A little bit of my writing - 04-09-2007, 11:52 AM
Well after months of not writing I decided I'd come back with a vengeance and have started work on a NaruSaku fanfic. I've only got the prolouge atm and I'm working through the first chapter now, I'd really like if I could get some criticism on this as I am forever trying to improve. So without further ado:
Prologue chapter : A Silent Goodbye
The sky was clear the setting sun lighting the scene, Sakura stood at the entrance of Konoha village, her shoulders shock slightly and her voice was cracked when she pronounced the last syllable,
“Sakura-chan… I… why did you come?”
He had his back to Sakura and his voice had an air of indifference, his shoulders were tense and stiff as were his legs also there seemed to be something forced in the way he spoke,
“Naruto you - you – baka!”
Her face was creased with pain and her eyelids tightened to try and hold back tears, her eyes glistened with moisture that slowly made it’s way down her face reaching her chin. It hovered there for a moment before falling to the ground an emotion crystallised,
“Sakura-chan… how did you… hah… Gomen na sai.”
Naruto had turned around when he heard Sakura sniff and as he expected she was crying, one of the few things in this world Naruto couldn’t handle. Naruto stuttered when he spoke and he turned round and faced her fully, his face was forlorn and his eyes had lost their azure glow. He lifted his hand as if to comfort her but allowed it to fall to his side,
“Naruto you didn’t plan - hic - on telling me, did you expect me not to find out?”
Naruto’s head dropped and a frown appeared on his face, he took a step closer to her and felt her short, choked breathing upon his chest, a wave of regret flowed through his body and a flood of memories filled his mind, he looked down at Sakura’s face her sorrowful eyes and shattered disposition and wondered whether what he was doing was right,
“Sakura-chan, if I had another chance then perhaps things wouldn’t have turned out this way but, as things are this can’t work.”
Sakura seemed overwhelmed by the speed at which events had gone and was struggling to sort her feelings out but there was one feeling which was clear and that was that she didn’t want Naruto to leave, she stumbled forward into Naruto and wept into his shirt, gripping it with both hands. She looked up at him his face had a sombre smile that calmed her despite knowing what it truly meant,
“So that’s it you give up! There’s no way of fixing this! What happened to your way of the ninja! What happened to never going back on your word! What about that Naruto!?”
Naruto did not keel back from her attack, he knew too well he deserved it but no amount of training could have prepared him for this moment, a pain in his chest had been building from when he heard her begin to speak and he could not help but let the emotions he had been holding back show on his face, his eyebrows lowered and his eyes became hollow, she was telling the truth and he had once again broken a promise to her. Perhaps this feeling was still there from the first time he broke a promise - the promise of a lifetime he made for her and it was now surfacing in the light of him doing it once again,
“I told you to call me Sakura!”
“Sakura-chan, all hope in Konoha lies in me if I don’t do this then it’s the end for everyone, even you and me. No matter how much my heart, my soul or even you tell me to come back my mind knows I can’t.”
Sakura sobbed into his chest again before she felt his hand on her chin, his touch ran though her body like a current of electricity freezing all her movements even her tears and demanding the attention of all her senses, she could feel the softness of his fingers on her chin and could smell his unique sent which was now so melancholic, his breathing was light on her forehead and she could hear that it was clear with no hesitation.
When he lifted her chin she saw he had a smile on his face that this time was genuine,
Naruto could feel all the emotions he had tried to seal away as he left slowly breaking loose and with them his old worries and insecurities came but then he felt he could end everything, the relationship, the problems and this encounter if he could kiss her just this once,
“Just this once forgive me…”
Naruto leant forwards whilst slowly lifting Sakura’s chin, Sakura closed her eyes and felt his lips slowly press upon hers, Sakura felt the feelings of joy and relief melt through her heart and throughout her body, He’s staying, he’s not gonna leave me alone. Naruto lifted his lips and moved them towards her ear,
“Sakura always remember that I love you and will forever.”
