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View Poll Results: HOw was it?
it was...in an odd way, good! 1 9.09%
it sucked....you should die!!! 3 27.27%
.....okay..... 5 45.45%
hey hurry and write chapter two!!! 2 18.18%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 11. You may not vote on this poll

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AzulieAngel (Offline)
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Love it - 10-20-2008, 06:07 AM

I want to know what happens next in the story!I can't stand not knowing!!!


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emiluvsjmusic (Offline)
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10-20-2008, 08:13 AM

It was good.. but you need to work on your grammar!



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Salvanas (Offline)
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10-20-2008, 09:13 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by LaVon View Post
it was only a rough draft. what i meant was my rough drafts never have a structure. And just to let you on a word of advise, smart person, it does. I know.
Oh, and sorry about rushing. I cant help but rush typing down a story when I have a story on my head. Here, to prove myself I 'll give you some of the revised peice.
It was much better, but you still need to work on it alot.

Also, I didn't get what you mean (The part I bolded). Was that aimed at me? Or Thirdsight?

Is that an argument against me saying that unique isn't always better?


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10-20-2008, 05:00 PM

Erm ,the 2nd draft was and is better than the first. I'm sorry but I only got through the first few lines before it got to me that your style doesn't help someone read it. You've still got too much text blocked together, which means all I saw was lots of words without a break in sight. But that may just be me.



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LaVon (Offline)
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10-20-2008, 09:35 PM

that part you bolded was not aimed at you . yeah...This isnt the final draft, I have actually counting twelve versions of it, each getting better.


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LaVon (Offline)
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10-27-2008, 09:56 PM

okay so thank you guys for all the critisism so here is the real final draft!

