JapanForum.com
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2
Show 40 post(s) from this thread on one page

JapanForum.com (https://www.japanforum.com/forum/)
-   Parenting in Japan (https://www.japanforum.com/forum/parenting-japan/)
-   -   Japanese raising (https://www.japanforum.com/forum/parenting-japan/11621-japanese-raising.html)

Kal3ido 01-20-2008 03:16 PM
I dont look at it as who looks better, if you come from a family where evey 3rd child succeeds, then you will understand my thinking. My mom and dad gave us a good home, made good living, they was involed in our lives, but my brothers as my dad calls them are "stumps". Since im the only one doing something with my life, I refuse to have my kids displayed in this negative light. I know that this might be wishy washy, but who know's as Im told, we have bad blood. I didn't believe it at first but it happens a lot where I live at. If you have 3 kids it seems like 2 of them will be stumps. That's in my family and friends. Im very superstitions(sp?)
Let's take BET for starters. What do you see? If a kid grows up and believes this is my culture I need to act this way or do this or wear this. Media does play an active view in children lives. All I can do is install in my child good values. I know I can not be with the child 24/7 and be like this is wrong, dont give into peer pressure and things like that. I think if a child feels that it's apart of another culture that has good values, maybe it will become different and a well respected person and want to know more about it. Maybe my notions are flawed, but they can be fixed. I just want my kids to not turn out like my generation.
Me on the other hand I feel I did good, I dont like to feed into the negative, but if you see it happens so many times how can you keep turning a blind eye and not wonder why it happens. Peer pressure was never an issuse for me, I dont follow the crowd. School was tough, but im still at it and doing a swell job if I dont say so myself.

SSJup81 01-20-2008 03:39 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kal3ido (Post 364263)
I dont look at it as who looks better, if you come from a family where evey 3rd child succeeds, then you will understand my thinking. My mom and dad gave us a good home, made good living, they was involed in our lives, but my brothers as my dad calls them are "stumps". Since im the only one doing something with my life, I refuse to have my kids displayed in this negative light. I know that this might be wishy washy, but who know's as Im told, we have bad blood.
I really can't understand this at all. I'm trying very hard to, but I'm failing miserably. I don't understand this "bad blood" thing at all. How can one's blood be an outcome with how a person is going to turn out? No one has that power. Then again, maybe I'm having a difficult time understanding this because I don't believe in superstitions.
Quote:
Let's take BET for starters. What do you see? If a kid grows up and believes this is my culture I need to act this way or do this or wear this.
Then it's your job as the parent to show your child otherwise through example. You can't shelter your kids from stuff like that, but you can act as a role model for your kids. Be involved in the kid's life. Show them that not all African Americans act like the filthy stereotypes that BET spews out. Show that it's not a sin to study and try to make something of yourself. Go read Bill Cosby's book, "Wake up People!" Seriously! I find this to be a very bad excuse. It's you're giving up on parenting before you even become one and "assuming" that your child will automatically "assume" that just because blacks on television like BET glorify being a "thug" or "hood" that that's the way things are supposed to be. Show your child some positive black role models, which consists of doctors, inventors, philosophers, scientists, writers, etc.

I hate the fact that you're coming across as if only media and society has an influence on your kid. Family has a big bearing on how a child acts.
Quote:
Media does play an active view in children lives. All I can do is install in my child good values. I know I can not be with the child 24/7 and be like this is wrong, dont give into peer pressure and things like that.
That's where teaching comes in. If you raise your child right from an early age, teach them as best as you can, then you just put trust into your child and hope it sticks with them.
Quote:
I think if a child feels that it's apart of another culture that has good values, maybe it will become different and a well respected person and want to know more about it. Maybe my notions are flawed, but they can be fixed. I just want my kids to not turn out like my generation.
If the child grows up with an American, even if it's unintentional, the child will pick up on American ways through the parent(s) if the parent(s) is/are American.

Even if you do send your child to Japan, what about alcohol and smoking? Both of these are really common over there. There's a chance your child could become an alcoholic and a chain smoker, hypothetically speaking.

That aside, your child will not turn out like your generation...he/she'll turn out like the next generation.
Quote:
Me on the other hand I feel I did good, I dont like to feed into the negative, but if you see it happens so many times how can you keep turning a blind eye and not wonder why it happens. Peer pressure was never an issuse for me, I dont follow the crowd. School was tough, but im still at it and doing a swell job if I dont say so myself.
Then why do you need to send your kid to Japan or have a Japanese child when you can instill these values in your child yourself?

Kal3ido 01-20-2008 04:44 PM
You can not understand what you do not know. Same goes for me and the Japanese culture, I need to be there to see first hand.
But as for the other things. A lot of people I know raise there kids right, and they still turn out bad, mines included. Family does play an EXTREMELY important part of there lives. But not all families as loving and have the white picket fance in front of there house. My family is not even close. I hate being around them. Again this has nothing to do with my self esteem and self image. Im talking about the African American people as a whole self image. Im not ashamed for me, but for the ones who act like the way people "think" we are. Even if I install 100% good values in him/her, does not mean they are going to listen. And this is where all the traits/genes/culture/herditary(sp?) falls in. I can do my best and not succeed and I can do my best and succeed. If I was giving up, I would not be sitting her on my phone debating with you. It's not just my culture or way of life. Everyone is affected. What about Linsey Lohan, Karine Steffans, Irv Gotti, Snoop Dog, 50 cent, Brittany Spears and Paris Hilton? Im sure there parents installed some good values into them as well. Everyone is not the Beyonce's or the 50 cents. Actually I have a lot of pride in being black, I just hate the negative image some have of us. I'am certainly going to show my child the wonderful people of the African American culture. But it's a shame when I ask black kids about black inventors, or hero's and they can only tell me Dr. King. You can only teach your kids so much, believe me, my mother done told me some things when I was younger and they have went in one ear and out the other. I think that everyone should be more open and not self-centerd. That's why I want a baby of mix heratige. To experiance things that was limited to me. And to understand how humanity should be. Most of my friends are not even interested in other races, unlike myself or dont even have one diverse friend. Normally to me, friends try and brain wash you, even if you dont want to do it. Most kids will to feel accepted by their peers. Why are so many pre-teens having sex and having babies? Because this is there common answear. "My friends are doing it, so Im doing it not to be left out." I did a paper on this last year. I even took a survery of my college. I hate cliques and I hate the norm. Just because I want a African American and Japanese baby make me wrong. Because I feel that with this she/he will have the couarge to succeed. Maybe the good parts of both races will rub of on the child. I will do my best as the parent, but it really depends on the child. Only thing I can do is try not to make the same mistake's my friends that are young mothers and my parents.