“What do you mea -”
There was a sudden rush of wind which forced Sakura to keep her eyes closed and she felt the weight of Naruto disappear from in front of her, when the wind subsided she feared opening her eyes the image of Naruto in front of her still there, she forced her eyes open and saw that there was no-one there.
She fell to her knees and stared into the distance the sun at it’s final phase slowly set before her, leaving her in darkness she knelt there sobbing for an unknown time before a fellow medical ninja came past and discovered her there, Sakura allowed the woman to carry her away but she didn’t here a word she spoke, all that was in her mind was the realisation that Naruto left and she was once again, alone.
And that's all I got constructive, crticism welcome.
04-09-2007, 03:00 PM
Wow, that is seriously neat. Almost makes me wanna retract my vote on the Naruto's lover thread... almost* But yeah it was very touching ^_^
There's no such thing as happy endings, for when you find true love, happiness is everlasting.
04-09-2007, 04:23 PM
That sucks big time! :rofl: Just kidding. I had to say that when you put in constructive criticism welcome
Truth is, that was a fantastic opening! I did have one suggestion (although you've probably already thought of it)
It would be good to have one comical scene in the midst of this pathos (like Naruto saying something and sakura bopping him on the head) and then getting right back into pathos... I'm not very familiar with Naruto development in stories (I've only finished watching about 80 ep until hokkage 3 dies) but I've not seen Naruto in a drawn out serious scene unless its fighting...
Like I said you've probably thought of it already though ... Great going Koku-kun! We'll be expecting more of this thread to be updated soon enough
Omae mo kanjite no ka... kaze no koe?
04-09-2007, 10:47 PM
And now the lecture/essay about Naruto's deveopment, this is a time fic as I forgot to mention in my first post so this is actually Naruto at the peak of his development so he is the cool, calm, Rokudaime hokage you see at the end of so many NaruSaku fics. I thought that I wouldn't describe anything about him her or the situation in the prologue so I could focus mainly on the relationship. In the first chapter it should deepen in all aspects (Action, Character Design, Relationships, Description and Plot) and make what's happening in the future just a bit clearer, I want to reveal the plot slowly, I usually jump right in so it'll be hard to stop the entire plot being clear in one chapter.
Also you're new (very new) to Naruto if you're up to epiode 80, I'm on Shippuden 7 which is 227 and manga chapter 348 (Which is awesome btw) and there is a lot of development in Naruto and the others the storyline is also a lot clearer (A bit too clear if you ask me, makes me think Kishi is gonna throw in a big as twist soon) anyways the characters have developed a lot more so it could be hard to understand also there will most likely be spoilers in the next chapter big ass freaking spoilers literally shaping the second part of the manga/anime so be prepared.
Lastly expet it to take a while I want this to be a semi~proffesional work so planning is key (lmao fanfiction semi~proffesional) it'll take a while to get them done and they'll be longer (much longer 4000 - 6000 words is what i'm aiming for so it's not too long or short) so posting it up here will be troublesome, I'll probably provisde links to it on Fanfiction.net speaking of which here's the prologue chapter on FF.net, alert or favourite it if you wish:
Current stats on FF.net: 331 views, 4 favourites, 12 alerts w00t!
Chapter 1 part 1 - 04-16-2007, 09:16 PM
This is how much I've got so far, I wrote eight pages before changing my mind to a different idea that worked a lot better but I had to shift around my Power Rangers (Five ANBU child stars) just a bit (age wise).
I hope that I this is a good follow up to my prologue x_X but yeah here it is, I'll decide on a name when I finish 'cos that's one of my favourite bits.
04-16-2007, 09:33 PM
The sky over Konoha was a deep blue, the sapphire sky was scarred by the waxing crescent moon which emanated a teal glow on the streets of Konoha.
