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-   -   How your prospective Japanese in-laws reacted after you proposed. (https://www.japanforum.com/forum/relationship-talk/18915-how-your-prospective-japanese-laws-reacted-after-you-proposed.html)

xceeding 09-07-2008 11:40 PM

How your prospective Japanese in-laws reacted after you proposed.
 
I realize most of our posters here on Japan Forum are single, so it will be interesting if anyone will reply to this post.

I'll go first and tell my story. Believe me, I'll be very interested to hear yours.

My wife is Japanese, born in Osaka. I'm a white American, born here in the U.S.

When I proposed to my wife, of course I was very concerned how her parents would react. I met her parents briefly during my first visit to Japan and was introduced at that time as a "friend." So years later when I proposed to my wife, to which she said, "yes," I imagined her parents were quite suprised.

My prospective mother-in-law, was very postitive. She told my fiancee at the time that she had a good impression of me and supported our decision to marry.

It was my prospective father-in-law that had a problem. Let me emphasize the reaction was never based upon race or nationality. He also said that he liked me personally. It appeared the only objection was that his daughter would live so very far away from him after she would marry me. He didn't try to stop or discourage the engagement, but only became very distraught. He had difficulty sleeping and had even been seen by prospective mother-in-law to be weeping after having a discussion about it.

To make a long story short. We did eventually marry. We visited every year after we married. My Japanese father-in-law even had a chance to see his six-month-old "American born" grandson a month before my father-in-law passed away from cancer.

So for those of you westerners that have married a Japanese lady or man, tell your story. What was the reaction of your Japanese in-laws to be?

BakaCrisis 09-08-2008 12:12 AM

Well, I can see why the father would be concerned. Imagine you give just about your life and time and dedication to someone for them to just run off with a foreigner that they just met as a "friend" its wonderful that you two are in love, but maybe you could have asked her father for his daughters hand in marriage, even if he declined, she would still say yes but at least he would know without getting hit with that type of change in plans from his daughter.

yuujirou 09-08-2008 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BakaCrisis (Post 578536)
Well, I can see why the father would be concerned. Imagine you give just about your life and time and dedication to someone for them to just run off with a foreigner that they just met as a "friend" its wonderful that you two are in love, but maybe you could have asked her father for his daughters hand in marriage, even if he declined, she would still say yes but at least he would know without getting hit with that type of change in plans from his daughter.

馬鹿は本当馬鹿だな

xceeding 09-08-2008 12:39 AM

Can you reply in English? Sorry I can't read Japanese. I am very interested in your reply.

I had to wait for my wife to come home and have her translate for me your response. No, reply is necessary.

BakaCrisis 09-08-2008 12:44 AM

How am I a fool? If two people are in love what the hell does it matter what the father feels. Im just saying that his plans to marry his daughter could have went smoothly if he at least told the parents before doing so. Love is inseperable

yuujirou 09-08-2008 12:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xceeding (Post 578555)
Can you reply in English? Sorry I can't read Japanese. I am very interested in your reply.

you shouldn't be xD
i was just talking about baka crisis, lol
haha


well, i'm glad to hear that your marriage went well and hope that your wife's parents or atleast her father isn't taking it too hard.
sorry to hear about your own dad though >.>'

i'm chinese and currently i'm dating a german girl
and i personally hope to marry her someday ^^'

MMM 09-08-2008 12:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BakaCrisis (Post 578560)
How am I a fool? If two people are in love what the hell does it matter what the father feels. Im just saying that his plans to marry his daughter could have went smoothly if he at least told the parents before doing so. Love is inseperable

That's a very romanticized look at the world. I large amount of Japanese women will not marry someone their parents can't agree to. Marriage is more than just two people being in love. It's two families joining each other.

I don't think anything went wrong with his story...are you reading it right?

yuujirou 09-08-2008 12:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MMM (Post 578566)
That's a very romanticized look at the world. I large amount of Japanese women will not marry someone their parents can't agree to. Marriage is more than just two people being in love. It's two families joining each other.

I don't think anything went wrong with his story...are you reading it right?

