Most often, this means sweet foods and drinks from one of the many vending machines found at school. These products are convenient and very affordable (removed comma) but not very nutritous. As a result many younger individuals are seeing an increase in the number of cavities, body weight, and broken bones in accidents.

Children have an increased tendency to suffer cavities in their teeth. This is due to almost two quarts of sugar-rich soda being consumed per day. Most of the reason why this situation exists is due to the advertising efforts of Coca-Cola. The Coca-Cola company aim is 25% of product consumption per year. To meet this goal, Coca-Cola is increasingly focusing on young children as customers. A soda drink is a very strong acid so a tooth dissolves when soaked in the product in as little as one minute. (I'm pretty sure this has been debunked by real science, but I could be wrong) This results in the creation of a cavity. This negative effect is compounded by the lack of regular brushing activities done by young children.

Obesity is also a growing problem in the United States. Many people believe that the cause of obesity is fast food franchises like McDonald's, but sodas and high-sugar foods in vending machines also play a part. A fruit juice (such as orange juice) is healthier than a soft drink; however, the orange juice is actually also a high-sugar and high-calorie beverage. If a student does not exercise after drinking this kind of beverage, they run the risk of gaining weight. The American Institute of Medicine believes that commercial advertisement of foods low in nutritional value can be directly related to obesity in the young individual demographic, so they lobby strongly for self-imposed control by the market or direct intervention by the U.S. government. In an attempt to combat childhood obesity, University of Chicago agrees that public schools should not sell drinks containing high levels of sugar or dairy products containing high milk fat levels. "Big Eleven Traders" such as McDonald's and Pepsi Company have agreed to stop advertising low-nutrition products to children under the age of 12 years.

Bone fractures caused by the negative effects of consuming sodas and soft drinks has increased in the past 30 years. According to the Journal of Adolescent Health in 1994 (What is meant by this? Do you mean it was published in 1994? Or do you mean these injuries occurred in 1994? This reads ambiguously.), 76 girls and 51 boys suffered bone fractures caused by high consumption of soft drinks and other high-calorie beverages. The soft drinks have tripled the occurance of fractures in young girls, and Coca-Cola has quintupled the normal rate. It can be concluded that the bone densities of young girls who drink Coca-Cola are abnormally low. In my middle school and high school, I have personally observed many students in plaster casts (I'll be honest, I don't know if anyone says "plaster cast" even though it's correct; I usually just hear "cast") due to combinations of high-sugar drinks, little exercise, and small accidents. This effectively demonstrates that Coca-Cola and similiar drinks have adverse effects on bone densities.

Cavities, obesity, and bone fractures caused by consuming sodas and high-sugar foods are increasing in children because of the ease of obtaining them from vending machines located at school. I believe there should be no vending machines located inside schools.
A few notes: First, in English, we are typically taught to have our thesis in our opening paragraph. Thus, I'd include some statement in the opening paragraph about "There should be no vending machines located on school grounds."

The use of a comma to connect clauses: When A and B are independent clauses connected by a conjunction C, you use a comma: A, C B (I am well, but I am sad.) When A and B are any other combination of clauses (including a dependent clause) connecte by a conjunction C, you do not use a comma: A C B (I am well but sad).

Excellent usage of hyphens. Most native speakers get this wrong.

Maybe consider "soft drink" or "soda" instead of "soda drink." I've never heard it called "soda drink." But, of course, different regions call the drink differently. In the north, it's "soda [water]." In Texas, we call everything "coke" (Do you want a coke?; Yes. I'll have a Dr. Pepper, please.). In other places, it's "soft drink." But I've never heard of a "soda drink."

Does any other native speaker think "kind" sounds less formal than "type" and thus odd in the phrase "kind of beverage"? If it were me, I'd say "type of beverage" in formal writing and "kind of drink" in informal conversation.

Your grasp of the in/at distinction seems strong, but it's not perfect. There are some difficult-to-explain usage differences. When you say "at school," it sounds like you're at the institution (on school property, in the building, on the field, or just "present for the day," e.g.). When you say "in school," it sounds like you're physically in the building, and you can't use this when talking about standing out on the school's baseball diamond.

