try to read chapter one for me!

[LaVon]

MASTER



I had to be asleep, this was too suprising, like i should be in shock seeing myslef asleep but i wasnt. I breathed in to calm my nerves but i had little confidence.
" calm down !!!" i told myslef."im just sleeping."
I sat on her bed next to her sleeping body."maybe if I pinch myself I'll wake up..."...Na that would hurt I jumped up from where I sat. " i know!" and opened the door. " AAHHHHH!!!" the outside of my bedroom was all black, darkness, it flooded every corner like a desease that increased with fear.I slammed the door shut.
" no one can hear you jacky." I wipped around to see that my body had sat up in the bed." no one can see you... except me." the thing in my body smiled the cruelest smile that my face could handle. " i will take over your life, just like you wished for."
okay so i know what your thinking " she deserves what she got" . but before you put my story down, let me tell you everything that happened two weeks before this. my name is Jacky Nickoleson, i grew up in a big town. always with the same people. elementry school, middle school and now high school. people tend to get bored. I was bored.

" so, are you still a virgin?" katlyn whispered in my ear. i looked around me and noticed that every eye in the girls locker were on me. i shook with antisipation, but i breathed in slowly so they wouldnt see. being mad was bad for me, and everyone else around me.
" why would you want to know?" i turned toward her " unless,oops" i turned around and walked out of the steamy bathroom. it was so easy to ruin somebody's reputation. i was not the type of perseon to stand by and take crap from people who i never evan thought about. she would throw a fit and rumors would fly that she bacame a lesbian. it was too easy to ruin someone elses life, just not mine. i was the bored person. the hall was packed with people, and a smell of sweat and teenage hormones waft up to my nose. it almost made me gag. but i kept walking. i could feel their breathe on my back and their eyes on my every move. i hated my life. there was nothing special about me. well not that i coudl tell. I ignored every one, besides my best friend.
"hey chiky!!!" thomas swung his arm over my shoulder causing me to struggle to keep standing. he was tall and had long blonde hair that fell to his shoulders and the prettiest blue eyes i have ever seen. he was my thomas. we were best friends.
I had to look up to talk to him " well before you so rudly jumped on me, i was very happy at what i accomplished." i smiled at him
" jackiiieee!!!" he whined " did you make another girl cry again?" at first he had his baby face on but then he burst out with a big smile showing of his big white teeth. "awesome job!" he put his hand up in the air so high i had to jump to reach it. he made me smile, it was one of his many great abilities. " so whay did she do?"
" call me out infront of everyone."
" again?" yeah again. we were all bored. every one in high school was bored. they wanted fights, brawls, and people tearing at other peoples faces. it was the system of bordedom. and i am the queen of boredom. well i was. after that my life grew more vast. the beginning of third hour was loud and annoying, and are teacher was meek and small.
"uuum" she said too low for us to hear." can you all sit down?" i heard her from the beginning, and it annoyed me that no body could show respect to teachers. So i did what any respectable person would do
"EVERYBODY, Sit down and shut the hell up!!!" it got quiet, and i knew it was the battle i had won."the teacher would like to say something." i sat down, silence always annoyed me more than anything.
The teacher smiled shyly as she spoke, she was not used to the attention " We will have a new student today, he is from transelvania, he is american, and....what else, oh yeah, and he is very very smart." She looked over at her papers. "so please be kind to him when he arrives." she sat down, dismissing our silence, and we could go back to do what ever we were doing in the first place.
I reclined in my seat,i closed my eyes, thinking on what she had said. a new student huh? that was different, and it was quite rare to get new students at this place. everybody's conversation centered around the new student to be. I closed my eyes and tried to think of what would happen. myabe anything maybe nothing.
It was probably ten minutes later before the room hushed. I opened my eyes, and found the most beautiful boy i had ever seen with my own two eyes. he stood in the door way, his eyes cast down. His hair was a dark shade of blonde, and he was tall. the arura around him was like a purple blue. nothing i had ever seen before. I sat up more curious than ever.this would be interesting....He looked up and met my gaze, for a moment everything stopped,I couldnt catch my breath. and as soon as it begun, it stopped, i breathed out. what was that? His eyes were a light violet, and it made everyone gasp in the room. The teacher tood up and led him to the front of the room. " This is Derek Lockey," He bowed a deep bow. He spoke a little about himself before sitting in the empty seat behind me. I sat back and closed my eyes, i could feel him staring at my back. "I know your watching me" I whispered. he was quiet for a moment.
"So you know what i am then?" I shrugged at his question. of course i knew. I have only met one of this kind when i was ten years old. he was a vampire.
Yeah i know what your thinking. a vampire cant walk around in the light. but that is not true. vampires can walk in the light, they are normal in the light. but in the dark, they turn, not ugly, but fierce, everything about them is transformed onto a dark handsome version of their original selves. I wondered what he looked like. what he ate. all vampires at different food. different blood types, they all craved something different.
In a dark whisper i asked him with curiosity "what do you eat?" i could hear him breathing.
"I like to eat alot of things," he whisperef back.
"that doesnt answer my question."
The room was silent. i looked around me. everybody was watching me. well all the girls that is. I shrugged and turned around to face derek.
" well?" he asked me.
"I need to go to the bathroom." I said in an exaggerated voice.
Derek caught on " oh wow, i shouldnt have eaten that egg sandwhich, o dang i have to go to the bathroom to." he was a bad actor.
The teacher stood up. "Jacky you take derek to the guys bathrromm, it is close to the girls's bathroom." she sat down and started to read. I shrugged my shoulders, as i grabbed his free hand. "come, i dont want you crapping on this seat." and we left without a word.
As soon as we reached the bathroom i pushed him in the girl's and locked the door behinde me. "now what do you want with this school?" I said in an aggresive tone. "I know how to kill vampires, Ive done so only once before," My perents used to be vampire hunters. Though they were killed, I still had their ability.
He held his hand up to my mouth. "my perents arn't vampires, but i am, they have no idea."
I knew what he meant.you can either be born a vampire, with human parents, or you are born human with vampire perents. the only way to change to a vampire from human is your perents can bight you, and the same goes for those who wish to be vampire."okay first tell me what you eat so i can at least whatch those around me " if he ate blood, i would have to kill him. it was very rare for a vampire to eat blood, even i knew that.
he breathed in as if to hear my thoughts
"blood" it came out more a whisper than anything