MMM 01-20-2008 05:26 PM
You still don't seem to get it. The cycle you are trying to break doesn't come from the color of your child's skin, but the values you are raised under and the beliefs inside you.

For the third and final time.

Why do you want a baby?

Kal3ido 01-20-2008 05:47 PM
Just because Im worried about my race and how it's seen by other's, does not mean I do not get it.
But to me having a baby is self fullfilling and I believe it's time to take that next step. Im not saying im bout to go out right now and get pregnant. Oh no, im only 19. But for the other things. Im almost done with college, I have a great paying job, and numerous other income. Im into the stock market, I own property, I take pictures, Im joint-ownership with a club and Im a landlord. I think it do not get any better then this. I gross about $50, 000 a year of that alone and that's with an A.S degree. Another thing is I do not want to be to old and have children. I see how, it was with me and my mother.
But lets put the nationlity of the baby aside, we all do respect, all I want to know now is how can I infuse the good values of the Japanese culture into my own? One response was I'll have to live in Japan, any others if there are, any other way's I would like to hear them.

Retrogamer77 01-20-2008 06:31 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kal3ido (Post 364263)
I dont look at it as who looks better, if you come from a family where evey 3rd child succeeds, then you will understand my thinking. My mom and dad gave us a good home, made good living, they was involed in our lives, but my brothers as my dad calls them are "stumps". Since im the only one doing something with my life, I refuse to have my kids displayed in this negative light. I know that this might be wishy washy, but who know's as Im told, we have bad blood. I didn't believe it at first but it happens a lot where I live at. If you have 3 kids it seems like 2 of them will be stumps. That's in my family and friends. Im very superstitions(sp?)
I can in a way understand where you come from. Sometimes when I go to my original neighborhood and see where I grew up...it's just a huge embarrassment. But I will NEVER! Be ashamed of who I am, or what my culture represents. I believe that every person should be proud of their heritage, not full of themselves off of it. I don't see what anything you have to say applies to your child being Japanese. I guess I just don't get why...why Japan? It doesn't make sense to me. As others were saying, the likeliness of you being able to adopt a child in Japan is low. If you really want a child to grow up with the 'Japanese Culture' then you either become a Japanese citizen and live there, or you don't adopt one at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kal3ido (Post 364263)
Let's take BET for starters. What do you see? If a kid grows up and believes this is my culture I need to act this way or do this or wear this. Media does play an active view in children lives. All I can do is install in my child good values. I know I can not be with the child 24/7 and be like this is wrong, dont give into peer pressure and things like that. I think if a child feels that it's apart of another culture that has good values, maybe it will become different and a well respected person and want to know more about it.
I take great offense to this. If your child, should it be african american, grows up thinking that BET is everything it's culture is about then that is the fault of the parent. Why is it that you have to live in the 'perfect home with the white picket fence' in order to have good values instilled? I grew up in one of the worst suburbs outside of chicago and the South side of chicago. Not once have I stolen, gotten into a fight, been suspended/expelled, been in any unlawful activity. I graduated the valedictorian of my 8th grade class, and the top 50% of my senior high school class. I am a German/Marine Biology double major with a minor in Chinese and a 3.2 GPA. And NO we did not have that picket fence. My parents worked their asses off, and are still doing so, to give me good opportunities AND values and THAT is why I am where I am today. Do not blame it on the media. It essentially the parenting that plays the main role in a child coming into their identity. There is nothing wrong with the values of my parents/grandparents/etc. Do NOT imply that it is African Americans who have bad values as things like that do not discriminate along racial lines. In other words it exists in ALL races, including the Japanese.

Kal3ido 01-20-2008 07:48 PM
Im not implying that evey single African American has bad values. And other race's don't have any either. I lived in a couple different places in NYC and(going of my personal experiences) 80% of the black kids have bad values or none at all. They limit them selves to what they see on tv and what goes on around them. Since everyone is so intent on giving there opinions. So your parents instilled good values into you, what about my parents? They installed good ones into us, but out of the three, Im the only one succeeding. Im not saying because I didnt have a picket fence, that it means my parents did not install go values into us. Yes! I have been in trouble with the law, was never in that top 50% of my class and I even been suspended from school on accounts. I never stole, or been disrespectable though. Believe me, I worked hard to get to where I am at now. I rose above what everyone thought I would be, which is pretty much nothing. I always been told it takes a village to raise a child. If that's the case, then if I live in a negative enviroment almost all my life, your thinking might also turn to these negative way's. I never had anyone else, but my mom to encourage me to do better and push me forward. Believe you me, I have seen rock bottom and that's where most of my African American friends are. They either have babies and are not trying to do anything with themselves or their dead. It's not impossiable to rise up against the odds and do better, im a prime example and so are many others. Maybe I'll record my daily life and put it on you tube or something. This would also make a great debate for my club, lol

kunitokotachi 01-20-2008 08:30 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kal3ido (Post 357255)
I plan on either adopting an Japanese child or going to an sprem bank. Since Im going to be the only parent and my hertiage is African American, I wonder how I would go about teaching the child about it's other half. I want both cultures to be in there lives and I admire the way Japanese parents raise there children. There values are much better in Japan then they are in the States.
What exactly do you mean the the values in Japan are better than they are in the States? I think it is a common misconception for people to believe that bowing ones head occassionally and using 尊敬語 (honorific speech) equates to a more formal and polite culture. This is not necessarily the case; it is just a cultural difference. In order for you to fully understand Japanese culture you will have to immerse yourself for many years; even then you may not fully understand it. This isn't something one can understand by reading a book or watching a video. If your child will be half then there are a lot of issue that child is going to go through from early childhood ages through their adolescent stage. I would know because I'm half Japanese and Black. I'm not trying to be mean but I don't think you will be able to effectively teach that child about its other half. You could always try and enroll the child in a Japanese school at some point but that would be cruel if the child is already Americanized. Anyway Japan dates back to approximately 8000 B.C. so there is a lot of culture and history to learn.