Not far from the centre of the village the Hokage’s tower lay, the sandaime Hokage was observing his window with a grave expression. He didn’t seem to be focusing on the outside more mulling over the thoughts in his head. He lifted his hand which held a report, the title read ‘Unexplained phenomenon’ and the report itself was rather lengthy.
He walked back to his desk and placed the report down, taking a deep puff from his pipe as he did. There was then a knock from the door, he sighed before speaking,
Five ANBU walked into the room, they all had identical ANBU clothing but their masks were different. They were the same design that resembled the burning of viscous flames but they were in different colours, the furthest left had a pale blue colour, just left of the centre a light orange, the centre jet black. Just right of him had a dark blue colour and the last to the right a light green. As they entered the centre ninja stepped in front of the others,
“Hokage-sama we have the report.”
“Did you manage to retrieve them?”
“What was their condition when you arrived?”
“They were in a unique condition.”
He lifted his hand gesturing towards the ninja on the far left with the pale blue mask,
“Liu gave Deruta a thorough inspection, he appeared unconscious at first but he did not respond despite healing his wounds. About 12 minutes after we found him he went into a fit and died from a cardiac arrest. He should be reported as senbotsu.”
“And what are your views on the event?”
The leader of the squad lifted his palm at his side and momentarily glanced at it through his mask, his hazel eyes had a morose shine,
“I think that whoever was involved with the attack was observing us either when we arrived or soon after and arranged for the cardiac arrest.”
“Both of those are possible, but then what does the state Deruta was in have to do with this?”
“That is still an unknown but it must have something to do with how he died.”
He looked at each of them looking from left to right at each person as he named them,
“Liu, Suyin, Lei, Huojin and GuangLi you are all officially off duty for now. I will discuss this business further later but for now I need to work out what to do. You are dismissed and do not forget that in three days -”
“Daijoubu, we know what the next few days are.” Lei cut across,
“Well then oyasumi.”
“Hai, Oyasuminasai Hokage-sama.”
The five ninja then bowed before disappearing in silence leaving a small haze of smoke in their midst. The Hokage sat in his seat looking at the report he had been browsing earlier and wondered what all these happenings meant.
04-16-2007, 09:35 PM
The moon was still clear over Konoha when a certain blonde haired ninja suddenly shot up from his bed frozen stiff, he sat there for a moment breathing heavily before his eyes became blurry as a tide of tears erupted from his eyes. He stared at the wall of his apartment which was decorated with a very ecchicalendar and various hangings with inspirational sayings such as, ‘Do your best’ and ‘Guts’. He sat there for a few more seconds before lifting a shaky arm to his eyes and wiping them, stemming the flow.
He stood from his bed his twelve year old body not as limber as his older one but still familiar, he pulled his sleeping cap off of his head and went to the window. He leapt onto the roof of the floor below and negotiated the side wall to reach the roof. He scanned the village to try and identify just how far back he was, he couldn’t see the change in buildings from after the joint Suna and Oto attack so he assumed it was before the second chuunin exam so he wondered if he had even graduated yet. Graduation, That’s right my hitai-ate.
He leapt off the roof and swung of a pole to enter through his open window, happy to be able to use his monkey like manoeuvres again he went to his bedside table to find a pair of murky green goggles,
“So how far back am I?”
He looked around the room for a sign of the date and noticed his calendar on the wall once again, dashing over he saw that it was the month of his graduation exam, It hasn’t got Kakashi’s training date on here so I haven’t graduated yet! He did a little victory dance at having manipulated the technique so well, I’ll have to thank the sandaime for his excellent research… actually could I save him from dying this time? But if I’m there then… then Sasuke and Sakura… they could die.
He went to his bed and sat down closing his eyes and opening his hands on his knees in his timeline Naruto had developed a way of focusing his chakra control, he would form a Fuuton Rasenganwith the assistance of a Kage Bunshin . He would then maintain it for 30 seconds before releasing it in a controlled way, he would repeat the same exercise on his other hand to improve his control. He produced a Kage Bunshin and put out his left hand focusing chakra, he was surprised to find his chakra capacity was a great degree smaller than before hardly able to produce any chakra to spin he gave up on it for now, The mind remembers but the body doesn’t… how typical.
