Originally Posted by manganimefan227
Edits in red
She made no movement, no acknowledgement to his presence; he was just another soldier LEARN this spelling! here to try and put her down even further but she didn't need it. she felt all of the torture she needed from seeing those twos' fates and lives crushed because she tried to be their angelic sanctuary in times of human operated plague and failed to even save herself.this sentence rather wordy and off-putting
He opened and closed the door. she simply stared noncaringly This is not a word. at the wall webs Wall webs? Walls made OUT of webbing? Be clear, with a strange look of curiosity how can she observe 'noncaringly' and at the same time show 'curiosity', as if she placed them as above the new person as he walked closer, When suddenly her senses came back at her sign of an existing Heaven and hope. This isn't a strong lead, what is it about this new character that gives her hope when she is already deliberately ignoring him?
A gun shot.
What she saw looking up, was hard to not mistake for a child, a scared child. This man, from a group of elites who people had to point their small beams of hope uponwhy pin your hopes on someone who's death you'd then celebrate?; who made people celebrate when they were about to leave this world; who got drunk and beat up women and killed them if they had a child to torture the child later on, was pointing his firearm, his weapon of potential mass-killing Last fragment here is awkward. . . .
At cockroaches and spiders. Ok, this is a good premise. I like the idea of this elite soldier in charge of a prison being scared of spiders, however, I don't think a person like that would waste bullets on them. Make it a little more believable- maybe he flinches away from them in disgust, or makes a point of crushing them whilst they're talking.
She watched blankly as he shot the critters while yelling "Die you disgusting demons!!"
'He is mad' she thought, the man really resembled a sissy-boy who hated bugs and just worried about them getting close and not whatever she did. 'resemble' is the wrong word here. He can resemble someone else she knows who acts like this, but he can't resemble his OWN actions, especially whilst he's still in the middle of doing it. It was her time, she knew he would do it; He was working too quick not to, she crawled up to him,No space before a comma at the speed of a turtleRemember what I said about cliche? Sit down and write down some adjectives: Cold, hot, light, dark, fast, slow etc and then write a way to describe each one that isn't something bleeding obvious. and fell a couple of times. When she finally got to him, she weakly reached her hands up, held the gun and, with shaky hands of joy, relief and a very tiny tinge of regret and fear, she pulled the trigger, Nothing happened. Ok, interesting, she tries to steal his gun and kill herself, what's he doing while she's doing this, after all, she's moving slowly; Why doesn't he try and stop her? How does he know she's not going to try and shoot him?
At this moment, for the first time in weekscommas not needed in this sentence she showed emotion. It was shock. The disbelief that she was still breathing, that there was no big cracking sound or bang, leading the soldier to have a fearing face to fear What did I say about redundancy? what his boss would do to him for letting one die. Interesting. So they can't let them die or they'll be punished? Then why push them right to the edge of survival? The way you put it, she's lucky to be alive still She slowly shook her head with a look of denial and made one last quick glance at the gun's fire end *TIP* if you're going to talk about technology, make sure you've looked up the proper terminology. Imagine someone saying "Big blue wet thing" instead of "sea". Sounds a bit daft, doesn't it? as if expecting a malfunction and then it's heroic blast making a burnt pepperoni hole in her head or chest, either way worked, but just as quickly, she realized she was stuck living once again, but to both of their amazement, instead of rezombifying this is not a word.
She broke.
She let it all go. All of those weeks of being a statue with no rest, all of the memories in line in her head, always trying to get reactions from her, the countless insults started crashing down, and even the rock-hard bread and swampy water getting to her head, although what she had while hiding wasn't much better. It all came down on her with the failed suicide as the breaker of the barrier that kept these things in check to keep her stable. She began to scream, bawl and make miserable attempts to scratch him.This is MUCH better phrasing All he did was quickly look around to make sure this hadn't become the Military's Nightly Soap Opera grab her wrists, kneel down on his knees and pulled her into a hug, patting her on the back, with a girly voice saying things such as "Yeah" and " I know how ya' feel baby!"no comma here despite how creepy it seemed, she didn't mind it. Some how she found it comforting and welcoming, but only for a minute or two, she then glared up at him and asked him a predictable question which became her first words in weeks.
"Who the hell are you?" she asked. This had to be some sort of set-up or trap, though she didn't care, she still didn't want to feel stupid in her death chamber. This guy wasn't going to deceive her, she assured herself.
"Why, I'm Tyra Banks' assistant! Much younger and cuter than Dr. PhilIs Dr. Phil Tyra Banks' assistant? If not, this is what is called a non sequitur; it doesn't follow the first part on properly and should be corrected. ne?" He asked. Admittedly he did look cute, a childish face with a happy look glued on, coca-cola brown hair, and ocean blue eyes, about his mid-20's . . . Wait, Why did she care about this all of a sudden?Why does she care? If the answer is "They're going to end up as a romantic couple", then you've just committed a major writing faux pas.
"Cut the crap" she said with a deadly serious face. "You're just another murdering bastard who's obviously beyond drunk trying to get something out of me," she said. Smiling, he raised his hands. This is better. Instead of "Bob did X with a BLAH-BLAH face," try and make more sentences like this, or "Bob BLAH-ED as he XYZ'd"
"You caught me," he said, "I just wanted to find out if your name is as cute as you are. My name's Miles." Note where the full stops and commas are in this section of dialogue. That is how they should be. The compliment this "Miles" had given her and the fact he was inches from her face made her blush, but it only took her fifteen seconds to loose it, and stand up.
"You think I'm going to tell a scum like you my-" She was cut off when her legs suddenly gave in and she fell, Miles fortunately caught her halfway. He had an amused smile on his face
"Thank you for demonstrating London Bridge to the class,hun" Miles said with a little chuckle. She punched him on the head. What? That's dumb. She was weak as anything a few seconds ago and having a nervous breakdown. She's flipped through more emotions in the last ten minutes than is believable. Pick one and stick with it. You can have a sudden emotional change, but not more than one.
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