JapanForum.com  


Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
(#11 (permalink))
Old
xYinniex's Avatar
xYinniex (Offline)
Quit yo' jibber jabber!
 
Posts: 2,090
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Awesome land
07-05-2008, 12:54 PM

It's a good story, but the material isn't quite up to the standard of 'books.'
You should keep at it though, because someday, you will be REALLY good. But for now, stick to creating fanfictions because they are probably the best practice you can get.


"I'm sorry, but i must have given you the impression that I actually care about your opinions"
Reply With Quote
(#12 (permalink))
Old
Koir's Avatar
Koir (Offline)
Meow.
 
Posts: 971
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Canada
07-05-2008, 01:00 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by VampireGirl1314 View Post
and i didnt even want to turn 13 so why would i want to be 15 that would make me a year older and that would mean being more responsible.>^_^<
Growing older is always more preferable to the alternative. And having more responsibility can be quite rewarding.


Fortunately, there is one woman in this world who can control me.

Unfortunately for you, she is not here.

"Ride for ruin, and the world ended!"
Reply With Quote
(#13 (permalink))
Old
SabakuNoUrei's Avatar
SabakuNoUrei (Offline)
New to JF
 
Posts: 20
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Georgia
07-05-2008, 02:16 PM

Here goes nothing:

The story itself seems very interesting. I like it because its pretty original. Some parts of the beginning were a bit odd to me (A magical werewolf told me not to believe in fantasy so I did, even though I'm a five year old and an active imagination is normal for me. Did I mention that I'm listening to a werewolf's instruction? Since when do I listen to people, I'm five...maybe I didn't know said werewolf was a werewolf but I must be one obedient kid...). Here's another thing, in the selections you have revealed, it's hard for me to tell who is speaking and so, I get confused. There is little to no description like, what does alice look like, what does her violin look like, where does she live, is she rich, poor, middle-class, ect... And, should Alice's abilities be revealed so soon into the story? Of course, all this stuff may have been corrected in the manuscript but I can't see the original manuscript so I'm just telling you what I can and I hope it genuinely helps you out ^_^ It's really good and personally, I'd read it if I came across it in a store. What's the title?


I am Lolli-chan the almighty! Fear me! And read my fanfiction of doom! (lolli-chan.webs.com). DOOM!

It seems to me as though
Where ever I may go
If I post on your thread
Soon it will be dead T_T
Reply With Quote
(#14 (permalink))
Old
VampireGirl1314's Avatar
VampireGirl1314 (Offline)
~I cant leave you~
 
Posts: 1,261
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Japan 日本国, Jk Jk I live in Mexicali Mexico Baja California.
Send a message via MSN to VampireGirl1314 Send a message via Yahoo to VampireGirl1314 Send a message via Skype™ to VampireGirl1314
07-05-2008, 02:27 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SabakuNoUrei View Post
Here goes nothing:

The story itself seems very interesting. I like it because its pretty original. Some parts of the beginning were a bit odd to me (A magical werewolf told me not to believe in fantasy so I did, even though I'm a five year old and an active imagination is normal for me. Did I mention that I'm listening to a werewolf's instruction? Since when do I listen to people, I'm five...maybe I didn't know said werewolf was a werewolf but I must be one obedient kid...). Here's another thing, in the selections you have revealed, it's hard for me to tell who is speaking and so, I get confused. There is little to no description like, what does alice look like, what does her violin look like, where does she live, is she rich, poor, middle-class, ect... And, should Alice's abilities be revealed so soon into the story? Of course, all this stuff may have been corrected in the manuscript but I can't see the original manuscript so I'm just telling you what I can and I hope it genuinely helps you out ^_^ It's really good and personally, I'd read it if I came across it in a store. What's the title?
Alice The Fantasy Dreamer. and sorry about that my stupid spell check goes
through everything and will fix something that doesn't look quit right but its stupid.>^_^<and this is just a sneak peak because as you could see from the begining that it doesn't look like the begining of the story.>^_^<



I could never be happier.
I found my missing piece and i know he wont leave me.
song by simple plan.
+{Member of the Crusnik Clan--Crusnik 04}+
+{Codename: Abel}+
I'm sorry for acting like this...
Reply With Quote
(#15 (permalink))
Old
SabakuNoUrei's Avatar
SabakuNoUrei (Offline)
New to JF
 
Posts: 20
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Georgia
07-05-2008, 02:38 PM

Well that's obviously not the beginning...I just had to work with what was given. And really, I don't know why I asked the title, I must be slow. Also, I never comment on grammar and spelling anymore. People know, they don't need to be told four thousand times... Good luck with your story


I am Lolli-chan the almighty! Fear me! And read my fanfiction of doom! (lolli-chan.webs.com). DOOM!