[ThirdSight]

This was painful.

Your writing style's sloppy, has very little form to it, and is universally void of anything that would catch the reader's attention. Instead, whoever decided to read this is searching throughly for what in the hell is going on, rather than actually paying attention to what occuring.

There a great many good books out there written my a great many different authors who all share a fairly simple writing style. Yours, to be frank, is far worse. As in a movie with horrible editing, things jump around from one thing to the next with little to no time for the reader to sit back and figure out what the hell is actually going on.

You tried desperatly to start in the middle of an "action scene" to get your reader's attention, but you failed miserably at it. What the hell's going on; can I say it enough? You're reader has no clue as to what's happening, and you're doing nothing to give him/her a moment to slow down and figure it the hell out.

I can't sugarcoat: this piece was absolutly horrible. Please try to understand the basics of writing any piece of literature before you attempt something like this again.

[LaVon]

ouch . but okay,i admit its sloppy . thats just me. it usually takes me a while to edit somthing. okay if you dont believe me check me out at poetry.com.
under j. lavon bill. and vwalla! and you will see. okay, so ill fix it up in a little bit....

[CrazyLee]

Okay, I'm going to have to say something here. The concept for whatever it is your working on is good. Vampires, and hunters, are a common theme which a lot of people do. Thing is that unless you get a really good, unique version, it becomes a rip-off of Buffy. And be careful with the Vampire mythology.