Quote:

Originally Posted by yuujirou (Post 578554)
馬鹿は本当馬鹿だな

>.<''''''''''''''''

Nyororin 09-08-2008 05:44 AM

My story is so different from yours that I doubt I can be of much help...
When my husband and I decided to marry, we went to announce our plans to his parents - fully prepared to lower our heads and beg for their blessings.
They shocked us by responding to our "We have something important we`d like to discuss" with a flippant "Oh, we figured that was what you meant."
There was never any surprise or opposition, and my husband`s mother was quite pleased that he`d found someone on his own. She`d expected to have to go the arranged marriage route because he is so... strange. :P

There have never been any problems - unless you count that mother-in-law didn`t want to let her friends know we were married until we had a ceremony in order to maintain family image. (Which has nothing to do with nationality/race)

Major differences in my case though - I speak fluent Japanese, and we chose to live in Japan not elsewhere.

yuujirou 09-08-2008 07:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nyororin (Post 578736)
My story is so different from yours that I doubt I can be of much help...
When my husband and I decided to marry, we went to announce our plans to his parents - fully prepared to lower our heads and beg for their blessings.
They shocked us by responding to our "We have something important we`d like to discuss" with a flippant "Oh, we figured that was what you meant."
There was never any surprise or opposition, and my husband`s mother was quite pleased that he`d found someone on his own. She`d expected to have to go the arranged marriage route because he is so... strange. :P

There have never been any problems - unless you count that mother-in-law didn`t want to let her friends know we were married until we had a ceremony in order to maintain family image. (Which has nothing to do with nationality/race)

Major differences in my case though - I speak fluent Japanese, and we chose to live in Japan not elsewhere.

It's always good to hear of marriages gone well ^_^

Though I don't think the original poster was looking for help as much as sharing personal experiences >.>'''

theAlphaDuck 09-08-2008 09:33 AM

yea it's the Family honour thing i'm worried about....

xceeding 09-08-2008 04:27 PM

How so?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by theAlphaDuck (Post 578795)
yea it's the Family honour thing i'm worried about....

Could you be more specific? Who's "Family Honour" are you worried about? Your family? The Japanese family? Honour in reference to what?

xceeding 09-08-2008 05:38 PM

Interesting story!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Nyororin (Post 578736)
My story is so different from yours that I doubt I can be of much help...
She`d expected to have to go the arranged marriage route because he is so... strange. :P

There's not right or wrong answers in this thread. Just your original story. My first intent for this thread was for those telling their past experiences. But after reading a few posts I think it will "help" those contemplating an upcoming proposal to a love of their life.

Now why do you think your husband is so "strange?" I hope it isn't because he married you.;) (Just kidding!)

kenmei 09-08-2008 07:49 PM

well my story is a bit similar and a bit different as well... allbeit I'm not yet married, engaged however :ywave:

my fiance's parents are extremely nice people and not too traditional in terms of japanese culture regarding marriage and relationships. to let you come to terms in understanding this, her dad is a fairly successful businessman who owns his own business (used to be more than one), and is planning to retire soon. However, neither his eldest son nor his daughter (fiance) will be taking over his business, against traditional asian culture. He's letting both children do what they want, while supporting them the whole way. (Son is doing Horse Racing/Raising Horses and my gf is in the travel industry...neither high paying careers). My gf and I began to live together when we've only been dating for about 6 months. Not too off the wall for american society, but what I understand about Japanese, it is quite unusual for this to happen. Nonetheless, her father was very supportive of us and never objected. However, we didn't let them know right away about our living situation :mtongue:

They came out to the USA to visit us and some of the big citys here on the west coast about 6 months ago. Her dad booked everything, including the hotels, inwhich me and my gf had our own room with 1 bed (pretty rare again for un-married japanese culture). That was my first time meeting them, we had lots of fun, never once did I feel as if they did not approve of our relationship. I'm glad we got to meet at this time, because otherwise my first meeting with them would be a "hey nice to meet you, can i marry your daughter?" type of deal :eek: when I went to Japan.

So, I eventually mustered up the courage to propose to my gf here stateside, knowing that even though I proposed and she said yes, I still want their parents (her dad's) approval.

Fast forward a few months to our Japan vacation (1 month ago). When we went to Japan for our vacation, we both stayed at their house and slept in the same room/bed and everything (not too big of a surprise, after sleeping in the same hotel room with the gf and the parents next door). They are very welcoming people and wished for me to have a good time in Japan above anything. Her father once again booked vacations for us and hotels, in which the gf and I once again stayed in the same room, sharing the same bed next door to them and still still un-wed and without their knowing of us being engaged(kinda).

