[Salvanas]

Well. Firstly, if this is what happened in your real life, and you just wrote about to let it off your chest, then what I say doesn't count.

However, if you want proper critique, then here it is.

The concept and the story is thought out, and it's a good idea. However, it's pretty obvious that english is not your mother language. The grammar and your description is not the best. But you get your point across, regardless. However, you'll need to work on your description, english and your grammar much more.

Apart from that, good work.