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Khengi's Avatar
Khengi (Offline)
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俺の漫画のダイアログは、評論してください - 06-29-2009, 10:02 PM

このところ、僕の斬新な漫画を描いてる。漫画のダイア ログが英語と日本語を書いてだが、日本語ダイアログで 練習のためにつもりだ。このスレで、日本語ダイアログ の評論がほしい、そして間違いがあるなら助けてくれる 。 :)

これは漫画の抜粋:

http://i138.photobucket.com/albums/q...angapage-1.png

この抜粋に左の言葉「時間殺さまはケイジとリーオンを 見つけた!どうしよか?!!」と言ってる。

オノマトペアっては、「カッチャッ!」 (これはジカ ンの道場の音はずだ)

(I am mostly asking the opinion of a native as they know the subtle differences I'm looking for: can you critique the page's dialogue?)

(note: I know the art isn't too good, I haven't actively drawn in a while, so I have to get back into the fray of things)
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06-29-2009, 11:47 PM

Regarding the two vertical lines:

1. Flip them around. First part should be placed on the right.
2. Get that horizontal elongation bar vertical.
3. 見つけた > 探し出した. 見つけた sounds too childish.
  どうしようか > さて、どうする.  どうしようか there just sounds foreign.

In the bubble: I would say, 「フッ、これで終わりだぜ、このガキ・・・」.

Finally, カッチャッ > カチャッ.
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DigitalFreya (Offline)
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07-02-2009, 02:18 AM

I think the art is good, it's better than what I could do, but I really don't know what to put for the speech bubble mostly because I don't read Japanese, and I don't know what's going on.
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07-02-2009, 02:52 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by DigitalFreya View Post
I think the art is good, it's better than what I could do, but I really don't know what to put for the speech bubble mostly because I don't read Japanese, and I don't know what's going on.
Why post then?
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