Do you have Micorsoft Word? Cause your grammar, lack of spacing, etc nearly killed me. Its was a hard slog to get through it.

Other than that its not a bad start. Edit it first, and when you've done that I'll go back through and pick at certain points that don't make sense, or need to be expanded upon.
Sorry, but you could do so much better if you stopped and proof-read it.

[Salvanas]

When it comes to giving critique, I'm usually very smooth.

But I'm sorry.

I couldn't get past the first paragraph. I lost interest in slugging through a pure pit of sludge.

The grammar, the pure slaughter of the English language. I agree fully with Thirdsight.

[LaVon]

okay, i know you guys are right. i like critisism though. so say all you want.
you guys are right about my sloopy...grammer. when i type, i type in a hurry.
but what i must say right here right now, or what ever is, i already know my stories never have a correct structure. but that also make it more original. and, im a reader, i read and read. i m also a writer, i write, and write. this is just practice....yeah this might sound weird but i am never serious about story starters until something about it inspires me.
everybody is a critic. i am the worst.
I know if i was reader and read this...sloppy grammer, i would totally say,
escuse me, but how long have youv'e known english? i met better english writers than you and they just learned english half a year ago!!!!! you totally suck at life, and now you suck at writing!!!!!
just joking...but close to the lines.

[Salvanas]

LaVon, a word of advice.

When you are writing, don't rush. Take your time. If you rush, everything goes.

Another thing, you're structure MIGHT be unique, but unique isn't always better.

[ThirdSight]

I cannot stop myself.

Originally Posted by LaVon

i already know my stories never have a correct structure. but that also make it more original.

I don't know who told you this, but I'm fairly certain that whoever managed to squeak this into your skull may not have a central nervous system. Not having structure in a story does not make your story more original or creative. Ever. I don't think the Internet will let me stress that enough. It's words on a page, it's not a story, nor never will be one, unless it has structure. Structure is more than grammer, spelling, and punctuation; if you don't understand that, you cannot hope to ever write something of merit until you learn otherwise.

Originally Posted by LaVon

i am never serious about story starters until something about it inspires me.

How else, pray tell, can anything ever creative be created? One of the best ways (and the best authors practice this religiously) to start a story you didn't know you had is to write about something, anything, and to keep going with it, pursuing it with the utmost intensity and sincerity; should the work not turn out to the writer's liking, it's simply tossed or saved for later reference. The only way you might produce great ideas without having to consantly exercise the creative muscles is if you have an amazing idea at least twice a day, though all evidence suggests otherwise.

I apologize for the lengthy post and rant, but I cannot help myself. As someone who is studying the art of writing constantly, it pains me to not only know that great writers are far and few between and that now in the Information Age, anyone, namely those that got good grades on in-class essays and thought they were creative enough to "get popular" and "be liked", can be a "writer". As a (incredibly bad, let's not lie to ourselves) practicioner of the art of writing, it breaks my heart to see the craft which I've chosen as a career being bastardized.

Learn the rules before you break them.


Wow...fire was spewing out of my mouth there. Sorry again.

[LaVon]

it was only a rough draft. what i meant was my rough drafts never have a structure. And just to let you on a word of advise, smart person, it does. I know.
Oh, and sorry about rushing. I cant help but rush typing down a story when I have a story on my head. Here, to prove myself I 'll give you some of the revised peice.

