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In most jobs I have been in, five minutes late wasn't even noticeable. Five minutes late to a specific meeting might be, it would depend on what was being covered how disruptive being late would be. If I was five minutes late to work in my current position, no one would even notice. First class doesn't begin until 0855, and although there is a very brief "good morning everyone" it does not occur until a full ten minutes after the "on time" time of 0820. And this is a Japanese position. In the United States, I would expect this to be even looser (as has been my experience). In the Navy, this is quite a bit different. Being five minutes late to muster is just as bad as being five hours late to muster if you're enlisted. The only thing you'd be expected to say in public would be "No excuse, sir." In private, you would be asked for the reasons and the plan of action. If you refused or equivocated, you would be counseled. In the case of other mistakes, like perhaps a disruptive disagreement, I would suggest you look at the "silver surfer" incident from Crimson Tide. That is, in my opinion, a good example of officership in regards to apologies and explanations. For officers, being five minutes late to O-Call isn't nearly as big of deal (it's a lot more corporate), and you probably wouldn't even be asked for an apology the the first time. The more I think about it, if you were late again, you probably still wouldn't be asked for an apology. In fact, you would be asked why you were late and how you were going to fix it, and not an apology at all. I think in that case saying "I'm sorry, I won't do it again" would be seen as the equivocation! And that would not be very healthy, because it would be guaranteed to piss off the executive officer. I can just hear the XO now, "I don't give a good God damn if you're sorry. I only care what the hell you did, why the hell you did it, and how the hell you expect to fix it." Let's just say XOs are generally very colorful individuals, and what is considered "professionally acceptable" speech is very different in the Navy. That behavior wouldn't be acceptable in most civilian corporate structures. What seems to be the issue is the belief that a request for a reason and a plan of action is suggesting that there is no trust between senior and subordinate. This isn't the case at all. Now if the senior checked up on the subordinate after receiving the reason and the plan of action, that would demonstrate a lack of trust. Quote:
A reason shows why you understand that the mistake was yours. A plan of action shows your commitment to the promise you made to prevent it from happening again. Your word "justify" is at the heart of our disconnect. There is no attempt at justification. Justification would eliminate guilt, and apology would not be necessary. "I killed the terrorist, but he was attempting to shoot civilians" is a justification that eliminates guilt, but it doesn't (and I hope to God it never) eliminates remorse. I'm sorry is part of an apology, but it does not stand alone as an entire apology. If I made a mistake, and I accept that mistake is mine, I have the obligation to show more than just my remorse. I have an obligation to show remorse, account for my actions, and offer evidence of my commitment to change. That is an apology (tack on "in my opinion" of course). Quote:
It really does boil down to a cultural thing. If an explanation is an expected part of the dialogue, then you would be remiss in not providing it. If an explanation is an integral part of your sincerity, you will be upset to find your sincerity questioned. This reminds me of an old story about two captains of scouting parties from different nation states meeting for the first time. They approach each other differently. One with a weapon out, pointed towards the other, one with a weapon sheathed. Both consider each other hostile and charge. This event causes a war between the nation states. Years later, the survivors make peace and attempt to find out what went wrong: In one culture, showing your weapon is a sign of respect, a way of saying "You are my equal." In the other, showing your weapon is seen as, "I'm hostile, I plan to attack you." A sheathed weapon would be disrespectful to the first culture (taunting, really, "You are not my equal, I don't even need to bother to pull my weapon, you are so inferior"), and respectful/peaceful to the second. This is precisely what we have here. Actions (through words) that have entirely different meanings depending on the culture. Hopefully no one is going to die over it, but it does show the difference between intent and perception, and how they can breed ill feelings. We need to be aware of these differences before we accuse someone of insincerity or equivocation. |
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One time I was supposed to pick up a client at 8:00 AM. At 8:03 I received a call from my boss asking me where I was. The client had called him at 8:01 to complain I hadn't arrived to pick him up. Now when I deal with Japanese men I show up 15 minutes early, and find that often times, they are already there. Quote:
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If it were to happen again and again "I'm sorry" is going to clearly mean less and less and will soon become unacceptable as the speaker clearly isn't feeling remorse, as the behavior hasn't changed. Quote:
Even "My mom forgot to wake me up, so I am not going to trust her to wake me up anymore," is still lame, as you are blaming your mom, but then are taking responsibility for her inaction. Quote:
If any of my friends "offered evidence of his commitment to change" after showing up late, I would just scratch my head. If a date did that to me, I doubt I would be asking for a next date. |
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You are absolutely right that the "but" negates the apology. I even said so in the previous post. But implies justification, which implies lack of guilt, and that negates any acceptance of guilt. I did say I was trying to reformulate the apology MissMisa wrote, and I clearly failed. I have said earlier it was a bad example. I have also previously admitted that such an apology as the one above is unrealistic. Please go back and consider my "schedule" apology which is far more realistic. |
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If a date did that to you on the first date, I would find it odd as well. You have no continuous relationship. A girlfriend is something else entirely. If you've never offered evidence of a commitment to change in a committed relationship, I would be very surprised. |
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I think you are mixing up the uses of "I'm sorry".
"I'm sorry about your father's death" is not an apology for any action the speaker did (assuming, of course, he didn't cause the father's death). That is very different from "I apologize for your father's death" which is an admission of guilt. So saying "I'm sorry" is showing remorse, but is not necessarily an admission of guilt. However, an admission of guilt without any remorse is not an apology. "I was late. So what?" is an admission of guilt without showing remorse. I think you can show admission of guilt and show remorse in a mistake you made by apologizing and saying "I'm sorry." As for the military comparison, I don't think I am hung up on it, I am just saying it appears they do things differently than the civilian world, which might help explain your perspective that the non-military members here do not share. As an adult, I would not take your action plan to help ensure I am not tardy again as condescending. Supervisor or not, I would not take it as showing me care or respect. I would call it demeaning. They may do this in the military, and maybe it is because they can, but I don't think this would work in the working world unless it was something I thought I needed your help with. |
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Only if you prove yourself incapable of doing so would I do it for you. And that is way beyond the scope of an initial apology. Our disagreement stems from whether it is reasonable or not to expect and/or ask for that plan of action to be briefly outlined. I think it is. You think it is not. |
So in the end, the reason we disagree is because what you think the word 'sorry' means is different to what I think it means.
With my example, 'I didn't wake up because my alarm batteries ran out and my mum didn't wake me up' would you accept it would have just been better to say, 'I'm sorry I'm late.'? Or what would you actually say instead? I'd never do this either, but if someone ended up doing it, they'd have to figure out how to say sorry somehow. |
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In my area, all the private schools were single sex schools, so our topic doesn't come into it. I think there were good and bad things about the mixing for PE. For one, that's where I changed my mind about girls' abilities. Before playing basketball with girls, I always thought that girls were "weaker" at sports than boys. But I found that some girls were bad-ass and were running circles around us boys lol. But on the negative side, the boys were less serious and didn't play properly when there were girls. They always wanted to flirt or something! To be honest, I think the best thing to do, is mix PE class but have levels. So, the best play together, the worst together. Just like they did in all the other subjects! I spent 1 week in the worst math group there was, and I wanted to kill myself! When they moved me up to a better group with everyone having the same level, I felt like I was learning! |
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