Need help with understanding my japanese boyfriend ><

[Hikikomori]

Hi, this is going to be a veeeeery long post, I'm so sorry, but I'm having a really big problem now, and if some of you guys are willing to help me I will be so happy!

I'm 21 year old Norwegian girl, and I'm studying japanese in Japan. I was here for 5 months last year and I came back in September this year and I'm going to stay for one year.

About two months ago, I met this Japanese guy(26 years old) and we fell in love, and we were hanging out everyday, I was very happy. For the first time in my live I had found a guy that took initative to meet me often, and even though I spent every day with him for 1 month, I dodn't find any sides about him that I didn't like. Since I'm so to say fluent in japanese we communicate very well, and dont have many misunderstandings. Even thoug we had some, he is very patient and understanding.

But then we went to some party, and something happened, that made me really angry(I had been drinking 1 bottle of gin, so i was kinda stupid), but the reason I got angry was "valid". I ended up arguing with this french girl, and then I left the party in anger(after telling my bf that i was leaving).... and when he comes after me, the first thing he does is blaming me for my behaviour. I mean, he can blame me, I was stupid, but read the situation, I was pretty upset... so we had a big fight. And then he told me he had nothing more to talk to me about, and in my head it sounded like he broke up with me, so 2am in the middle of the night I went to his house, and ringed the door bell once, he didnt open, but he knew I was there, and I was sitting outside his house for 5 hours in the middle of the night, and he didn't let me in(I was pretty desperate at the time haha).... then he ignored me for 1 day because he was angry, and then he called me, and said that he wasnt angry anymore. I wanted to talk about the fight, since we need to talk to eachother to get to understand eachother, but he wasnt angry anymore so he didn't want to talk.

Then we didnt see each other or have a proper conversation for 1 week, before we went to tokyo with our(well, my) friends to see a concert. And I have never seen him so happy before, it was alot of people there but we were dancing together and kissing, and his usually not like that...we had such a good time, but when the concert was over, he was tired(probably, thats the only reason i can find for his reaction) but I didnt notice that, and I'm very energetic and wasnt tired at all so he was starting to get annoyed at my behaviour. Then we were talking about where to go next, the first trains home didnt go yet, so I wanted to go to karaoke, and my friend wanted to go to izakaya, by boyfriends friend wanted to go to karaoke, and one wanted to sleep so he didnt give a damn, so I asked my boyfriend "where do you want to go? like answer me honestly" and then he said "lets go to the first place we find", so we found a pretty expencive karaoke, 2000yen for 2 hours with drink-as-much-you-want, and when we got into the room, he was trying to sleep. Then I got pissed since if he was going to sleep anyways wouldnt it be better if we went to a cheaper place without all the noise and so on, then i got ignored, and since I got angry i went to sleep too, and then I left my friend that cant speak that well japanese alone with my boyfriends japanese friend(which i understand wasn't nice, but i didnt think at the time)... when I woke up, he was still angry, and told me that I was a bad friend and that I should change my way of thinking.
And then he ignored me for 3 hours in tokyo after that. He talked normal to everybody, but it was like i didnt excist. So i was very sad, and walked behind everyone, and trying to hold back my tears(I was talking to my friend about this in norwegian while it was going on, so she had full understanding) , and thhen he ignored me for 1 week, I got only one mail that said that he was angry because I had treated my friend that way and that he was dissapointed in my behaviour. I feel like an argument of that level isnt something that should result in being ignored for 1 week, but anyways, I held my frustration inside me, and was patient.

And then after 1 week, he showed up at my party, and we became friends again after a while.. but we couldnt talk properly because of the people, but then he told me that he's going to be busy with work frim now on. Hes a glassblower and all the stocks was sold out and he had 2 new designs. So he could probably not meet me so much. So for one week, we only sent mails, and the mails he always sent in the morning and after work and before he went to sleep, was decreasing, but i still thought that "he cant help it, he har work" ....and one week after that he came to a party a friend of mine had, and then we talked a little bit, but not much. It didnt seem like he wanted to sit next to me that much even though we had hardly spoken for 4 3 weeks....

