Long Term Relationship--having second thoughts?

[Lallyzippo]

Heya.

I'm an American student, a junior, studying abroad in Japan for a year. I also have been in a relationship with a Japanese guy from my school's sister University for over a year now.

Lately, there have been some issues. Mostly due to my own stress.

Thing is, he's currently a senior and job-hunting without much success. This is partially due to his age, because he went to a university before this one. Moreover, his family situation is problematic. His dad is sort of an alcoholic and will come home and verbally abuse their family, especially my boyfriend's mom. He's even kicked her on occasion. My boyfriend keeps pushing his mom to divorce his dad, but they needs the money his job provides.

He wants to move into his own apartment, but needs a job first.

I love him, but sometimes when he is job searching, he may not apply to certain places just because it's not really what he wants. For example, I suggested he look in Sendai because not many people want jobs there now. He said "Uhhh, maybe..." So that means he's not even going to try. He's also said "Well, some of my friends got jobs in Tokyo, so I would feel bad if I couldn't do that too." I realize that he's at a disadvantage in the job-hunting system now, but he's also not trying as hard as he could be.

Moreover, I'm having a hard time adjusting to Japanese life. I think maybe I feel pressure from myself to like it and want to live here; either because I have my boyfriend, or because my major is Japanese Studies. Either way, I wouldn't mind working here for a couple years, but I wouldn't want to live here forever. My boyfriend has said the same thing about America. So, if I stayed with him, and we did long distance again for my senior year while he was (hopefully) working, I would probably have to come back and live here 10ish years, give or take. I'm...not sure yet if I'm up for that.

And we don't share a religion...which doesn't matter to him, but it matters more to me.

We've agreed to stay together until the Christmas break (which for me is like, three months). Then, during my time back home (my folks aren't supportive of this relationship very much ><), we'll think about what we want in the future. Then the next semester, we'll decide on being friends, or a couple again.

I just...don't know who to talk to about it. It's a decision I have to make, but it sucks. He's the sweetest man I've known, and he's treated me so well. He always let's me know he loves me, and is gentle to animals. He's kind, and even though we don't always share the same sense of humor, he's relaxing to be with. At first I was worried he would hurt himself if I broke up with him, but he has been very mature about my plan to think about our personal futures over Winter Break. I really love this guy, and I don't want to break up with him, but if I look at the future...I'm not sure.

What are your opinions about the situation? If you've been in a relationship that lasted or ended, I would definitely love to hear!

[Nyororin]

I think that the two of you need to sit down and put all the issues on the table. Have a big discussion about it and figure out what you two want from this relationship. You say you are staying together until whenever, but have you put all the concerns you have up on the table for him to see? Have you tried to get him to do the same?

I have been through the finishing-university-job-hunt thing with my boyfriend (now husband), and I get the feeling that you are taking it a bit lighter than it really is. If he finds a job, chances are it will be his job for a LONG time. Lifetime employment dipped for a bit there, but with the current economic situation people are tending to hold on to any job they can get.
Another very important thing to consider - skills and the market for jobs in a certain area. It isn`t a part time position. This is a career he is hunting for, not something he can quit if it doesn`t work for him. Taking the first thing that comes along is NOT a good idea. The company that takes him on as a new graduate will do the majority of his work-skill training, which means it will be VERY hard for him to enter another company unless it is pretty much the same thing as the first. Applying for anything you think you can get pretty much guarantees that it is all you will be able to get from there on out.

You also seem to be forgetting the importance of location.
You are in a foreign country. Anywhere is going to be similar for you. But this is his home country. He has friends, family, sentimental attachments, a childhood to look back on, etc in a specific area. Moving long distance inside Japan is going to carry a different meaning to him than it will for you. He may have very strong feelings about moving away and leaving his mother all alone to deal with his father.

You need to keep these things in mind when looking at his choices. What may look to you like "not trying" is likely a whole lot more that he isn`t coming out and saying... And he may actually believe that you understand where he is coming from so be somewhat hurt that you are pushing in the direction you are.