kunitokotachi 01-20-2008 08:48 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kal3ido (Post 364573)
Im not implying that evey single African American has bad values. And other race's don't have any either. I lived in a couple different places in NYC and(going of my personal experiences) 80% of the black kids have bad values or none at all. They limit them selves to what they see on tv and what goes on around them.
There are also a lot of Japanese that also limit themselves to what they see on tv and around them. In fact, the hiphop culture is something that reaches the Japanese and seems to make them stupid as well. I was an an "event" (some place where amateur music artists perform) at this bar in Nara prefecture and I met this group of Japanese guys. When I first saw these guys I thought that they were hard-core Crips (Predominantly Black gang that wears blue clothing but also now includes many other Crip gangs with other nationalities including Japanese Americans) They had blue from there shoes all the way up to their head. They even had on blue LA Dodgers hats and wearing even wearing the Locs sunglasses. Some had blue bandannas around their head and some had it around their necks like gangbangers. I went to ask them in English if they were from Los Angeles and they couldn't understand what I was saying. So, I began talking to them in Japanese. They didn't end up being from America but they sure knew a lot about hiphop and their hero was Snoop Dogg. I remember they kept saying muther fucker this and that all night long. The most shocking part was when one of them got pissed off at their girlfriend and said "BITCH!!!" right before he slapped the hell out of her. I was astonished.

Retrogamer77 01-20-2008 09:23 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kal3ido (Post 364573)
Im not implying that evey single African American has bad values. And other race's don't have any either. I lived in a couple different places in NYC and(going of my personal experiences) 80% of the black kids have bad values or none at all. They limit them selves to what they see on tv and what goes on around them. Since everyone is so intent on giving there opinions. So your parents instilled good values into you, what about my parents? They installed good ones into us, but out of the three, Im the only one succeeding. Im not saying because I didnt have a picket fence, that it means my parents did not install go values into us. Yes! I have been in trouble with the law, was never in that top 50% of my class and I even been suspended from school on accounts. I never stole, or been disrespectable though. Believe me, I worked hard to get to where I am at now. I rose above what everyone thought I would be, which is pretty much nothing. I always been told it takes a village to raise a child. If that's the case, then if I live in a negative enviroment almost all my life, your thinking might also turn to these negative way's. I never had anyone else, but my mom to encourage me to do better and push me forward. Believe you me, I have seen rock bottom and that's where most of my African American friends are. They either have babies and are not trying to do anything with themselves or their dead. It's not impossiable to rise up against the odds and do better, im a prime example and so are many others. Maybe I'll record my daily life and put it on you tube or something. This would also make a great debate for my club, lol
You can't even say that 80% of African Americans in NYC have bad values and you sure as hell can't blame it on the media. People limiting themselves to what they see on t.v., again, is something that happens in every race. I feel sorry that you let what you 'percieve' the majority of the African American culture stands for roll over in your decisions for having a child. It makes me sad. A lot of people have seen rock bottom and they know that they'll probably stay there, but they deal with it the best they can. Black, White, Hispanic, European, Asian, African, it doesn't matter dammit. You instill in your child what you think is right. And what the hell says that if you raise your child 'Japanese' that it won't turn out to be a delinquent. You. Don't. Know. Don't use 'culture' as an excuse for wanting to live through your child. There is a difference in wanting your child to have a better life than you had and wanting your child to live the life you didn't have. Do not try to live your life through your child. And yes we are giving our opinions, you asked for them.

But, the fact of the matter is that you probably won't be able to adopt a Japanese child because, as many others have already said:

-They don't NEED to be adopted in dire way that children in other countries do.
-You are American. Priority will go to Japanese parents
-You are planning to be a single parent. (Should you still decide that) Before you start talking about adoption, you should know that in ANY country they are wary about giving children to single parents. Why rob a child the chance of having a mother and a father just because, in your case, you want 'a child whose culture has good values...'
-You are black. Yes, I'm sure technically this should have no influence on anything because people aren't supposed to be racist and blah blah blah. In reality, I believe it will have somewhat of an influence on whether or not they would decide to hand you a child.

Point blank: You need to rethink this.

jpdrag0n 01-21-2008 02:24 PM
honestly the OP is starting to piss me off. ill tell you honestly what i think. i think the biggest hurdle you will face is that youre black. youre already at a disadvantage trying to adopt an asian child.

please adopt an american child who is in need. youre american anyway...

Nyororin 01-21-2008 03:35 PM
I was out there living life, and taking care of my own child, so I didn`t get a chance to reply as things progressed. I think most of the issues have been covered, but I feel a need to reply to this. Probably because I`m most likely one of the only, if not only, posters in this topic who REALLY has children.
There were several points which irritated the crap out of me, and I am going to give my opinion on them. As a MOTHER, and as an actual developmental specialist, not just a random someone.

Quote:
Anyways Im already finacially stable, so why not have kids?
Quote:
But for the other things. Im almost done with college, I have a great paying job, and numerous other income. Im into the stock market, I own property, I take pictures, Im joint-ownership with a club and Im a landlord. I think it do not get any better then this. I gross about $50, 000 a year of that alone and that's with an A.S degree.
Congratulations! You win at life!