I think natives (at least those I've encountered in the US) tend to subconsciously follow this rule: "at BUILDING" is the default usage. "in BUILDING" is used to emphasize that you're inside the building itself, and not maybe outside or something.
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Could you please correct my plot summary? - 09-05-2009, 01:36 AM

Hello. I had to write a plot summary of the story called "Necklace" by Gui De Maupassant within 200 to 300 words, but my plot summary exceeded 300 words. I don't know what I should omit. Also, I am not satisfied with my usage of vocabularies, word choosing, and grammar. I chose to use all present tense. How does it look? I appreciate your help! Thank you.

Plot Summary: Necklace

Necklace is the story of a very poor woman's huge life changes by encountering a necklace. The woman, named Mathilde Loisel who is poor and married a clerk, is described as a pretty woman and trying to have a rich life delusion because of her cheap belongings. One day her husband receives a party invitation card for him ans his wife, but Mathilde does not want to go to the party since she does not have a dress for the party, so her husband gives her the money to buy her dress by giving up his next summer vacation. However, she is still not satisfied because she thinks that only dress looks awful, so she goes to her friend, named Mrs. Jeanne Forrestier who is very rich and beautiful, to borrow her superb diamond necklace. At the party, Mathilde looks so beautiful and every men watch her and dance with her. Her husband comes to the place of the party to pick her up, and they go back to their home, but Mathilde finds out that the necklace is not around her neck anymore. Her husband searches everywhere with utmost effort, but he can not find it. He finally finds a shop where has a necklace of diamond that looks exactly the same, so he decides to buy it using the money that his father had left for him and borrowing the money. Mathilde takes the necklace to return to Mrs. Forrestier. Mathilde thinks whether telling the truth is the best or not, and she eventually decides not to tell the truth. Mr. and Mrs. Loisel had a hardship in their life, and it takes ten years to pay the loan back for the necklace. Mathilde learns how to do a house work. She meets Mrs. Forrestier unexpectedly, and Mathilde finds out that the Mrs. Forrestier's necklace is not a real diamond.

Last edited by kyorochan : 09-05-2009 at 11:26 PM.
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How the characters contribute to the story. - 09-26-2009, 05:07 PM

I have an assignment to write an essay about how the characters contribute to the story. The essay has to be within 300 words, but my essay went beyond of that. The thesis statement has to have the key point, how the characters contribute to the story. I chose the story Two Kinds by Amy Tan.

I chose a mother in the story, and I think her existence is bigger than her daughter who is a narrator of the story. Please give me an idea how I should improve my writing. Also, please help me to correct my word-choosing and grammar mistakes because I feel my writing somehow doesn't make sense for the people in the United States. Thank you very much!!


Jing-Mei's mother in Two Kinds, the story by Amy Tan, is a very important character who has the power to dominate the story. Jing-Mei is a narrator who tells readers her perspective and thoughts, so the author makes the readers to believe that she is the one who influences the entire story. As a matter of fact, the author wants the readers to realize the mother is both round and dynamic character, and each of her action is very impressive and has a link to the climax of the story.

The first impression of the mother is that she is a dedicated mother who only considers to educate her daughter. Chinese government puts priority in the education, so China has a slogan, "gearing education to modernization, to the world, and to the future." Since the mother is from China, this slogan puts the role of the mother outside the concept of how the United States educates children. In the United States children do not have to prove who he or she is when they are young. The mother tells her daughter to study various things intensively to become a Chinese Shirley Temple, a prodigy. Since then, each of the mother's commands and emotions become the power to put her daughter's life in risk. Eventually, this cultural difference gives the daughter misunderstanding, pressure and insecurity, and it makes her not to try on anything. Thus, the mother opens the door of the prison, which is created by the mother to be cruel to her daughter, and lets her daughter whatever she wants to do. At the climax of the story, the mother leaves an invisible message with a present when the daughter's thirtieth birthday. This message reminds Jing-Mei what she has done in the past and tells her that let go of the past regret and future concert and try to live in the present as much as possible.

In conclusion, the invisible message that Jing-Mei's mother gives her daughter in the climax is the key of the story. The invisible message is not the torture to sink her daughter the depths of grief and is not even the meaning of the mother is a failed mother. The interpretation of the message is that it is not too late to put a start line even though she is thirty years old. Once she finds what she wants to be, do not stray from the path where she has to go.
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10-09-2009, 09:31 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by kyorochan View Post
Hello.
I know that I am always getting help with checking grammar from you, but I really need you help!!!
Could you please check my grammar?
This essay is for Computer Science and is about ACM.