Chapter 1



Vampire Hunter Lineage


Like an endless sun, her memories flew vividly across her mind. The distraught girl could not find any decent memories of her parents. They were never home, always off on some distant continent, for business, dark business. Since Jacky was old enough to speak, she was against her parent’s job. They always wanted her to follow in their footsteps, never asking once what she thought about it. Jacky hated it. She hated the fact that she had vampire hunters for parents.
Now, they were dead. Jacky knew they died on a business trip, doing what they loved. Not thinking about what they would leave behind. She didn’t think they were missing much. Just a mansion, some money, and their only daughter, Jacky Lunar.
The funeral was dull, and it never mentioned once what they died of. Friends of her parents, gave her mourning gifts, Jacky wouldn’t touch them. Most of the people who came were also vampire hunters. She already knew what was in the neatly wrapped boxes. Hunting gear, not for game, but for vampires. Jacky hated killing anything, she couldn’t kill anything let alone a fly, and she wouldn’t want to hurt her old friends memory.
Jacky grew up basically all alone, with no one to watch after her as her parents left on business trips. The only one she ever looked up to what so ever was her neighbor, who was a vampire. She learned everything her parents didn’t know. Like vampires are born from human parents, and humans are born from vampire parents. The vampire parents can convert their human children into vampires, but the human parents can’t do anything. Then, she learned vampires are like any human in the light, but in the dark, they turn into a darker version of their light selves.
One thing she knew for sure was that she would never follow in her parent’s foot- steps unless she had to. There are some vampires who use their power for selfish reasons, power, money, and fame. Jacky knew vampires couldn’t all be like Randy.
She continued to wash herself under the shower. Her jog was refreshing, and it relaxed her. The one thing she liked about the P.E class was that she got to jog whenever she wanted, because her teacher favored her. Since her teacher favored her, she got all the privacy she needed, no one to bug her while she thought everything out. She took the soft wool towel and wrapped it around her body. Maybe things change for the better she thought, but things can’t change all at once.
She walked to her locker, took out her clothes out and put them on. Class would end in twenty minutes; Jacky realized she was done early. Instead of sit with nothing to do, she decided to walk the halls, hoping to run into Thomas. It was quiet, and the halls felt empty as well as look it. Something about the school was different today; Jacky couldn’t quite put her finger on it. To her, she felt the change in the very walls of her heart. Not the wrong feeling, but the weird feeling. She ran her hand along the carpeted wall to her right. Pictures were hung up about drugs, and peer pressure. She needed to go to the library.
The library was jam packed with books, without the high ceiling, Jacky would fear of suffocation. She walked to the front desk; Dr. Felecy was there in her lab jacket, she was suppose to be a scientist but got stuck with the job of a librarian. Jacky thought it suited her, for every time anybody saw her, there was always a book in her hand, her hair ruffled, and black, square framed glasses.
“Dr. Felecy?”
Dr. Felecy looked up “Jacky, I told you a hundred times, call me Andrea!”
“It just feels weird…” Jacky paused, “Dr-, Andrea, does something feel weird to you?”
Andrea thought for a moment “ A little,” She stood up, walked over to the section of mythology and pulled out a big old looking book. “ It may sound weird, but it feels like another presence.” She opened it and turned to a page. Jacky saw that on the page there was a vampire looking creature, looking all shadowy.
“What do you think it is…Andrea?”
Andrea pulled out another book from her desk and opened it also. “Read this, aloud.”
Jacky looked over the old inscription and fought to understand the old English, before she read she stated flatly “This does sound weird, if you ask me it sounds like you believe in this.”
“Just read”
“Fine,” Jacky muttered, “The eve of the last day of October, every eleven years…” All the curvy words were hard to read, “ There will be the presence of a new acnew,” Jacky stopped reading from the book. “ What is this, acnew?” She put the book down.
“An acnew, is supposed to be an…” Andrea looked for the right word to describe it. “ A sign of rebellion.”
“And what is this acnew supposed to do?”
“ Well, an acnew is not exactly like a vampire, but close.” She showed Jacky what was in the big old book “They are stronger, and they are not born like that. Its like the gods choose them especially, just because their hearts are good. The vampires look for the new acnew and try to convert them to a side, or a clan or a convent” Jacky looked at the book with more curiosity, this was far older than the other little book that was in Andrea’s desk “and the acnew can change who will or who would be the head leading clan or what ever.”
“So you believe that that feeling is an acnew?”
“As much as a person can believe that there is a creator” Andrea shut the book and returned it to its crowded spot. “ Jacky, how old are you?”
“Why?” Jacky sat down in the doctor’s seat, “I’ve been sixteen for eleven hours”. Today was Jacky’s birthday, and her parents would have still been on a trip, if it weren’t for that job they would still be alive.
“Well, because the acnew is not revealed until exactly eleven hours after an even age” Andrea stood with a long stance, hands on her hips “ and I believe that weird feeling is you.”
This surprised Jacky. This was nothing she had expected. “WHAT?” She stood up, disturbing the doctor’s coffee. “Are you saying that I am this…this acnew?”
Doctor Felecy cleaned up the mess quickly with one swipe of a rag that was in her pocket. “Why not? Why couldn’t you be? Well, I wouldn’t want to be hunted either.”
“Hunted?”
“Yeah, as soon as your presence is felt, they will know where to look for you.”
Andrea started to rush as she put random things in her pockets “you must come with me.”
“Why?”
“They will come, and if you do not come with me, they will take you.”
What Andrea said made complete sense to her. So she followed the scientist slash librarian, into her dark little office. “Why in here?”
Andrea pushed back the third light switch and ground disappeared beneath them; then down they went. Great, down the rabbit’s hole I go Jacky thought. The blackness rushed by her with a wiz, causing her hair to fly in her eyes, and her mouth, and even tickling her nose. Then they landed with a thud. Everything was still dark, and Jacky could feel a high heel under her. Andrea muttered somewhere in the room, “I need to fix these lights one of these days.” And then the lights came on blindingly. A secret laboratory was a perfect description for what Jacky saw. Well, secret laboratory, slash comfy homey room.
“So you are a scientist after all.”
“Of course I am, don’t speak such nonsense” Andrea walked along the long side of the big room.
“How did you find this?”
“Oh well, the last librarian had built it, and I was the only one he told, so I went to college and came back here to do secret experiments”
“You don’t put stuff in our food do you?” the thought made Jacky want to croak.
“Why would I?” She sat in the big beanie bag behind her “ that goes against all my morals.” Jacky sighed with relief, and took in her surroundings. It was a pretty big room. A laboratory side with all the equipment for it, and the other side, had three big beanie bags with two TVs in the center. “What’s with the two TVs?”
“Oh,” She stood up to show off them, “they are a working progress.”
“So what do they do?” Jacky sat down and watched Andrea push some buttons.
“It is an image transmitter.” She took two walkie-talkies from the side pocket of her jacket. “ Watch this.” She pushed down on the transmitter button and looked at the walkie-talkie. “Look the TV.” Her voice echoed through the TV as well as her image.
“That is so awesome!” Jacky jumped up and took the other one, “this is great spy gear!” She started to fiddle with it. Making her image come up along with Andrea’s.
“Well I did make it for that intention.” Andrea said jokingly.
Jacky sat down, feeling a little calmer, ready to talk business. “So why do you think I would be the new acnew?” The walkie-talkie was still in her hand. It looked more like an mp3.
“Well, I am a vampire.”


Every shooting star eventually finds its wish
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