He decided to not overwork his mind today with complex theories on changing the future and to instead his way through tomorrow starting with the academy. He put his sleeping cap back on and lifted his quit, I should probably clean up as well, can’t become Hokage with a messy room. He went into his bed and collapsed into his sheets dreaming of murky shadows and innocent hearts.
04-16-2007, 09:40 PM
The five ANBU had arrived at the far end of the Konoha High Street and stopped there looking around at the empty area,
“This place should be fine…”
All five of them removed their masks as they did their masks seemed to burn their respective colours before scattering like ash to the winds, Huojin’s pale grey eyes watched the colourful ash dance in the dark night,
“I get a nostalgic feeling everytime I take off my mask…”
Liu stepped forward placing her hand underneath one of the falling pieces of ash,
“I know what you mean, kinda like we’ve worn them before…”
Lei closed his eyes and sighed before releasing one of the clips on his forearm guard,
“I’m heading home…”
Suyin walked in front of him in poked him in his forehead,
“Where are you going? We just got off duty and it’s still early, lets do something together!”
“Still early! It’s probably past twelve and we’re only 12! Hardly the time to be out, besides we have to complete that report.”
“Baka! Work! Work! Work! That’s all you think about! You just said we’re only 12 so we shouldn’t be working! We should be with our friends having fun! Right Liu!”
Huojin let out a chuckle at the girls spirit, walking towards Lei he placed his arm around his shoulder,
“Lei-kun you know she’s right chillax with us for a bit, it’ll be fun promise.”
GuangLi stood in between the two girls placing his hands over their shoulders,
“Well if you don’t wanna go Lei that’s OK.”
He turned walking with the two girls towards the eastern exit of the High Street,
“Hey wait a sec! Let me think about this!”
Huojin jumped onto the end of the chain besides Liu,
“Well then we’ll be off! Even numbers have more fun anyways!”
“Hey I didn’t say I wasn’t going!”
The four of them laughed as they walked off into the distance, Lei watched them for a moment before deciding and chasing after them.
The following morning was a bright azure, there were thin wisps of cloud in the sky but it was generally clear, the morning sun shone low in the sky.
In the apartment of a certain academy ninja a young boy was awakening, he opened his eyes that had gummed together in his sleep and scanned the room. Getting out of his bed he pulled off his sleeping hat to reveal a set of golden Blonde locks, he shook his head loosening his bed hair and stalked into the bathroom.
Moments later he was fully awake in his underwear observing his closet, Damn I really need to get more clothes… Orange jumpsuits what was I thinking. After a good few minutes he managed to compile a new outfit, it consisted of a pair of black bottoms which where bandaged at the bottom to connect to his black ninja sandals. He had a black shirt over his string vest which had a spiral in the centre and his usual orange top which was worn open.
He put his ninja pack on the back of his leg, adjusted his goggles on his forehead and made his way towards the door. He locked it, walked down the stairs and made his way towards the academy.
Halfway though his journey he saw a group of people crowded outside a shop, he decided as he was early he would take a look. The shop turned out to be a ninja outfitters, as he got closer he noticed the window was smashed. There were a group of adults consulting but he couldn’t make out what they were saying, he decided instead to ask the shop owner,
“Uuh, Ojii-san what happened to your shop?”
The shop owner gave me a menacing look before answering,
“It’s nothing a gakilike you should be worrying about.”
I lowered my eyebrows into a frown rivalling his look before turning to another kid that was standing nearby,
“Excuse me, do you know what happened here?”
The kid looked at me for a moment before smiling,
“My Okaa-san said that someone took something in the night without paying for it.”
Naruto decided if he had heard his parents talking then his account must be genuine,
“Did they! Do you know what they took?”
“I think it was a sword!”