English is not my native language, so it was very hard to put in my words and change to smooth English sentences, but I think my essay looks very awkward.
So, I need your help!

Please correct my grammar mistakes or word choice mistakes. I'm very happy if you change my sentences to very smooth English.

Thank you very much!!!

Professional Code of Conduct

I feel that ACM code represents a reasonable set of professional standards for computer professionals because it is the organization which people of the various fields cooperate in the worldwide scale. Also, it is because the ethics of the people who organize the organization are making efforts to create useful computer for our welfare.

I believe that it is reasonable because the people who are interested in computer programming all over the world get together and compete themselves. However, human commit mistakes, so if the side where people's wisdom is managed and studied has to be steady, they will go to the wrong way. I think that it is necessary to subdivide the various solutions which ACM holds up, or it is necessary to take the ethics of the people who participate in ACM to the high quality. In other words, usual education is very important. I think it's tied with development of a computer to improve the usual educational quality. Also, I think it's also leading to development of ACM.
I did some minimal editing hope this helps.

I feel that ACM code represents a reasonable set of professional standards for computer professionals.

ACM is an organization which people of various fields cooperate with on a worldwide scale. The high ethical standard of the people who manage the organization are making strides to create useful, safe computer programs for our benefit.

This is reasonable because the people engaged in computer programming all over the world compete among themselves and may look for unfair advantage through unethical behavior. Humans sometimes commit mistakes and without ethical oversight some individuals may be tempted to go the wrong way.

It is necessary to subdivide and implement the various solutions which ACM puts forward ensuring compliance with ethical standards for each segment. In other words, ethical education is very important, it is tied in with development of computer program development and improves overall educational quality within ACM membership and improves quality standards of computer program products.



Oh well!
"There is culture, there is language.
One day, there will be common understanding.
With that, comes empathy and compassion"
~DL
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10-15-2009, 02:05 AM

Tips & Tricks

Just another casual observation for what it is worth.

"There is nothing more daunting than coming face to face with a vast wall of text to scale. Most often I will face away from it and seek easier climbs. A small hill is easier to traverse and often has better points of interest.
~Doug"

Sometimes less is best.

The suggestion.

Aim to make your statement succinct, briefly explain the reason for it... offer an opinion if you must, then let the questions therein become self-evident.

The reader will always question for you.

Break up large blocks of text using paragraphs. The reader will love you for it.



Oh well!
"There is culture, there is language.
One day, there will be common understanding.
With that, comes empathy and compassion"
~DL

Last edited by DougLewis : 10-15-2009 at 02:09 AM.
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10-15-2009, 02:17 AM

That's an interestingly long way to say "wall of text = no reading"


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10-15-2009, 02:43 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Koir View Post
That's an interestingly long way to say "wall of text = no reading"
Koir

Ah so... but even short should be memorable.



Oh well!
"There is culture, there is language.
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With that, comes empathy and compassion"
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Internet and Political Knowledge. - 11-29-2009, 02:50 AM

Hello. I wrote an argumentative essay and topic is Internet and Political Knowledge. I wrote introduction and body paragraphs. I would like to correct my grammar mistakes and word choice. I am having a lot of grammar problems... I know I am getting a lot of help from you, but I need your help. I would appreciate any help! Thank you very much!

Our Politics textbook states that public trust in American government has declined, and that Americans do not feel confident that they influence governmental policy. It is not clear if the cause is a lack of political knowledge or merely lack of interest. According to Pew Internet and American Life Survey, young Americans use of news sources during the 2008 election showed TV to be the primary source, followed by the Internet. However, I think the Internet is the primary source among young people. The Internet is more versatile than TV and provides constant availability. Also, most TV programs fail to provide detailed information, and they are not interactive. Therefore, I want readers to understand that the Internet does make citizens politically informed and increases their sense of political efficacy.

Political surveys, such as “How long is the term of office for a U.S. Senator?” is a way to determine how well informed the public is. Differential motivations within survey interviews van distort political knowledge measures and bias conclusions that come from the data. According to percentage of the population reporting that they voted 2004, the percentage of voters in the 8th grade or lower was fifty-five percent, thirty-five percent were schoolers, fifty-five percent were high school graduates, seventy percent were college students, and seventy-five percent were college graduates. The people who are more educated are better equipped to answer for the survey because they are educated in regards to politics at their schools and have learned how to use popular internet sources to get political information. Other sources, such as books, are also useful, but the Internet sources are faster than the books to search something.