And what happened 1 week ago, was that i sent him a mail about christmas( we were planning on hosting a party and he was going to make norwegian food for us)... lately since I hadn't met him i was starting to get a little depressed and i didnt feel like hosting a party. So I told him that I didnt want to host that kind of party, maybe just a normal party where we dont have to make food so more people could come, or that the two of us maybe could do something, and I asked what he think about that. And then he didnt answer, so I i gott sad, and couldnt keep my feeling inside anymore, sincee was afraid I would explode the next time we met if i kept them inside, so I sent him a mail explaining how I felt about him not beeing able to meet me, and thet I didnt expect him to meet me, but at least write in your mails sometimes that you miss me or something, I'm getting unsecure and I'm not used to being treated this coldly... well I sent a sad whining mail. And at the moment i sent that mail to him I got a mail from him: Why cant you just do the party the way you want to do it, but if your doing a "normal" party I aint going, since im gonna work on the design. jaa, mata."

So I guess he is angry again..... and I dont know why he gets so angry about all the time? why is hee together with me if everything i do is wrong?

In the beginning he was talking about how important it is to talk and argue and have ddiscussions, but everytime he gets angry, he stops talking to me, and starts with silent treatment, like im a child that has to go to her room and stay ther until she figures out what she did wrong. If I complaing about something, he uses the excuse that he is a japanese guy, but that excuse doesnt seem to work for me. He is kinda special in his way of thinking, since he has experienced a lot bad and good stuff, so he has very strict rules for himself and he wont stay the night at my place, since its to early, and he is talking about the future all the time and, well... he has his very own bushido.

It's so annoying, since I really like his good sides so much, but i hate that he gets so angry at me all the time, and stops talking to me for 1 week for stuuff that wouldnt become a fight between a norwegian couple... so the last time i talked to him, was one week ago, I havent contacted him he hasnt contacted me, and he has deleted all the pics on facebook where the two of us are together...I just dont understand what is going on. And I dont know what to do. He is going to be busy with work until december 28th, if I should wait until then.... or? Honestly I dont think he likes me anymore, but I wouldnt know since we havent met only the two of us in over a month and he wont talk to me...

Is it someone in this forum that might understand my boyfriend, cause i surely dont..

So sorry for writing such a long post, でも本当に困っています！

よろしくお願いします

[RobinMask]

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[Hikikomori]

Thank you very much for answering, I really didn't think anyone would bother reading my looooong post

I have though the same... If I'm getting crazy after 2 months, how could this possibly last, but I don't want to give up yet.

what I want is that we could talk things over, so that I can correct my mistakes and he can correct his. I'm sure that if he would only talk to me, and let me finish my sentences without interrupting ang give me a 30min long speech about his feelings(he usually does that), we could come to understand eachother. I have already changed my behaviour a lot because of him, I'm keeping my feelings controlled, because he want me to. And I'm doing my best, but he doesn't even seem to notice.

Well now he even took away his "relationship status" on facebook, and made custom privacy so that all his friends can see the pictures he is tagged in, but I cant... haha, this is getting to stupid. My friend thinks that since this is the first time I have stopped contacting him, he is starting to feel it, so he canges his facebook to get my attention. But I really don't know.

I don't know if it's cultural or just his personality that is difficult(well, doesnt match mine). I just know that he has been alone for 3 years, and he is not the type that talks about his private life at work, and he don't have many friends... so in this 3 years he has probably found his own way of thinking, and made up his mind about how things should be, and since no one has told him differently, he just got stuck with that way of thinking, so when a norwegian girl with a strong personality and her own opinions comes into the picture, it didn't end up the way he thought it would, so now he dont know how to deal with it.

But he is very nice to my friends though. Getting angry at me, because he thinks my behaviour towards my friends are bad, even though my friends and I are talking things over in norwegian, and they dont think I have done anything wrong. And he talk about my friends a lot, and when he comes to my friends parties, it feels like even if I weren't there, he would have come.
And he is trying to force me into becoming friends with other european/american people, because he think that because we are white, we are friends. So when I says "I have no interest in meeting her, we're not friends or anything" he gets annoyed at me, and gives me a lecture about seeing the good in people and ignoring the bad in people.....

[RobinMask]

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