I couldn't face the facts about anything, with all the lies, and all the people who told them. The room was half empty now, and I needed to have some time to myself. All I could hear from their low whispered conversations was that they thought it was my fault. My fault for killing my perents? I couldn't help it if my perents were also vampire hunters, everyone else in the room was. Stupid Mourners.
I couldnt cry with my folks gone. It's not like they were ever home to watch me grow up. I sat down next to my cousin, also a vampire hunter. I am the only normal non-vampire hunter in my entire family. The only time I ever remember with my perents, was when they gave me a How To Be a Vempire Hunter book, I was six years old. I knew then what I know now, I will never want to be what my perents were.
Finally, my thoughts took over without my realizing, and time had passed more quickly. As the last person walked out, I sighed deeply. All I know about vampires is that they are normal in the light. In the dark they transform into a darker version of themselves, and not all vampires need blood to survive. The most dangerous thing about them is, they are powerful, and not all of them use it for the good. All their five sences change to a hundred times than in ithe light. I looked around my surroundings, everything was grey and black. This was the most serious room I had ever been in. It made me sick. My mother decorated it, and she was fond of seriousness...or from what I knew. The sad part about my perents death, that I even considerd sad was, they died doing what they loved.
School started again tomorrow, and it was already late. I breathed in and folded my arms. The only thing posative about this room was the comfiness of the chairs. I closed my eyes, like I did any other day and slept in pure light.

My school days were boring. Physical Education was first hour, and the only thing I enjoyed about this class was the workouts. The stinging of my muscles, and when we jogged out side along the long row of trees. The teacher game me exctra credit for jogging everyday. It felt so good when the cool crisp morning air hit my face, I would do it anywy, with or without the extra credit. What really got me about last night, was that everybody left me something. As if they thought I will want to hunt after my perents killer. Why would I ?
I only met a vampire once, and his aurora was different form humans. He, to me, was like any other normal being. He was my next door neighbor, in his middle fifties. He was the one who taught me about vampires, about himslef. His name was Randy, and he loved to garden, he once said he had the green thumb since birth. I asked him about that eventually.
"Randy, how were you born?" He looked at me with a grimace.
"I'll tell you something Jackey," he paused, " we, vampires, we..." he took a sip of his tea, "most vampires are born by human perents," I watched him play with the rim of his china cup " like me, but vampire perents bare children that are human. " He looked at me and smiled.
"Wait," there was always something more to know, "then how do you get turned into a vampire?"
I knew he knew I was going to ask that sooner or later. "well, the vampire perents, they are the only ones who have the ability to turn their children into what they are." He took another sip of luke warm tea, " and the human perents can't really do anything..." He looked sad, I felt sad too. It must be sad to live with what you can't change. But I felt pride coming from him, like a radiating light, his aruroa was orange. I aslo felt pride for this man, he made what he is, a good thing.
Jogging ended quickly, and it was time for a shower. I let the warm water run over me, taking all the coldness out of me. I was alone, mostly because I was the only one who jogged instead of worked out. I had all the the privacy I wanted. No noise, nothing to burden my sharp hearing, except the sound of the rushing water.

[Harold]

What are you getting at here? You need to explain things better and make sure that what you say makes sense. A lot of your story seems to be thrown together without much thought put into actual organization...

An example. You wrote:

I was alone, mostly because I was the only one who jogged instead of worked out. I had all the the privacy I wanted. No noise, nothing to burden my sharp hearing, except the sound of the rushing water.

Some words here really have no good reason to be there other than to be fillers. You still can communicate the idea of being alone without using filler-words.

The bolded words are what I could consider filler words. The red contradicts itself. You can't have both of those things going on at once.

Here's how I would say it:

Being the only one who jogged, I was left alone. The privacy of the moment became mine. Aside from the rushing water, things were relatively quiet. My ears could finally relax.

Here's what I wrote, but with filler words:

Just by being the only and only one who jogged that day, I was left all alone to myself with no one around. The privacy of the moment became mine. Aside from the sounds of rushing water from the shower rushing over my head, things were actually relatively quiet mostly because I was alone. My ears could finally relax without much problem.

See the difference?

Here's a recommendation. Make sure you run your text through spell-check. Odd structured sentences, grammar mistakes, and spelling errors all distract from your piece, and that's not something you really want to happen. Try to make things less flowery when you describe the situation and get to the point without losing meaning.

Other than that, keep it up!