Although I think that Internet is the primary source for gathering the political information, there are some disadvantages. There is so much information, so it is hard to sorting out particular issue. Also, there is a possibility of danger of finding unwanted information. Moreover, there is a possibility of damage by virus or spyware. On the other hand, advantages are that I am able to get various information everyday for 24 hours. I cannot watch TV if it is not televising, and I cannot read newspaper if it is not published. Also, the information can be saved. The data can be downloaded. It is possible to gather international information. Volume of the information is very enormous and unlimited in particular to a delivery. It makes a quick report. And it is possible to search for information. The information and my idea can be shared.

Disadvantages of TV are that I cannot share the information that I have gotten, so there is no way to be evaluated my opinion by others. The information is biased. Basically TV cannot skip commercials, so it is impossible to get the information I want like the Internet. TV provides the same news over and over again, so I am sick of watching them. However, it is difficult to get missed information again if I did not record a scene. There are advantages that only TV has. The information is enormous; it is enough utility value for documentary. TV can provide atmosphere of art exhibition or baseball broadcasting that words cannot express. The historical fastest information as on-the-spot TV coverage can also be made only by a television as expected.

Even though TV can provide the information very fast, is the information really true? As voting day gets near, I can see a commercial that compares two candidates. Propaganda like I should vote candidate A, not candidate B is conventional and boring. I think this commercial aims to decreases one’s value. Is this because the candidate A provided TV station lots of bribe, or is this because the TV station just dislike the candidate B? What is the real purpose of this commercial? I would say it is impossible to get the answers for these questions through the TV. If a very entertain TV shows comes next while thinking about these answers alone, I would forget what I was thinking and will fascinated by the entertainment. If I am remembering that commercial on the voting day subconsciously and vote for that candidate, it might have a negative impact on both other citizens and me. I assume it becomes that I cannot vote for one who I want, so I cannot be a part of active citizen.

The propaganda exists on the Internet, too. For example, if I visit a web page, I usually see flash movie. When it was near to the voting day, I have seen that the flash movie said to vote someone. User does not decide to vote that person. The user goes to the page’s forum and discuss with other people about their opinion, so the user can take second look. During the 2007-2008 U.S. presidential primaries, CNN partnered with YouTube, and people could post their thirty-second question videos to get the candidates’ opinion. I think it was appropriate for current Internet technology. In total, nearly 8000 citizens’ videos were posted. Most young people visit on YouTube and enjoy posting their videos or watching others’ videos, so I think that this CNN/YouTube debate was targeting young citizens’ participation. Approximately 41 percent turnout of 18- to 29 year-olds in 2000 cast a ballot, but 52 percent of young citizens (18- to 29 year-olds) cast a ballot in 2008. Also, nearly two third of all question selected for inclusion by CNN and put to the candidates was college students. The Republican’s November YouTube debate attracted the largest viewing audience – nearly 5 million viewers. Also, Democrat’s July debate drew 2.6 million viewers. These numbers say it was the biggest audiences since measurements began in 1992 for a cable news debate of those between 18 and 24, so their political activity has changed. Accordingly, many emails, text messages, and Facebook posts are also successful in mobilizing younger voters like never before.

Citizens’ knowledge and their strong argument can provide the most important benefit to governmental activity. The Internet that includes sociable factors that TV does not have provides citizens information easily, and it increases their political knowledge. TV and newspaper, mass media, cannot be made up without their sponsors, but the Internet’s sponsors are users. The Internet sponsor could be arising if it is an interesting opinion for the sponsor. In other words, the sender of information chooses sponsor; there might be few people who just wish to have many sponsors like media. Media can bring many opinions together and make them to one particular opinion, so the media can be biased. However, the Internet has enormous choices, so I can make a choice whether it is good or bad. Therefore, I think the Internet is outstanding than the media. In addition, if the Internet can be controlled by some big power, I can say that an individual opinion can be controlled easily like the media.

Last edited by kyorochan : 11-29-2009 at 03:44 AM.
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