Seriously - great for you... But if you consider this a central prerequisite for having a child, you really have your values mixed up. You say you`re financially stable, making $50,000/year - but are not yet out of college. Wow... But not really. Let`s think this out. Financially stable? At 19? Before graduating? Making money from one of the most unstable careers? (Club owner, landlord)

You`re 19. How many years has that life been going on? One? Two? If that. I doubt you were making $50,000/year before you were 18. You can`t say "stable" without it lasting 5 years. At least. Unless you were magically making $50,000/year at 14, you failed. That`s not stability. That`s "making a lot of money in a short time" and nothing more. Having the ability to pay for a child doesn`t mean a THING. Sure, it`s nice. Sure, it simplifies things. But it isn`t going to make you into mother of the year. Life doesn`t work that way. Even if that income is stable, and guaranteed for the rest of your productive life - you show so little stability in other areas that you simply SHOULD NOT HAVE A CHILD until you fix that.
You do not appear to have the emotional stability to care for a child. You may think you do, but if you did - do you really think everyone here would be pointing out problems?

And now to move on;

Quote:
First time I ever heard I need counselling because I dont think my culture all that great.
I actually wasn`t saying you needed counseling because you didn`t like your culture. You know what? I really don`t like American culture in general. I certainly don`t think disliking your home culture is a reason to get counseling.
The reason I think you need counseling is your response to that. Thinking that having a child, preferably born in a different culture, is going to provide a solution to that. That the genetic make up of a child is going to change YOUR life. That`s not a child. That`s a proxy, and making one out of a child is a recognized mental illness. Do I think you`re at that stage? No, but you`re setting yourself up to make some really unfortunate choices.

Quote:
I just think they have better priorties, then most races. I dont think you can infuse something into you that your not apart of, yes you can learn, but never become apart of.
Priorities come from personal experience - the culture you were raised in, the style you were raised in, and your own independent experiences. Priorities are NOT genetic. You`re right in saying they`re learned. They ARE. This means that ALL the priorities are learned. No one is naturally "a part" of something. It`s ALL learned behavior. All of it.

Quote:
I think if a child feels that it's apart of another culture that has good values, maybe it will become different and a well respected person and want to know more about it.
Or that can backfire. You`ll be expecting something from your child that they never learned. It`s not in their blood. What they WILL learn from you is that you think you are inferior. You think your blood is inferior. That you think those around you are inferior. That is NOT the way to raise a well adjusted child. If you`re their mother, they will think that way too. Not only does their mother - who to a child is equivalent to god - think she comes from "bad blood".... The child doesn`t even have that. Mother trumps child, so the child is even LOWER than the mother.

Quote:
Peer pressure was never an issuse for me, I dont follow the crowd.
But we`re not talking about you. A child will not be a little clone with genetically instilled values. What`s to say they won`t put peers before their insecure, self-loathing mother?

Quote:
But to me having a baby is self fullfilling and I believe it's time to take that next step.
You`re wrong. This sentence makes me shake my head, in real life. What are you fulfilling? A child never makes things simpler. A child never makes life easier. A child never reduces problems. Never. You want something that will never be, and the one who will suffer the most is the unsuspecting child.

Quote:
But lets put the nationlity of the baby aside, we all do respect, all I want to know now is how can I infuse the good values of the Japanese culture into my own? One response was I'll have to live in Japan, any others if there are, any other way's I would like to hear them.
What are these "Japanese values" that you find so appealing? If you find them so important, and so incredibly valuable, then I would assume that you yourself would want to follow them. If you are not, then there is the problem. A child learns from their parents first. If YOU are following those values, and they are the values which you run your home around, they will be passed on to your child. If you can`t even follow the values you think are so great, then NO amount of effort in other directions are going to make them stick with your child.

Quote:
So your parents instilled good values into you, what about my parents? They installed good ones into us, but out of the three, Im the only one succeeding.
Then they messed up somewhere along the line. Maybe it wasn`t something they did, but something they didn`t do. Maybe it was the way they responded to something. But in the end, it comes down to there being some kind of problem. You say you don`t even want to be around them. That doesn`t make them sound like the greatest parents. They obviously did something that you feel is bad enough to space yourself away from them. But yet, as you like to tell everyone, you overcame all of this and succeeded.

Quote:
I rose above what everyone thought I would be, which is pretty much nothing.
If this "everyone" includes your parents and relatives, then there is the answer to what they did wrong.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

And now, to move on to the most important thing I have to say. Even if you read nothing else that I have written, read this part.

What do you plan to do if your child doesn`t turn out the way you expected? I don`t mean in it`s teen years, or as an adult. I mean this in a much more short term sort of way. What are you going to do if the child you adopt turns out to have been given up for a *reason*... Such as the mother doing drugs during pregnancy, or the child having had an accident at birth... Something which leaves the child with some sort of damage. What are you going to do if the perfect little half-Japanese baby you make with donated sperm ends up being born with a major birth defect? Or ends up having a genetic disorder from the *father`s* side?

What are you going to do then? What if all of this puts your child at a more obvious genetic disadvantage?

My son is half Japanese. That didn`t stop him from having a stroke while I was pregnant. A stroke which prompted the doctors to extract him from me before he even weighed a pound... It didn`t stop him from having countless medical problems, an expected adult height of 4'6", an expected adult intelligence in the vicinity of a normal 12 year old.

Nope. Being half Japanese didn`t help a bit. Still, I sit here, living in Japan, with a Japanese husband, enveloped in the values you seem to think are just great.... and my child is likely incapable of ever being "a part" of them. I sit here with a genetically half-Japanese child who can`t even so much as say "mama" at 3.

Can you honestly say that you wouldn`t care? That you would be able to cope with not only having a child that wasn`t within your expectations - but that was completely incapable of ever fitting within them?

