Distance
 

I currently have a girl friend that I have yet to see, and I've been dating her for about a month and one week now.
I want to see her more than anything but her father keeps us apart. Telling her she lives in a fantasy world.
We are separated by about fifty miles and the distance sometimes cause problems.
I'm not sure what to do sometimes and other times I just plain don't care because (although I am young) I only want her and I couldn't deal with life, without her she helps me through so much. (I'm rambling)
Have you had a similar relationship situation?
How did you deal with it?

I know exactly how you feel. I am in a relationship that is just like this one. What I do to deal with the distance... Well, all I can do is wait. I wouldn't be able to deal with the little things in life without this person. I am learning to be patient and I know I can be. I had to wait my entire life for this person and I'm not going to get impatient now. I can't just give up. Our connection is very strong, I know that there will be the day when we can see each other. Maybe the wait will make it more worthwile. I see it as having something to look forward to. :)

I have to ask if you both have met your respective partners in real life, or know them from real life? It's just I can understand your feelings if you have, but if not then I'm just curious as to how you feel that you know the other person or know that you love them? And if you've never met the other person in real life can distance really be an issue, because you can't miss closeness if you've never had it, right? I don't mean this as an attack, but a genuine curiosity regarding the matter.

In specific response to Demitri, may I ask roundabouts how old you are? Just when someone is past a certain age I don't see how anyone can "keeps us apart", because past a certain age you have independence of your own. Who's to stop either of you getting on a train (meeting halfway maybe if a full journey is too much), or from talking to one another on a cell phone, or from just being together really? I wouldn't say she's living in a "fantasy", as only you two know how you feel and what may or may not work, but at the same time if you feel indifferent at times then it may be naive to assume it's love, not without knowing for certain and giving it time.

I think its more longing rather than missing someone.
A lot of relationships do great when a person gets to know a person then meets them.
But only when they are both true to who they are.
I'm 17 and she's 16
My still living under the parents roof. And though mine don't really care her father
Doesn't want me seeing her for some odd reason.
As for the closeness issue, like I said its the longing for that person not the missing.
I feel I've known this other person my entire life.
Its not as if I haven't thought about it logically.

Well, I haven't been in a relationship where the father (or mother) tried to keep me and my gf apart, but I have been in long distance relationships.

You said you're young, but exactly how young is "young?" I'm 22 now, and I've only been in long distance relationships ever since I met my first gf when I was 15.
Now, I don't want to be all negative and stuff, but I think it's very rare for young couples to make it in a long distance relationship where you don't get to meet a lot. 50 miles isn't that far though, so you should be able to see eachother at least a couple of times a month, right?

I've been in a relationship where my gf didn't even live in the same country as me, and that was both one of the best and worst things ever. Not being able to be with the one you love is painful, but when you finally get to be together it's just... totally awesome.

Not everyone can handle being in a long distance relationship, but if you're the type who can, I say go for it. It has its pros and cons, but it's still worth it imo.

I'm working on the distance thing still. 50 miles really isn't far, but I've got the problem with finding a ride. It's really difficult. There aren't any trains or busses that could take me to see him or I probably would have done that waaay before now. I am just trying now for a little lenience from my parents to see him. It's gonna take time. >.>

Track records of long distance relationship are generally bad, regardless of the age, mileage or cause for the separation. A few people can manage them, and the ones I have known usually had problems without the distance separating them fairly often. It seems to be an either/or situation. The relationships are stable in either closeness or distance, but don't seem to hold up when that factor changes significantly.

My parents were one of those that worked beautifully as long as Dad had flights taking him away for at least a week out of every month. And any older couple will tell you that when their partner retired and was home all the time, they drove each other crazy.

But the problem with separation before a relationship is solid on a face-to-face basis, is that there are not enough anchors in the day-to-day reality of the other person's life. You begin to operate on ideas and feelings that often proove unrealistic once you are together; not to mention the temptations of the here and now that regulary interfere.

Not wanting to knock anyone but are you 100% certain this girl is who she says she is (or boy). Until you meet irl she/he can send pictures of others, lie about age and so on. Just my cynical side showing

That's true, as a friend of ours can attest to.

If they were a guy and presumably gay
It wouldn't matter I'm pan-sexual
And I know they are who they say just trust me on that
I wouldn't be in the relationship if I had any doubt.

At the risk of an off-topic . . . what is the definition of pansexual, anyway? It just seems exactly the same as 'bisexual' to me. Is there a difference at all? What is it that makes 'pansexual' different? :confused:

Pan-sexual will love anyone whether they be boy , girl, transgender or a hemaphrodite

That makes sense. Fair enough :)

On-topic though, another poster asked how you can know whether another person is lying or not. I will always think that meeting in real life is best, but until then have you tried webcam? Most messenger services - most famously Skype - enable you to have video calls with the other person, and seeing them and speaking to them 'in person' might help ease any pains that come from distance. It would also enable you to get to know them better, because then you have other things to go on, such as body language and tone of voice.

@RobinMask That's a valid point.

My boyfriend and I have been dating a little over 6 months now, I live in Michigan and he is in Cali, a solid 2000+ miles between us. Makes things very rough, he flew out to see me for a few days after a few weeks of flirting and we got along great, he flew me out to Cali for 10 days on Feb 19th, I got back last Wed and I can honestly say it was the best 10 days of my life, being with him makes me so happy, and he makes me realize how much of a good person I can be, I love him with all my heart :)

But.