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When it comes to religion, I can make no comments. But if this is a very important thing to you, it is likely to remain an important issue as it has very little chance of going away.
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I started going out with my husband when I was 19 and he was 20. We stayed together through the job hunt, and I actually vetoed some places because he was more willing to take anything but I didn`t want to see him stuck in some unhappy position just to support us. After he got his 内定, we got married.

Being happy in Japan seems to be a balance of language skill and how much you depend on friends with similar backgrounds. I was already fluent when I met my husband and had moved around quite a bit in the time before I came to Japan (and had been in Japan for a while before we met) so didn`t really feel a need for a strong web of close friends. I have never had any trouble with life here, and we plan to live here for life. Plus - my husband speaks virtually no English.

[Lallyzippo]

I see...Yes perhaps it was a bit selfish of me not to consider that he was hesitant about leaving his mother behind. On the other hand, his extended relatives live in Kyushu, so he was more open to that when I suggested it.

And it does explain some of his job-hunting attitude that I didn't quite understand. However, he hasn't gotten any offers yet. He almost finished one company's interview process, but didn't quite make it...

The fact that he's older (26 now) I think definitely makes it harder for him.

We speak mixed Japanese-English when we communicate with each other.

Thing is, we're in a serious relationship, that we both hope is leading to permanent commitment (marriage). However, the major issues that are bothering us are mostly location, and (for me) religion. Since I wasn't as knowledgeable as I should have been, I've also made some faux pas in manners which concerns him, I think. I would say that I'm attached to some people back home, and that it was a little hard to adjust to the new dynamic of friendships here when I first arrived. But since then, I feel I've improved somewhat...

I'm not fluent, but I can hold a conversation with someone.

If I'm being honest, some aspects of life here, while I can respect on an academic level, I would have a hard time living with on a daily basis.

I keep going back and forth on this...One minute I can't possibly leave him and that I can just deal with things I don't like, and another I'm thinking living in Japan permanently isn't for me.

[Nyororin]

I see...Yes perhaps it was a bit selfish of me not to consider that he was hesitant about leaving his mother behind. On the other hand, his extended relatives live in Kyushu, so he was more open to that when I suggested it.

Having family nearby is a REALLY big thing. There are so many things that traditionally fall back on having accessible family - and this hasn`t really changed all that much even with extended family living apart. He may be feeling extra pressure from this as in Japan, it will all be his family. You don`t have any nearby or accessible family. There are a lot of cultural things that pretty much count on family being there, so it is really hard for people to imagine going at it "just the two of you". My husband had lived away from family since high school (his family lived at least an hour from the closest school, so he lived in a dorm), but still, the thought of getting married and having a family without family nearby was a daunting one for him. Even now, we get comments all the time about how amazing it is that I didn`t "go home" when we had a baby, and how we manage everything without family support, etc.

And it does explain some of his job-hunting attitude that I didn't quite understand. However, he hasn't gotten any offers yet. He almost finished one company's interview process, but didn't quite make it...

The fact that he's older (26 now) I think definitely makes it harder for him.

I don`t know about the age bit making it harder, really. That depends on his education. If he is a normal undergraduate - at 26 it will be hard (why did it take that long to graduate?). If it is a graduate degree or undergrad and specialty school (専門学校), it shouldn`t make much a difference.
The market is tight for jobs to begin with.
I think my husband applied for something like 80 or 100 places, actually got invited to the pre-interview company seminar for about 25... And got past the first interview at 5 or 6. Of those, he got accepted at three. One was a temp-employee company that was accepting anyone and everyone so got a big fat X. Another had spots all over the country and sent people here and there, so was another X (great company with good pay, but we wanted to settle down...). The company he went with was able to give us a guarantee that he would stay at the main office so got the go. Offers are really the final and special goal - you are lucky if you get one, let alone several.