“A sword sugoi! Arigatou kid you helped me a lot.”
04-16-2007, 09:53 PM
He gave the kid a foxy grin before ducking out of the crowd and back onto the road that led to the Academy, it wasn’t long before he noticed someone from his class on the road. It just so happened to be his fellow team mate Haruno Sakura, he decided to approach her.
He ruffled his hair as he quickened his pace to walk at an equal pace with her,
His voice had a ring of nervousness, perhaps it was his guilt at leaving the Sakura in his timeline behind or it could have been because when he was younger the majority of their meetings ended with him in pain but he found himself unable to stop the shaking in his voice.
Sakura’s sleepy brow lowered into a frown as she noticed that Naruto was speaking to her, she looked forward as she answered,
“Umm, how come you’re w – walking this way to school.”
Once again Naruto was unable to master his nervousness,
“I live on this road baka!”
Naruto tried to keep the conversation flowing but her indifferent answer lowered his confidence. He was saved (or so he thought) when Ino appeared from one of the side roads, she stopped when she saw the two and a cruel smirk crept up her face. She replaced it with a sweet smile as she joined the two,
“Ohayou Sakura, Naruto-kun.”
Naruto’s suspicion was aroused, Ino has never called me Naruto-kun… I think. He decided to observe what sinister idea was behind her smile,
“So Sakura, you and Naruto walk to school together?”
Sakura clearly flustered allowed red to seep into her cheeks,
“B – Baka! He walked up to me! And it was a coincidence!”
“Hai, hai I’ve seen how you two are in class so there’s no need to hide it from me, the relationship that is.”
“R – Relationship! There’s no such thing!”
She turned and grabbed Naruto by his shirt pulling him on front of Ino,
“Oi Naruto! Tell her there’s nothing going on!”
“I – what?”
Ino took advantage of Naruto’s surprise,
“Oooooh! So there is something going on ! Hahaha! Wait till Sasuke-kun finds out!”
She then sped up her pace half running to the Academy, Sakura threw Naruto into the ground running after her,
“Oi! Ueito Ino-buta!”
Naruto looked up to see her turn back at him, he noticed that despite the fact she appeared to hate Ino there was a shine in her eyes that resembled some child like joy, a smile began to break across his face until Sakura spoke,
“Thanks a lot Naruto no Baka!”
His face dropped and his head followed staring into the round he thought, I blew it didn’t I…
Huojin was sitting in his classroom waiting for the class to begin, his eyes were half shut and he felt as if he was about to sleep, he regretted once again staying out so late on a school night. It seemed that his young body couldn’t keep up with the lifestyle of an adult, he wondered if the pills he took this morning were working, the low rumble of voices entering his ears suddenly exploded causing an extreme amount of pain to him he collapsed into his desk turning to the girl next to him with a dark look, Liu gave him a sincere smile which pissed him off even more, GuangLi on her right was smirking happily. Huojin then turned his attention to the noisy girls that had entered the classroom.
Naruto arrived at the door of the classroom and wasn’t surprised to find that Sakura and Ino were still fighting, despite it being annoying and spiteful at this stage their fiery personalities where what made both of them unique, Perhaps that’s why Kurenai favoured Ino, she had the fire she didn’t. He scanned the rest of the classroom and was surprised to see a head of platinum blonde hair, examining further he saw it belonged to a beautiful girl who had light hazel eyes and a warm face, she wore a Qipao that was a pale blue and covered with golden butterflies.
He stared for a moment entranced by her beauty before she laughed, Naruto’s jaw dropped, Sugoi! Kawaiiiiiii! He noticed that she was looking at the boy next to her so he looked at him to see another person he didn’t recognise. This person was slouched on his desk and looked half asleep, he had short, wavey, blazing read hair that reached his shoulders, he had pale grey eyes that sparkled strangely and wore a full length ninja suit that was dark blue, over it he wore a sleeveless Shenyi that was pure white except for the collar which was a murky grey.