I had also been friends with him for about a year before the flirting started, so I knew him for quite a while before meeting him, the best advice I can give you is to just wait it out, I know how rough it is, really. But in the end it's really worth it. Good luck :D

i used to have many pen friends when i was young. mostly in the forces.


nobody can know a person unless they meet them or even live with them for a while.

sometimes actual meeting with them can be disastrous.

better to to have real friends.

it is natural to want to love someone and for them to love you.

i put my love on my dogs------safer that way, loving someone hopelessly can be torture.

There's realist and then just plain cynical :/

i've been around a long time------------don't lose your heart to a total stranger.

Truly. It's bad enough losing to someone irl

To me, it is real. The only thing is that we can't touch each other. We talk on the phone every night. I feel like I've known this person my entire life, but I actually have not. I feel the connection so strongly that I sometimes don't even need to be talking to the person to know what's going on, I just know. The distance sucks, but I think it will make it better when we do meet. The feelings might be even more intense with the physical closeness added in... I can't wait. ^.^

Are you talking about Demitrichan?

I haven't had a situation like that ever in my life. But I can tell you that you're in for the long run. All I can say is that if you really want this to work, don't give up. Aja Aja fighting!!! :D

I totally agree with Dogs on this. How do you know it's real unless you've met them? You don't know if you can cope with their annoying bad habits, or if you can stand certain physical qualities they may have, or if you're truly compatible. I know it may sound cynical to some, but you really need to see a person in real life in order to get to know them.

I mean I've known one of my best friends for ten years - she's like a sister to me - and I spent a week living with her on holiday, and even though I love her I still was grateful it was only a week and not two. You see a side to someone in real life that you don't see online, a whole other side to them living with them that you don't see just hanging out. It turns out I'm pretty anal with chores, which drove her mad, and likewise her lax nature with 'I'll do it in a moment' drove me mad too. We still adore one another, but we couldn't really live together for too long, we're just too different.

You can know someone your whole life and not truly know them in a real sense, so if you're miles apart and haven't ever truly met then you're knowledge of a person is pretty low in my opinion. You could be in for a lot of heartache if you invest so much so early. Wait a while, meet in person, and then judge if it's real or not.

I have two long-distance relationships behind me. One was about two years the other was about four years. Both of them lived in the states, while I'm from Scandinavia. I never met the first one but I met the second one three times. She came here once for about a month and I went there twice; 3 months both visits.

I was 16 when I met the first and 22 when I met the second one. Phone calls, internet and snail mail as contact methods.

If you ask me which is more realistic? Face to face dating, without a doubt.

Talking on the phone and voice + webcam is a good way to deal with being apart, while it also makes it harder at the same time. But those are essential in actually learning to know about each other. Just typing online isn't gonna give you a full idea of who the person is and what they are like.

Sure you get to know things you might not ever learn if you met them face to face instead of online. But there's a good chance the person you met online isn't going to be anything like what they are on the inside while they TYPE. The second girl I dated was pretty close to polar opposites online vs. real life. Even phone vs. real life was clearly very different when it came to her. We might have been compatible online but we weren't compatible at all in real life.

I'd say meeting them as soon as possible is what should be done before you get in too deep, it can get messy.

Also there's a difference between needing someone in your life versus becoming dependent on someone's existence to ponder about (for many reasons e.g. because they get me and understand me like no other ever has; because it feels like we're soul mates; because there possibly can't be anyone else who loves me as much; because they relate to me so well).

I agree, you don't really know a person until you spend some with them IRL.
I had known my ex for about a year before we decided to start "dating."
I put the quotation marks around "dating" since we hadn't actually met yet, but we both knew we liked eachother, and we decided to meet up asap. And so we did!
Spending time IRL is sooooo different from just talking online/on the phone, and sometimes it felt like it wasn't even the same person (not necessarily a bad thing).

On the other hand, online dating can be a good way to get to know eachother before you actually meet up. My mum did it, and got married 6 months after they met up, so the possibility for it to work out is there, but don't make any huge plans until you get to know the person IRL.
I've noticed a lot of young (13-17) people date people online without actually meeting the person they're dating, even though they live in the same city! I really don't see the point of doing that, but that's OT.

I think you should slow down and try not to get TOO attached to her, meet up ASAP and THEN decide if you still think she's someone you want to be in a relationship with.

True, but there is also optomistic and trusting, then just plain oblivious.

Realist - My gut wrenching knowledge of far too many people people who find out painfully that their LD relationship was more fantasy than reality, and just how much it costs in the long run. All the sympathy and warnings from those who have been there will never be heeded by those caught in the dreams.

Cynic - Accepting that people will cling to the smallest hope and build fantasy relationships in an obsessive need to feel loved, so I should just ignore their self-blinding stupidity.

Video chat helps a lot. Unfortunately editing the background environment to match a false identity is extremely easy. Still its better than nothing, and not everyone is a good actor.

everything u say is so true robin. many friendships can be broken up during holidays together.

i think we can so easily fool ourselves but the test is living together. we all have our own way of doing things that can really irritate the other person