You want a child to fulfill your dreams and your wishes. What if the child you have is completely incapable of fulfilling any of them? And don`t think it can`t happen to you. Don`t think you`re somehow exempt. I was 23 when I got pregnant, in perfect health, never did drugs, never smoked, never drank, did everything PERFECTLY - plus I had the thing you see as a great bonus - Japanese genetics on my side! Whole lot of good it did.
Even if you manage to adopt, particularly from Japan... Good parents with great values don`t give their kids up. If they die, their great families take the kids in based on their strong values. The kids up for adoption are there because their parents couldn`t take care of them. Because their parents were too immature, too selfish, abusive, or felt they couldn`t provide the specialized care the child needed if a disability was involved. You`re not looking at the pick of the crop when it comes to genetic background.

You honestly have no idea how selfish you are. If your baby turns out to be "defective" you can`t just give it back.

Retrogamer77 01-21-2008 04:23 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nyororin (Post 365944)
I was out there living life, and taking care of my own child, so I didn`t get a chance to reply as things progressed. I think most of the issues have been covered, but I feel a need to reply to this. Probably because I`m most likely one of the only, if not only, posters in this topic who REALLY has children.
There were several points which irritated the crap out of me, and I am going to give my opinion on them. As a MOTHER, and as an actual developmental specialist, not just a random someone.




Congratulations! You win at life!

Seriously - great for you... But if you consider this a central prerequisite for having a child, you really have your values mixed up. You say you`re financially stable, making $50,000/year - but are not yet out of college. Wow... But not really. Let`s think this out. Financially stable? At 19? Before graduating? Making money from one of the most unstable careers? (Club owner, landlord)

You`re 19. How many years has that life been going on? One? Two? If that. I doubt you were making $50,000/year before you were 18. You can`t say "stable" without it lasting 5 years. At least. Unless you were magically making $50,000/year at 14, you failed. That`s not stability. That`s "making a lot of money in a short time" and nothing more. Having the ability to pay for a child doesn`t mean a THING. Sure, it`s nice. Sure, it simplifies things. But it isn`t going to make you into mother of the year. Life doesn`t work that way. Even if that income is stable, and guaranteed for the rest of your productive life - you show so little stability in other areas that you simply SHOULD NOT HAVE A CHILD until you fix that.
You do not appear to have the emotional stability to care for a child. You may think you do, but if you did - do you really think everyone here would be pointing out problems?

And now to move on;



I actually wasn`t saying you needed counseling because you didn`t like your culture. You know what? I really don`t like American culture in general. I certainly don`t think disliking your home culture is a reason to get counseling.
The reason I think you need counseling is your response to that. Thinking that having a child, preferably born in a different culture, is going to provide a solution to that. That the genetic make up of a child is going to change YOUR life. That`s not a child. That`s a proxy, and making one out of a child is a recognized mental illness. Do I think you`re at that stage? No, but you`re setting yourself up to make some really unfortunate choices.



Priorities come from personal experience - the culture you were raised in, the style you were raised in, and your own independent experiences. Priorities are NOT genetic. You`re right in saying they`re learned. They ARE. This means that ALL the priorities are learned. No one is naturally "a part" of something. It`s ALL learned behavior. All of it.



Or that can backfire. You`ll be expecting something from your child that they never learned. It`s not in their blood. What they WILL learn from you is that you think you are inferior. You think your blood is inferior. That you think those around you are inferior. That is NOT the way to raise a well adjusted child. If you`re their mother, they will think that way too. Not only does their mother - who to a child is equivalent to god - think she comes from "bad blood".... The child doesn`t even have that. Mother trumps child, so the child is even LOWER than the mother.



But we`re not talking about you. A child will not be a little clone with genetically instilled values. What`s to say they won`t put peers before their insecure, self-loathing mother?



You`re wrong. This sentence makes me shake my head, in real life. What are you fulfilling? A child never makes things simpler. A child never makes life easier. A child never reduces problems. Never. You want something that will never be, and the one who will suffer the most is the unsuspecting child.



What are these "Japanese values" that you find so appealing? If you find them so important, and so incredibly valuable, then I would assume that you yourself would want to follow them. If you are not, then there is the problem. A child learns from their parents first. If YOU are following those values, and they are the values which you run your home around, they will be passed on to your child. If you can`t even follow the values you think are so great, then NO amount of effort in other directions are going to make them stick with your child.



Then they messed up somewhere along the line. Maybe it wasn`t something they did, but something they didn`t do. Maybe it was the way they responded to something. But in the end, it comes down to there being some kind of problem. You say you don`t even want to be around them. That doesn`t make them sound like the greatest parents. They obviously did something that you feel is bad enough to space yourself away from them. But yet, as you like to tell everyone, you overcame all of this and succeeded.



If this "everyone" includes your parents and relatives, then there is the answer to what they did wrong.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

And now, to move on to the most important thing I have to say. Even if you read nothing else that I have written, read this part.

What do you plan to do if your child doesn`t turn out the way you expected? I don`t mean in it`s teen years, or as an adult. I mean this in a much more short term sort of way. What are you going to do if the child you adopt turns out to have been given up for a *reason*... Such as the mother doing drugs during pregnancy, or the child having had an accident at birth... Something which leaves the child with some sort of damage. What are you going to do if the perfect little half-Japanese baby you make with donated sperm ends up being born with a major birth defect? Or ends up having a genetic disorder from the *father`s* side?

What are you going to do then? What if all of this puts your child at a more obvious genetic disadvantage?

My son is half Japanese. That didn`t stop him from having a stroke while I was pregnant. A stroke which prompted the doctors to extract him from me before he even weighed a pound... It didn`t stop him from having countless medical problems, an expected adult height of 4'6", an expected adult intelligence in the vicinity of a normal 12 year old.

Nope. Being half Japanese didn`t help a bit. Still, I sit here, living in Japan, with a Japanese husband, enveloped in the values you seem to think are just great.... and my child is likely incapable of ever being "a part" of them. I sit here with a genetically half-Japanese child who can`t even so much as say "mama" at 3.

Can you honestly say that you wouldn`t care? That you would be able to cope with not only having a child that wasn`t within your expectations - but that was completely incapable of ever fitting within them?

