English to Japanese Translation Tweaking

[KyleGoetz]

最初の投稿者：arishin

J: "Caster, umaku iu to omae mitai na hito to keiyaku wo kawashita koto kanshashite-te yo. Kyouchi ga chigattara omae no kuchi wo aketa mae ni sugu kakushimashita."

I read your post.
I don't know what the situation you describe is/
So, I only guess.

1, 2, probably OK.
but 3 is something wrong.

the script is not normal use in japan.
"umaku iu to" sounds slightly wrong to me.

"umaku ie nai kedo" is useful in normal conversation.
"umaku ie nai kedo" mean "It's hard to say" " It's hard to describe"
(I cant find the word to describe)

"umaku iu to" is the contrary.
sentence may be right and possible.
but ... In the context, sound meaningless, If me, I don't use.

but I don't know Japanese grammar well.

"omae mitai na hito" mean
just like you
You is you but
someone just like you. is nice.
omae is you, but if you say
"omae mitai na hito" awaken me feeling that
speaker has some kind of emotion,
contempt or awe or respect. what kind of emotion he has is unsure.
It is depend on readers.

This is useful.
"omae mitai na hito mita koto nai."
I haven't seen someone just like you before.
"anata mitai na hito ni naritai"
I want to be someone just like you.

Speaker feel thank for making contract with Caster.
Caster might enemy, but Speaker respect him.
That stand for mixed feeling.
"So You should grateful" is not unsure.
But I don't know how to say in English.

Kyouchi ga chigattara omae no kuchi wo aketa mae ni sugu kakushimashita
this phrase is stranger.
especially "kakushimashita"
omae sound rough
but kakushimashita suddunly polite and civil speaking

Oh, It's time to sleep.
see you.

Good night.

I feel like I just read a TS Eliot poem.

[KyleGoetz]

最初の投稿者：filiadragongurl

Thank you for the reply and trying to help. I'm not quite sure I understood everything you were trying to say, but to make the situation more clear, in Fate/Stay night, epic heros are summoned by magicians in order to participate in a war together to obtain the Holy Grail.

It is a master servant relationship where Assassin (the speaker here) is the servant, and Caster (who he is speaking about/to) is the master. He doesn't like Caster very much and is trying to say so, but he also has this servant relationship with her, so is being at least somewhat polite. Caster apparently is a motormouth and is alway talking, which annoys Assassin to no end.

I realize that saying omae sounds rough and kakushimashita sounds suddenly polite, but I wasn't sure how to fluidly get the feelings/relationship described above. If you have a suggestion on how to fix it, please let me know.

Please also note that I slightly changed the third line because I found a word for "opening one's mouth." It is now "kaikou shita" or 開口した. (Actually, I'm not sure if it goes with "suru"... I just assume it does because kaikou sounds like a noun for "open mouth") This is also not exactly what the English asked for, but it was referring to her speaking constantly, so I went with this since it was something as close as I could think of.


Also, I was trying to capture "I will put it as eloquently as I can" with "umaku iu to"(うまく言うと)... it was all I could think of... Again, any suggestions for a change to make it better would be great.

with "omae mitai na hito"(お前みたいな人) I was going for "someone like you" since the English I am going from is "I am bound to someone like you". He's saying that he hates people like Caster and would have killed her if they were not bound by the servant-master relationship in the Holy Grail War.

This situation about translating something into Japanese for some people who don't speak Japanese reminds me of an old saying: If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear, does it make a sound?

[KyleGoetz]

最初の投稿者：filiadragongurl

omg, I can't believe I forgot about "hakkiri"!! Thank you very much It has been a few years since I've really practiced Japanese... I try to pull it out every once in a while, but as you can see, I'm starting to forget the obvious stuff T-T

EDIT: Is this maybe a little better? I tried to use elements of your sentence in mine.

R: Caster, hakkiri iwasete morau yo. omae mitai na yatsu to keiyaku wo kawashita koto wo kansha suru beki darou. moshi kyouchi ga chigattara omae ga kaikou shita mae ni sugu kakusu zo.

J: カスターはっきり言わせてもらうよ. お前みたいなやつと契約を交わしたことを感謝するべき だろう。もし境地が違ったらお前が開口する前に すぐ隠すぞ。

Just as a construction issue, "as __ as I can" is できるだけ、〜. For example, "I will speak as simply as I can" is　できるだけ簡単に話す。I'm not trying to translate what you said there; I'm just adding in a little lesson since I think this is an opportunity for a teaching moment on the construction "as __ as possible"-type thing.

はっきり言わせてもらうよ is more like "Let me be perfectly clear."

Personally, I feel like the ぞ is awkward. Try saying the sentence fast out loud and you'll see the かくすぞ is hard because the す receives very little stress, but places your tongue in an awkward position for the next mora. But that's just me with my lazy ferner tongue. I'd prefer よ myself, or んだよ.

But I'm rambling, feeling the effects of the swiiiine flu. kidding

[filiadragongurl]

I'm doing it for someone who doesn't speak Japanese to be used in a production that will be viewed by many people, some of who probably do speak Japanese, and most of who at least are used to hearing Japanese through anime. Someone will hear it and appreciate that it is correct (once it *is* correct anyway)

Thank you for teaching that construction. I'm sure I've heard it, but never had it "formally" taught to me.

about the 'zo', it seems like that particular verb isn't something common enough that people would know (if you're thinking it's "to hide something" I had the wrong kanji and have corrected it in my most recent post), so the end of that sentence will probably be changing anyway. If it still ends up sounding awkward, I might change it to 'ze'. I was figuring he said 'zo' in the first two lines though, and wanted to be consistent. If someone is prone to saying 'zo', would they be likely to also say 'ze'? Or is it more of a style like 'ne' vs. 'na'?

[KyleGoetz]

最初の投稿者：filiadragongurl

I'm doing it for someone who doesn't speak Japanese to be used in a production that will be viewed by many people, some of who probably do speak Japanese, and most of who at least are used to hearing Japanese through anime. Someone will hear it and appreciate that it is correct (once it *is* correct anyway)

Thank you for teaching that construction. I'm sure I've heard it, but never had it "formally" taught to me.

about the 'zo', it seems like that particular verb isn't something common enough that people would know (if you're thinking it's "to hide something" I had the wrong kanji and have corrected it in my most recent post), so the end of that sentence will probably be changing anyway. If it still ends up sounding awkward, I might change it to 'ze'. I was figuring he said 'zo' in the first two lines though, and wanted to be consistent. If someone is prone to saying 'zo', would they be likely to also say 'ze'? Or is it more of a style like 'ne' vs. 'na'?

The "s" and "z" sounds so close together separated only by that nearly unspoken "u" is the problem. That's why I suggested よ or んだよ instead. But, again, that's personal preference.

[OzukakiBurasuki]

If you really want Caster to talk to Assassin, and by the looks of a particular scene in the visual novel where he defies her and she basically throws him to the dogs.......all that is needed is this.....

キャスタ: 死になさい。

Caster's my favorite character, so that is all that is needed with a side of lightning bolt. >>

(delete this post if you feel it is spam)

Oh btw it is キャスタ, not カスタ!

[filiadragongurl]

You know, I was debating on whether it was キャスタ or カスタ, but I thought I was being dumb putting in extra sounds with the キャ, haha XD

Thank you for your advice, however, this is Assassin talking to Caster, not the other way around. In the project this is for, Fate/Stay Abridged, Assassin is the only one who will be speaking Japanese.