It seems to me as though
Where ever I may go
If I post on your thread
Soon it will be dead T_T
Reply With Quote
(#16 (permalink))
Old
VampireGirl1314's Avatar
VampireGirl1314 (Offline)
~I cant leave you~
 
Posts: 1,261
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Japan 日本国, Jk Jk I live in Mexicali Mexico Baja California.
Send a message via MSN to VampireGirl1314 Send a message via Yahoo to VampireGirl1314 Send a message via Skype™ to VampireGirl1314
07-05-2008, 02:41 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SabakuNoUrei View Post
Well that's obviously not the beginning...I just had to work with what was given. And really, I don't know why I asked the title, I must be slow. Also, I never comment on grammar and spelling anymore. People know, they don't need to be told four thousand times... Good luck with your story
thanks and i don't need the spell check its just stupid and changes words and everything so i turned it off.>^_^<



I could never be happier.
I found my missing piece and i know he wont leave me.
song by simple plan.
+{Member of the Crusnik Clan--Crusnik 04}+
+{Codename: Abel}+
I'm sorry for acting like this...
Reply With Quote
(#17 (permalink))
Old
MMM's Avatar
MMM (Offline)
JF Ossan
 
Posts: 12,200
Join Date: Jun 2007
07-05-2008, 03:10 PM

If you want people to read it, you must use proper grammar, capitalization and spelling. I got a few sentences in, but writing a story the same way you write a JF post made my eyes hurt.

Engaging the reader means the ease of reading is the writer's responsibilty. Fix that and I will be more inclined to give it a spin.
Reply With Quote
(#18 (permalink))
Old
mangapunkrocker's Avatar
mangapunkrocker (Offline)
Princess of ALL
 
Posts: 308
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Shh...it's a secret....
07-05-2008, 03:20 PM

So, very true. I'm a writer also, I've already written so many books, and now I'm just checking them and waiting to get published, the preview was really good, but as the guy in the first post said, it takes time to write books, three chapters can take you up to three months just thinking about them and writting them down then you have to define them. And Vampiregirl if the girl in your books plays violin you should try to at least try to play it once so you know what it feels like and you can define what Alice really feels when she plays the violin.
Reply With Quote
(#19 (permalink))
Old
VampireGirl1314's Avatar
VampireGirl1314 (Offline)
~I cant leave you~
 
Posts: 1,261
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Japan 日本国, Jk Jk I live in Mexicali Mexico Baja California.
Send a message via MSN to VampireGirl1314 Send a message via Yahoo to VampireGirl1314 Send a message via Skype™ to VampireGirl1314
07-05-2008, 03:40 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by mangapunkrocker View Post
So, very true. I'm a writer also, I've already written so many books, and now I'm just checking them and waiting to get published, the preview was really good, but as the guy in the first post said, it takes time to write books, three chapters can take you up to three months just thinking about them and writting them down then you have to define them. And Vampiregirl if the girl in your books plays violin you should try to at least try to play it once so you know what it feels like and you can define what Alice really feels when she plays the violin.
I would try to but i dont know if i will be any good at it because well i have a guitar and i took lessons and i couldn't even learn a song but it was fun and i can ask my friend Lelani if she can teach me how to play the violin because i have heard her play and she is wonderful that is why i thought of Alice playing the violin because it is beautiful and amazing.^_^and i am only 14 and this is my first time writing a real book and its just so people can read it for fun and all my friends like it so i will be letting them read it.>^^<



I could never be happier.
I found my missing piece and i know he wont leave me.
song by simple plan.
+{Member of the Crusnik Clan--Crusnik 04}+
+{Codename: Abel}+
I'm sorry for acting like this...
Reply With Quote
(#20 (permalink))
Old
mangapunkrocker's Avatar
mangapunkrocker (Offline)
Princess of ALL
 
Posts: 308
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Shh...it's a secret....
07-05-2008, 04:39 PM

That's great, at least you can say you've tried. Seriously try your best. I'm only saying so that if you ever decide to be a writer you have something to go on. Good luck in writting even if it's just for fun, most of the writers of our time, are the best because they just did it for fun. And good luck with your guitar. As for the violin, even if you just pick it up and look at it and try and play a few notes it's all it takes, but if ever want to write for publishing you should go to a concert or watch it on television. (Sorry I love classical music)
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On




Copyright 2003-2006 Virtual Japan.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.0.0 RC6