You want a child to fulfill your dreams and your wishes. What if the child you have is completely incapable of fulfilling any of them? And don`t think it can`t happen to you. Don`t think you`re somehow exempt. I was 23 when I got pregnant, in perfect health, never did drugs, never smoked, never drank, did everything PERFECTLY - plus I had the thing you see as a great bonus - Japanese genetics on my side! Whole lot of good it did.
Even if you manage to adopt, particularly from Japan... Good parents with great values don`t give their kids up. If they die, their great families take the kids in based on their strong values. The kids up for adoption are there because their parents couldn`t take care of them. Because their parents were too immature, too selfish, abusive, or felt they couldn`t provide the specialized care the child needed if a disability was involved. You`re not looking at the pick of the crop when it comes to genetic background.

You honestly have no idea how selfish you are. If your baby turns out to be "defective" you can`t just give it back.
:pinkclap: :pinkclap: :pinkclap: :pinkclap: :pinkclap: :pinkclap: :pinkclap:

Eveilaje 01-21-2008 04:45 PM
Exotism...

Nyororin 01-21-2008 05:03 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Retrogamer77 (Post 365971)
:pinkclap: :pinkclap: :pinkclap: :pinkclap: :pinkclap: :pinkclap: :pinkclap:
*takes a bow*

SSJup81 01-21-2008 05:15 PM
If the OP doesn't read the other posts here, I really do hope she reads Nyororin's post. She pretty much hit the nail on the head, and summed up what most of us has been saying for the past few pages quite nicely.

That aside, I'm sorry about your child having to go through such a tough time, Nyororin, but at least this child will grow up in a nice home, since you're showing so much love and such with him. What surprised me was when you said the baby had a stroke while being carried. What exactly caused that, if it's okay to ask. I've never heard of anything like that happening before.

Nyororin 01-21-2008 05:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SSJup81 (Post 366123)
If the OP doesn't read the other posts here, I really do hope she reads Nyororin's post. She pretty much hit the nail on the head, and summed up what most of us has been saying for the past few pages quite nicely.
Thank you.

Quote:
That aside, I'm sorry about your child having to go through such a tough time, Nyororin, but at least this child will grow up in a nice home, since you're showing so much love and such with him. What surprised me was when you said the baby had a stroke while being carried. What exactly caused that, if it's okay to ask. I've never heard of anything like that happening before.
I`d love to know. It was a completely random event. It seems that my placenta failed, cutting off most of the circulation to the baby. Oxygen was apparently given priority, but waste was carried out and nutrition wasn`t carried in. The waste built up in the blood, and eventually caused clots which reached the brain. Without nutrition, the baby grew weak and stopped growing. We know what happened in the end, but have no idea why. We also don`t know if it will happen again. There was no warning, and no health issues to trigger it. It just happened. Life is unpredictable...

But my son is alive, and happy.

Retrogamer77 01-21-2008 05:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nyororin (Post 366072)
*takes a bow*
I wish I could have summed it up the way you did. Unfortunately I do not have your experience to have been able to explain it to her.

jpdrag0n 01-21-2008 05:35 PM
I hope the OP takes Nyororin's advice. But having such flawed logic, I'm very doubtful.

Also to Nyororin, I also hope your son succeeds in whatever he sets his mind to.

NightChilde25 01-21-2008 06:11 PM
I honestly don't see your reasoning here. O.0 When people talk about breeding out undesirable traits, they usually mean things like illnesses or genetic defects not personality traits like laziness or dishonesty. This is a child you are talking about, not some designer breed dog. *shakes head* I have to agree with MMM. No matter what race child you adopt, that child is still going to be American and absorb not only the American culture but your African American culture as well. The baby won't magically have the Japanese culture. You aren't born with culture, it's taught. The only way that baby is going to have the Japanese culture is if you were to raise him/her in Japan.

I'm not trying to be mean. I just feel you will be robbing this child of it's culture, even if you try not too as well as short-changing not only your own race, but all others. Why not just adopt the child in the most need, be it Japanese, Black, White, what-ever? You can't just snatch a child away from it's country then expect them to go back and live a couple of years away from you, just because you want them to learn about their culture. It should be the child's decision, when he/she gets old enough to make that decision, not yours. Being alone in an unfamillar country when you don't know the language is hard on an adult. Imagine how terrified a child would be? I know you have a friend there, but the child won't know anyone else. When children are frightened they want their mother and you won't even be in the same country. How fair is that to a child? Trying to live through your children never turns out well. That child will be his/her own person and have his/her own goals and dreams. If you try to force them into something just because you can't do it...it's just wrong.

I know you say you are not ashamed of being African American, but it sure comes across that way. Everyone has issues with their race. You have problems in all races, Japanese included. You seem to have such a low opinion of your race. I think you need to come to terms with this before you consider raising a child. You can't say that 80% of the African Americans in NYC have bad values. I'm not even African American and I'm offended. I know it may seem that way in your area but the majority of the African Americans I know are very successful and pillars of their communities. I agree with Retrogamer77. The parent instills the values in a child, not the race, not the blood (which I'm sorry, I've never heard of that before), or the culture of the country of birth. Even then, you can do your best, be the best role model there is, the strictest parent, and shelter your kid from all media and they can still turn out to be, as you put it, "stumps." That's true for any race or nationality. If your child limits themselves to what they see on tv then that's your fault as a parent. The city or environment shouldn't matter as far as values go. The days of a village raising a child are over. Everyone has to take responsibility for their own children.

You have to set up values for your children and be a big enough influence on their life to counteract any negative media images. I know you say that this child isn't an accessory for you, yet you admit that the Japanese culture is a draw. If it's such a draw for you, why don't you go live there for a while before you try to adopt or better yet, just live there period after the adoption? If you're dead set on this, that would be the best way to ensure the child absorbed the culture. You can always study the culture and introduce a new aspect of the culture every week, if you have too, but personally I still think you need to rethink this.

SSJup81 01-23-2008 05:11 AM
I have a question about raising a kid in Japan for those of you who can answer. The question just popped into mind and I really didn't want to start a new topic for it.