If his age is causing him stress, it is probably because it will be much harder for him to *leave* a company if it doesn`t work out. A young grad won`t have too much trouble finding another position at 23 or 24... But at 30? Things get harder, so it is all the more reason for him to be a bit cautious and not take the first thing that comes along.

We speak mixed Japanese-English when we communicate with each other.

I am going to be straight and tell you something I have observed over 12 years of encounters with international marriages in Japan... And two years of translating for couples involved in divorces.
Those that have one solid language that both are mostly fluent in fare a LOT better than those that mix. There is WAY too much leeway for misunderstandings, and a lot more space for any disagreement to be called a "cultural difference" rather than dealt with like a normal problem... I am not saying that it is a death knell, but... I can`t think of any successful marriages where there wasn`t a mutual fluent language.
Can you tell him everything you want to in a language you are completely sure he understands all of what you mean in?
Can you say the same for him?
These things tend to get bigger and bigger as time goes by. What language you communicate in isn`t really an issue - there are some couples who have done quite well in a third language that neither is a native speaker of. The big thing is how well your feelings are getting to him and how well his feelings are getting to you - including all the small nuances and things between the lines.

I'm not fluent, but I can hold a conversation with someone.

There are a lot of levels to "conversational", so I can`t really comment in detail. The world changes significantly past certain levels of fluency.

If I'm being honest, some aspects of life here, while I can respect on an academic level, I would have a hard time living with on a daily basis.

I am curious what exactly these things are.
I am not going to say you are wrong or right in your feelings - we all have our personal feelings about certain things... But I have seen, far too many times, people completely misinterpreting aspects of Japanese life. The misinterpretations bleed over into all their perceptions of life and can give a very negative impression to certain things that do not deserve it. I don`t know if this is true in your case, but I have seen a LOT of it.

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ETA; Once life is yours - as in truly belonging to you and not to school, to parental expectations, etc - the world also changes significantly. Cultural issues and ideals that you don`t want to incorporate into life do not necessarily have to come into your home at all.

[kakurenbo]

So you don't want to live in Japan forever and he doesn't want to live in the US forever and you say if you stay in this relationship you will have to live in Japan for 10 odd years. What is expected to happen after 10 years that you wont have to live in Japan anymore?

[Lallyzippo]

Actually, asked him about it yesterday, and he said he doesn't mind where we live, minus those earlier problems (he wants to spend the majority of time in Japan).

He went to another school before...so I got the impression it was more of a trade school. It was kind of a language institute, where he learned Spanish. He wanted to expand his education he said. I think when he was in high school and middle school he didn't really get good grades.

Well, his English is FAR better than my Japanese. Although I wouldn't call him fluent, he's very close. He can understand everything in many comedians' comedy routines, but he doesn't know why people think they're funny sometimes ^_^

When it comes to living here, most of the things I don't like I can live with. However, I guess my concerns in general pertain to any kids we could potentially have in the future if we stayed together.

I really value my American way of thinking as an individual, which here, is not as valued. If my kids were to grow up, I would want them to value independence and individualism. These views have pros and cons like everything, but they are the views I was raised with, so therefore they hold great value to me, and I want to pass them onto my children. If I lived here, they would grow up differently, because the society around them would be different. They may also have a difficult time since they would be half children, and would therefore look different.

Thing is, my boyfriend doesn't like Japanese public schools much, and neither do I, but living in Japan would make it harder for our hypothetical kids to avoid the kind of things taught by Japanese schools that we don't like.

There are other aspects, but most of it is in relation to the fact that I'm not familiar with Japan yet.

Originally Posted by kakurenbo

So you don't want to live in Japan forever and he doesn't want to live in the US forever and you say if you stay in this relationship you will have to live in Japan for 10 odd years. What is expected to happen after 10 years that you wont have to live in Japan anymore?

He's trying to get a job at an international company of some sort. So he's been looking at companies who transfer people. I think he eventually wants to work for a large trading company or the Japanese government.

Nothing's really a guarantee right now.