Help with Application Essay

[klazak]

Hello, I am a student applying for a Japanese Exchange program at my University. Unfortunately my two years of Japanese classes progressed a bit slowly so my Kanji knowledge is quite limited and we actually only completed a little over half of the Minna no Nihongo book. I had to write a brief study plan for an application for an exchange program that is necessary for further study of the language. If anyone could take a look at this and let me know if it makes sense at all I would greatly appreciate it. I feel like it is probably a little strangely worded because I pretty much had to look it up word by word and had to work with fairly limited conversational skills regarding particle use and endings in particular.

駒澤大学に私は日本の言語と文化の私の理解を向上させ るために願っています。日本社会私自身浸すことによっ て、私は大幅に私の日本語の会話のスキルや文化の知識 を向上させることを期待しています。私は大幅に私の漢 字の知識と会話のスキルや日本語の語彙を向上させるた めに願って駒澤大学で勉強しています。これらのスキル を向上させるために, 私は大学でいくつかのコースを取ることを計画していま す。私は外国為替の学生に提供されるコースを見てきま したやいくつかの興味深いテーマを発見した。私の日本 語を向上させるために、私は日本語コースや中級日本語 コースの紹介で登録されます。社会の私の理解を向上さ せるために、私は日本の外務省のコースの一部に入学し たいと考えています。私は日本社会のコースは非常に興 味深いものになると思う。私はまた、日本の思想のコー スに興味を持っています。私はまた、漢字の辞書を勉強 するクラスの外で時間を費やすだろう。

[masaegu]

Originally Posted by klazak

Hello, I am a student applying for a Japanese Exchange program at my University. Unfortunately my two years of Japanese classes progressed a bit slowly so my Kanji knowledge is quite limited and we actually only completed a little over half of the Minna no Nihongo book. I had to write a brief study plan for an application for an exchange program that is necessary for further study of the language. If anyone could take a look at this and let me know if it makes sense at all I would greatly appreciate it. I feel like it is probably a little strangely worded because I pretty much had to look it up word by word and had to work with fairly limited conversational skills regarding particle use and endings in particular.

駒澤大学に私は日本の言語と文化の私の理解を向上させ るために願っています。日本社会私自身浸すことによっ て、私は大幅に私の日本語の会話のスキルや文化の知識 を向上させることを期待しています。私は大幅に私の漢 字の知識と会話のスキルや日本語の語彙を向上させるた めに願って駒澤大学で勉強しています。これらのスキル を向上させるために, 私は大学でいくつかのコースを取ることを計画していま す。私は外国為替の学生に提供されるコースを見てきま したやいくつかの興味深いテーマを発見した。私の日本 語を向上させるために、私は日本語コースや中級日本語 コースの紹介で登録されます。社会の私の理解を向上さ せるために、私は日本の外務省のコースの一部に入学し たいと考えています。私は日本社会のコースは非常に興 味深いものになると思う。私はまた、日本の思想のコー スに興味を持っています。私はまた、漢字の辞書を勉強 するクラスの外で時間を費やすだろう。

Are you allowed to receive assistance with this? For now I am just giving general pointers rather than actual corrections to be safe.

1. Uses 「私」 way too many times. I would cut 60 to 70% of it.

2. Whole essay sounds "translated" from another language. I could almost "see" the original words and phrases that you tried to translate into Japanese. When I can do this, I know am reading unnatural-sounding Japanese.

3. Some particle mistakes but not too many. Biggest and most visible mistake is with 「や」.

4. います-endings are good but する-endings are not. する includes all dictionary forms of verbs. Also, だろう-ending is no good. though many Japanese-learners use it.

5. Thread title says "application essay" but at one point in the essay, you say 「駒澤大学で勉強しています」.

[klazak]

Thank you very much for the help. I would imagine I am allowed assistance in filling this out as my previous teacher has helped me with most of the application because he admitted that the skills required to read and respond to most of the questions are far beyond what we learned in his classes. I was just getting a bit nervous because he asked me to email me my essay so he could correct it but it has been a few days and no reply yet with the application being due by the end of the day. Again thank you very much for the pointers, by giving general pointers you are helping my understanding much more than by simply rewriting it for me. I kind of figured that it would sound translated because it has been more than a semester since my last Japanese instruction and I had to translate most of it word by word and refresh myself about particle use and the like as I wrote. Regarding the misuse of や, would I simply use と instead?

[klazak]

Thank you very much for the help. I would imagine I am allowed assistance in filling this out as my previous teacher has helped me with most of the application because he admitted that the skills required to read and respond to most of the questions are far beyond what we learned in his classes. I was just getting a bit nervous because he asked me to email me my essay so he could correct it but it has been a few days and no reply yet with the application being due by the end of the day. Again thank you very much for the pointers, by giving general pointers you are helping my understanding much more than by simply rewriting it for me. I kind of figured that it would sound translated because it has been more than a semester since my last Japanese instruction and I had to translate most of it word by word and refresh myself about particle use and the like as I wrote. Regarding the misuse of や, would I simply use と instead? Also to clarify the reason for the mention of komazawa university the instructions for the essay were to give a detailed study plan of what I would do if I was accepted to the komazawa university exchange program. The program is unfortunately the only way we can finish our minor at my school.

[godwine]

But wouldn't he assistant defeat the purpose of the essay? I would assume that part of the qualification is to be able to write the essay, which give some form of indication of your language ability, and how successful you will be as an exchange?

Of course, I can also be completely off and they don't care about how well you can write that essay...

[masaegu]

Originally Posted by klazak

Regarding the misuse of や, would I simply use と instead?

No, you would not. That would be a mistake just as big.

Unlike the English word "and", which can be used to connect adjectives, verbs and even sentences as well as nouns, 「と」 and 「や」can only connect nouns and pronouns. In your essay, you connected two sentences by using 「や」.
_______

One more item and I am off to bed. You used the word 「外国為替」 without knowing what it means. It means "foreign currency exchange". It has nothing to do with "exchange programs" by colleges.