If you're a foreigner and you bring your child with you, who isn't Japanese in any way, because you got a job at say a company in the country, where would you send your child school wise? The child isn't Japanese, so a typical regular school probably wouldn't work since the child would have to have a good grasping of the language, and let's say he/she is still learning it. Do all foreign kids end up going to a place like ASIJ?

xYinniex 01-26-2008 08:31 PM
well, it depends on how much money you have really. and what age your child is. the younger the child, the easier it is for him to grasp the language.

If it's middle school-high school age, you could consider international school but it would be incredibly costly. Or you could send your kid to a normal school and invest in a tutor and ask the school to give him supplementary lessons.

Most people opt for international school status, because i think international schools follow the IB.

Shouganai 02-08-2008 01:19 AM
Is anybody out there?
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kal3ido (Post 357255)
I admire the way Japanese parents raise there children. There values are much better in Japan then they are in the States.
Well what can I say, you had me at 'hello'.
You think Japanese values are superior? Hmmm... I can think of very few good ones. But even the positive manifestations of Japanese values like economic growth are based on flawed values. eg. Like self sacrifice for the state of the corporate hierarchy. I think you need to move beyond the facade, and apply some critical thinking to what you observe. Its not what it seems. You must come from one 'stuffed' family to think American values are 'generally' worse, and I'd suggest Japanese values are much more homogenous.

sugoiaisukurimudesu 03-16-2008 03:13 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kal3ido (Post 364328)
You can not understand what you do not know. Same goes for me and the Japanese culture, I need to be there to see first hand.
But as for the other things. A lot of people I know raise there kids right, and they still turn out bad, mines included. Family does play an EXTREMELY important part of there lives. But not all families as loving and have the white picket fance in front of there house. My family is not even close. I hate being around them. Again this has nothing to do with my self esteem and self image. Im talking about the African American people as a whole self image. Im not ashamed for me, but for the ones who act like the way people "think" we are. Even if I install 100% good values in him/her, does not mean they are going to listen. And this is where all the traits/genes/culture/herditary(sp?) falls in. I can do my best and not succeed and I can do my best and succeed. If I was giving up, I would not be sitting her on my phone debating with you. It's not just my culture or way of life. Everyone is affected. What about Linsey Lohan, Karine Steffans, Irv Gotti, Snoop Dog, 50 cent, Brittany Spears and Paris Hilton? Im sure there parents installed some good values into them as well. Everyone is not the Beyonce's or the 50 cents. Actually I have a lot of pride in being black, I just hate the negative image some have of us. I'am certainly going to show my child the wonderful people of the African American culture. But it's a shame when I ask black kids about black inventors, or hero's and they can only tell me Dr. King. You can only teach your kids so much, believe me, my mother done told me some things when I was younger and they have went in one ear and out the other. I think that everyone should be more open and not self-centerd. That's why I want a baby of mix heratige. To experiance things that was limited to me. And to understand how humanity should be. Most of my friends are not even interested in other races, unlike myself or dont even have one diverse friend. Normally to me, friends try and brain wash you, even if you dont want to do it. Most kids will to feel accepted by their peers. Why are so many pre-teens having sex and having babies? Because this is there common answear. "My friends are doing it, so Im doing it not to be left out." I did a paper on this last year. I even took a survery of my college. I hate cliques and I hate the norm. Just because I want a African American and Japanese baby make me wrong. Because I feel that with this she/he will have the couarge to succeed. Maybe the good parts of both races will rub of on the child. I will do my best as the parent, but it really depends on the child. Only thing I can do is try not to make the same mistake's my friends that are young mothers and my parents.
You sound very idealistic. In a perfect world, having a multicultural kid would be a good peaceful statement, but in the real world, who is that child going to fit in with? He or she won't be quite black or quite asian either. Kids I knew in high school that were of mixed race couldn't be proud of either race without being a "wannabe". If you plan on "living through your children", you're going to be very disappointed. You're still young! You don't have to be Japanese to enjoy the Japanese culture. Move to Japan, enjoy yourself. You will soon realize that you your children don't live for you. You live for your children. Whether you accept that or not, they will be their own person someday and may crush your dreams for them. If you don't have dreams of your own and go after them yourself, you will regret for the rest of your life.

kokunin 03-25-2008 09:10 PM
man reading the first post, i realize, people crazy...i'm serious, this lady wants a japanese baby, just to say she got a japanese baby, a human is a human, right...sso what were you thinking babies were when you thought this up...if i may ask...

kokunin 03-25-2008 09:10 PM
humans are humans...as they grow, they make their own decisions...lol

okiron 07-13-2008 07:07 AM
Wow...I only read the first 2 pages of this freaking ignorance. I love how the OP justifies herself with "you people have been living under a rock! everyone's doing it!!!!" Well in that case, let's go bomb some churches and synagogues. If "everyone" is doing it, it must be ok! Yeah...I think my lawyer would use the insanity defense if I said something like that.

ThirdSight 08-08-2008 07:43 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kal3ido (Post 362654)
Personally your opinions are meaningless to me. Once I set of to do it, I am.
So you post on a forum for what reason?

Look, it's cool that you think how the Japanese raise their kids is cool, and I agree, American consumer-culture parenting could use a bit of a makeover. Still, parenting and culture are two seperate issues altogether. You can take any orphan kid, or adopt any race of kid and raise him/her like a Japanese parent would; nothing wrong there. But you raise a kid in a culture you're unfamiliar with, and you're messing with that kid's head so much he's going to be far more confused with his identity as he grows older, more so than most kids going through the same thing. That's just not fair.

I agree with a lot of people here, wanting a certain ethnical adoption is really screwed up. Got any plans on how you're going to explain to him/her as he/she gets older that he's/she's not only adopted, but initially wanted because you dig the culture he's/she's initially from? Culture is a part of someone's and society's lifetime, not part of their DNA.

AlwaysPEPSI 08-08-2008 08:21 PM
Well it's obvious that this woman wasn't ready for the blatant truth to hit her in the face, which is why she hasn't returned.

