short story: Stars

[musashi]

Ok, I'm a writer and I want to see what you guys think of this story that I wrote. It's being entered into a festival, but I really like hearing what people think.....so if you want to cry some, hear you go....It's called Stars
Haruki is the guy and his name means "Shining Brightly"
Hoshiko is the girl and her name means "Star"

Stars

Have you ever watched the waves? So calm, graceful, rough and arrogant, all at the same time. Sometimes I would sit on the beach all day just to watch them. Sometimes, he would sit with me. We would watch the sunset together and then we would just lay there next to each other and try to count the stars. We always lost count. He would say, all the time, he was going to give them to me, so I could try to count them all the time. I had just smiled. Nobody can give you the stars; at least no normal person. But Haruki wasn’t normal, was he?
It was a day like any other and Haruki and I were walking through the halls of our high school. He kept looking at me, making me blush. I didn’t mind it when he looked at me, not at all. Everyone expected us to be a couple, and they always acted so surprise to find out we were just friends. They would always say, “Hoshiko, why aren’t you and Haruki dating yet? You really should.” But that’s all we are, best friends. I mean we love each other, but just as friends, right?
I couldn’t have been more wrong. That night, after we watched the sunset, and all the colors had disappeared behind a blanket of sparkling black, we laid there, trying to count the stars. “Hoshiko...” he said.
“Yeah, Haruki?”
“What if I said I liked you more than a friend? What would you say?” I looked at him still starring at the twinkling stars above. After a long pause, I answered.
“What do you mean ‘more than a friend’?”
“I mean like...maybe I can’t be just friends with you...I have stronger feelings...”
“Like...love?” He looked at me and smiled; his pearly teeth more beautiful than the stars above.
“Like love...” he confirmed. I couldn’t help but blush.
“Well, then I would say I think I love you, too. Maybe even more than you love me...” I said smiling uncontrollably.
“I love you, more than a friend...more than a best friend. I thought it was just a crush at first, but I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re always on my mind. And every time I hear your voice, it’s like angels are singing in my ear. And when I’m not around you, I hurt, and all I can think about is the next time I see you again...”
“Don’t you think that’s laying it on to thick, Haruki? I mean...surely I don’t enchant you that much?”
“But you do! I need to be with you...” I smiled. “Will you promise to be mine? To be no one else’s, just mine? I promise to give you everything you’ve ever wanted...”
“Haruki...” I snuggled closer to him and melted in his warm embrace. He held me anxiously, awaiting an answer. “I promise, Haruki...I promise.” And that was it. I looked up into his ghostly blue eyes and he kissed me. It was then I realized how much I needed him, how much I loved him. Finally, we broke apart.
“I’ll start by giving you the stars...”
Time went by fast, not even slowing down to say hi. Haruki and I were still the happiest people on earth. We never did stop our little sunset watches and star counting. It continued even after high school and into our lives. It wasn’t long after our third year together that he asked for my hand. And it was, of course, under the twinkling stars with the sound of the waves crashing in the background. With no hesitation, I had said yes, tears in my eyes.
If I had known what was to happen less than 8 months later, I would’ve never cried that night. Instead, I would’ve saved my tears for his death. One month after our marriage, he grew horribly sick and was hospitalized for a week. What caused his death; doctors are still trying to figure out. It was a horrible night. I waited in the room with him, holding his hand tighter than ever. I was very upset. All he could do was smile as tears streamed down my face. “Hoshiko, why are you crying?”
“You’re dying, Haruki, how could I not cry?”
“Because our love was worth it. Do you believe that we had it all when we were together? I do. And though I’m leaving you, you aren’t losing my love.”
“And mine is forever with you...”
“I’m glad I love you. I’m glad I was able to give you everything I could...even the stars...” he handed me a key.
“What’s this, Haruki?” I asked, tears still streaming down my face.
“That’s the key to my heart. I’m giving it to you. You deserve it.” I held the key to my heart and smiled at him. An hour later, he died peacefully, me at his side.
Days later, while at home, I discovered a door in the basement. And no matter how hard I pulled, the door didn’t open; it was locked. I went to bed pondering what could be behind that door and why I never noticed it before. After a restless hour, it came to me. Haruki’s key; maybe the key opened it. I hurried down stairs and stuck the key in the door and, surely enough, it opened.
The room was pitch black, even with the door open. I felt around for a light switch and flicked it up. All the walls were black, including the ceiling, the hard floor, and the back of the door. All over the room were hundreds of painted on stars and glued on sequins. One light hung down from the ceiling about six inches and it shone through a cover with a bunch of really small dots, making the room looked filled with millions and millions of stars. In the very center of the room, there was a small sand box with pillow in it, a note lay on top. I went over and picked it up. It read:

My dear Hoshiko,
Darling, if you are reading this, it means that I had to go away for awhile...but don’t worry, we will see each other again. It came to me not too long ago that we will not always be able to get to the beach to count the stars together, so I figured I’d make our own stars to count. I told you I would give them to you, just like I told you that I would love you forever. You are the most important thing in my life and you deserve everything and more. Though I couldn’t give you all the stars in the sky, this should be enough to hold you over until I can. Just do me one favor: when you count them, remember all the nights on the beach and the love we have for each other and never forget me as I will never forget you. I love you.
Love,
Haruki




Please tell me what you think.....Thanks much!

Love Much ,
musashi

[QueenNanami]

Oh my gosh musashi that story made me wanna cry! i loved it ::sob sob:: Thats the best thing ive read in ages. you get a A++ in my book ;P

[Kuroneko]

I really enjoyed reading it. The first part reminded me of a point in my life. I think that it was really good. One question, this takes place in Japan and in Japanese ( managa/anime based theme) right? If so the part with “I like you, more than a friend" might no make sense in Japanese (I not say it isn't good). Japanese are very picky on there words "like" in Japaneses can also means "love" so they're always nervous to ask some on if they like them. (even as friends) I'm just saying this from a Translators point of view (I'm meticulous as to how I translate ) I wouldn't change anything in English, it was said perfectly (I think)

Over all I really did enjoy reading it, I cried when Haruki died and cried a little bit more when she read the letter from him (So romantic )

[musashi]

Thats really interesting.....I didn't know that....I've been wanting to learn Japanese for the longest time......I will eventually get started, and i will remember that.....but I'm so glad you guys like it......and keep telling me what you think.......

Love Much!

[CoolNard]

ok, i admit that when i saw the title of this thread, i thought smth like: "Man, wad could be so gd abt a lame story of stars..?" So ofcourse, i didnt enter this thread immediately. But jus a few mins ago, i got darn bored. I kept tryna find interesting threads to read and respond to but none of them were quite up to my expectations. Furthermore, all those that i'd replied to had no response =.=. Sooo, i fig i'd jus come and check this one out :P.

And my, i hv one word for u - WOW.
It's been such an awful long time since i read a beautiful story like this. It reminded me of the romantic aspects of my life. A touching story of love and hope. I cant say though that i didnt manage to predict wad was in the room before i read tt part lol. Maybe thats one reason i didnt cry when i almost did, or mayb my tear glands r jus nt sensitive enough >_<" I also didnt really understand how she could nt have found the rm in the beginning and then after Haruki died, coincidentially and miraculously discovered it(power of love?).

Overall, apart frm the slight lack of details, simply exquisite(now to get back to being bored again).

[timushi]

OMG!! jess i loved this story when i read it in person and now its like a step into the future...its like jessie 2.0 or something...it was so cute and so sad all at once keep writing or i'll rip ur arm off and feed it to ur dog

but i love you anyway!!!

timushi

[Vesperd]

very nice story, you deserve an award.. one of the best short stories, if not best short story i ever read, good good keep it up

[musashi]

I'm so glad you guys like it......I'm kind of afraid to post another story, in case it doesnt match up to what I wrote here.......lol......but I do plan on putting some of my poems on.....so, yeah........have fun with that, and i look forward to more reveiws......lol

Love much
Musashi

[wolfchik]

Oh.....my.....god.....that was soooo good I can't believe it. I wish I could write like that.

[CoolNard]

Originally Posted by wolfchik

Oh.....my.....god.....that was soooo good I can't believe it. I wish I could write like that.

Actually, almost anyone with a reasonably good command of english and who has experienced true love before can easily write stories like that ^^ its jus a matter of whether you wana take time, sit down and write out a proper story, and how much effort u really put into it.

P.S. Musashi, only by exposing ur work to others and letting them comment on it will you be able to truly improve. So don't be afraid! :P *looking forward to another story*