During this great vacation amidst another great vacation, I sat naked, next to her father in an Onsen...and figured there couldn't be a better "man to man" (LOL) situation where I could explain to him my feelings and how I wish to wed his daughter. Once again, mustering up the courrage I blurted out my intentions in my best Japanese. The funny thing here, he responded to me at first in english (he's not fluent or anything). Saying marriage is OK but to take your time. I was kind of confused at this point, I mean...he's not apposed to our marriage, yea? But take our time...eh? He went on to explain himself in Japanese, of which I understood maybe 75% of it ...Basically he's concerend about us rushing in to things, because of our ages (i'll be turning 24 and she is 21) and wants to see us (me in particular) become more stable in our careers and make sure I can fully support my future wife. (I have a decent job now, in line for a promotion and go to school full time during the nights. He's basically saying "wait untill you graduate"). I couldn't really disagree with him, I mean, I can wait, I have no problem with that...as long as we're together.

Which is where in lies the problem. The gf's visa status will only allow her to stay in the USA for one more year, which is partially why we both want to get married soon. Now don't get me wrong, I love her dearly, but I'd really love to be a bit more financially affluent. But, I can see both sides...and do want to get married with her. She can stay in the USA if she goes back to school as a full time student, and her dad told her he would continue to support her ($) for this. I'm not sure if you guys realize how much international students pay for fees and per unit, but it's in the range of $200/unit vs. our $20ish a unit at community college. This can easily run in the 2-4k a QUARTER range. This doesn't seem to be an option for my fiance, she would rather not have her dad support her so he can hurry and retire (he's already over the japanese retirement age, her parents had children in their 30's).

So thats my story, I'm here...with a year left to decide what to do. I have my future father in law's approval, but I do not have the time frame needed to become more stable in my finances. I'm not sure what happens, but I know that we're not going to be seperated :ywave: . My future mother in law is a doll, I love her a lot, she's very supportive and wants us to hurry up and make her a grandson/daughter :mtongue: I can't wait for that day to happen...I wish for my fiance's dad to be able to be a grandpa, because his health is deteriorating and he's turning 70. I know a lot of this may sound immature on my part, but I feel that our relationship is special and both of us are far more mature then our ages make us look. We've been exploring all our options but are 100% against in going behind their back, so who knows...maybe this time next year I'll be in Japan working as a salary man? :mtongue:

There's nothing more in this world I want right now then to start a family with my fiance and live a happy life. I hope you all can wish us luck :ywave:

Thats my story in a nutshell.

kenmei 09-08-2008 07:49 PM

jeeze i just realized I typed up an essay...my appaulogies

Nyororin 09-08-2008 11:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xceeding (Post 579057)
There's not right or wrong answers in this thread. Just your original story. My first intent for this thread was for those telling their past experiences. But after reading a few posts I think it will "help" those contemplating an upcoming proposal to a love of their life.

Thanks. I think I`m just far too accustomed to the countless threads wanting direct advice on something or another, and took this thread to be another one of them.

Quote:

Now why do you think your husband is so "strange?" I hope it isn't because he married you.;) (Just kidding!)
I`m not the one who thinks my husband is strange. I think he`s quite wonderful, which is why we`re married.
The "strange" bit is the opinion of his parents. The strong opinion of his mother, who was planning for an arranged marriage before he was even out of high school because a) They`re the family head and he is the eldest son - therefore needs to be married... and b) She could see no chance of anyone independently choosing to marry him.

I can`t tell you how many people were outright shocked that he was getting married at all.

Burundo 10-13-2012 09:27 PM

I was originally going to post this in a new thread, but thought I'd do it here instead. This is not about me, but actually about a good friend of mine who like me is white and was born in America, and his wife of three years who is Japanese, from what they told me in an e-mail.

I haven't gotten the chance to meet her parents because I have never been to Japan (though I am planning on it in the future), but from what I have been told, they are really nice and my friend has come to look up to his father-in-law. As for the couple, they are very much in love and I'm beyond happy he's found everything he has wanted (when I say that, I mean they officially now have a baby on the way...even though they call their dogs their kids).

Anyway, he took her out to the first spot where they met and proposed to her there, she said yes, and then together they asked her parents for permission. They were both very excited and hugged the newly-engaged couple, but then later my friend said that the father started looking a bit down. They talked, and the father admitted he was afraid that their marriage would mean she would move far away to the States, but my friend reassured him that they both plan on living the rest of their lives in Japan. That made the father feel better, but then later he regretted what he had said, apologized to them both and said he would understand if they needed to go to America. He sounded pretty good about it. The mother was just incredibly happy.

JohnBraden 10-15-2012 08:56 AM

No one is reading this here, in this dead forum where only bots post....

Burundo 10-17-2012 02:37 AM

Oh....awkward....I just saw the date of the previous post before mine...sorry.


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