It's also obvious that she knows nothing about sociology, putting so much faith in biology allowing her theoretical Japanese child to be filled with Japanese culture at birth.

kouichisan 01-05-2009 02:10 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nyororin (Post 360832)
Let me just ask point blank - What, other than selfishness, is your reason for wanting a "Japanese" child?

If you want a biological child, then have a biological child. If you want to adopt and give a child a home, adopt a child in need.

Unless you are part Japanese, which you say you aren`t, there is no reason other than selfishness to pick and choose based on nationality.
I agree.

Kal3ido - You are not Japanese, so you would not be able to teach him/her the same values Japanese natives have. So the child may not grow up to be what you expect. If you are wanting a child, adopt. There are so many orphans that are very deserving of loving families all over the world.

Maybe you should give it more thought?.

Ameerah 01-18-2009 12:16 PM
This is one of the most ignorant post i've read in my life. Do people think children are toys? I don't know what kind of fantasy this person has, but she need to come back to reality.

I understand loving Japanese culture, but going to this extent? That's madness. You need to reconsider your plans.

To the comment about mixed race children. I'm mixed Nigerian/German and i'm proud of both races. It depends on how you are brought up and how much effort the parents are willing to put in. I want to adopt sometime in the future, and the child I get, no matter the race or culture, i'll make sure they know their heritage.

sdbri 02-22-2009 08:46 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kal3ido (Post 361352)
There's more reason to that then what im letting on. Ever since 5th grade when I found out my teacher adopted an asian child, I was intrigue. I asked her why and she told my why she did. So maybe going to the sperm bank is selfishness, but what about the gay people who do it? I am Bi, so that does not mean me and my boyfriend will stay togather forever. If I end up with a woman and I feel like I want to get married to her, then we want kids we will go to the sperm bank. Just because I want to add to my kids culture does not mean, im doing something wrong. If you feel that way, then pretty much everyone on this forum is wrong, everyone is basically here to learn or become more Japanese like.
There's nothing wrong with adopting a child who happens to be asian no matter who you are, but you're going to have to think it through more. It does sound like you're fixated on adopting an asian child and giving them a culture you aren't well familiar with. In addition to being a challenge, you may confuse the child if you do this for your own reasons rather than for the child's. But maybe you'll have thought this through long enough to do it right.

More alarming to some people is the possiblity or perception that your motivation is to fill a personal need. I'm not going to judge someone for that because it's a very common sentiment among humans. The concern is if this need is possibly unhealthy or would limit how you raise the child. Keep in mind your child is going to grow and grow, and is a lifetime job.

Being bi doesn't mean you can't stay married, that's either you or your boyfriend.

alanX 02-22-2009 09:36 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nyororin (Post 360832)
Let me just ask point blank - What, other than selfishness, is your reason for wanting a "Japanese" child?

If you want a biological child, then have a biological child. If you want to adopt and give a child a home, adopt a child in need.

Unless you are part Japanese, which you say you aren`t, there is no reason other than selfishness to pick and choose based on nationality.
Couldn't agree more. It's a bad, childish, and un-thought-out plan in general. Think of what the child will go through.

MMM 02-22-2009 09:38 PM
To Alan and Sdbri...

This is a good example of necroposting.

Keep in mind you are responding to someone who hasn't logged into this site in over a year.

ChibiSeme 02-25-2009 04:54 PM
Ah...
Well what about adopting in China? I think there are more children in need there? Not to be racists...

Also...adopting a Japanese child in Japan can be tricky and they may not allow you to do adopting...but I guess this is over with

Starairi 03-02-2009 06:33 PM
Wow, what a fairytale you have spun in your mind...

KitSeraphina 05-05-2009 03:57 PM
This is a very intersting post if I must say. I see your views Kal3ido, I was on your side for a few posts. But I do also agree with many others here. You are ingoring your birthright, africian american, because your culture has flaws. It does seem selfish of you because you want a specific child. But in the way you wish to raise the child you would most likely do more harm then good.
To me the is the wrong reasons to adopt and I'm sorry but I think your being selfish as well.
Here are your reasons for wanting this child.
-Asain"s normally be at the top of there class and how hard they study and also how they are raised( Sure alot are and yes its because they have disapline. But any child can be disaplined)
-Every parent pretty much lives through there children.( This sort of angered me, what kinda of good parent lives through thier child? To me it seemed wrong. Now it sounds as if you will force the culture onto them when they will be living as others said in america.Learn yourself it will be more fulfilling.)

Really I do understand your intentions espeacially when you said the bad outways the good. But thats the part of being in this world, you just have to help create more good, like teaching children good.
In my opinion why not have a child, whether adopt or a bank, and if you like the japanese culture so much why not raise 'your' child in that way. But don't suffocate its other origins. If you adopt a japanese child into america it will learn the american ways you don't want it to. American will be its heritage, by blood or not, the same as an american child going to japan.

Thats just my two cents though...sorry if my spelling is bad. And sorry I ment no harshness or disrespect. Just my thought ^.^

bELyVIS 05-05-2009 05:27 PM
A Japanese couple adopts a African (black, can be from any country but trying to be politically correct) baby and you get a black Japanese.

A black (again from any country) couple adopts a Japanese baby and you get an child who looks like a Japanese, but takes after the parent's home culture.

Point being is what most here have been saying, the baby will take on the culture of the parents. Even if the OP raises the child in Japan, the child will never truly be Japanese. This child is likely to be shunned there too because it won't fit in completely.
None of this matters because if Japan won't let me and my Japanese wife adopt a baby there, you don't have a chance either.
I have to agree with Ronin4hire (has Hell froze over?), you need counseling before you do any adopting.

dogsbody70 07-27-2010 02:25 PM
this conversation brings to my mind this famous wisdom from KAHLIL GIBRAN


"

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you, but not from you.
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may house their bodies, but not souls.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; for even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:07 AM.
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2
Show 40 post(s) from this thread on one page

Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.0.0 RC6