Quote:
Originally Posted by YuriTokoro
Hi.
Koir, JumboP26 and dogsbody70, thank you!
This is the revision.
What do you think?
A Dream.
This was my dream this morning.
I was desperate for the bathroom in the dream. I seemed to be on a big ship or a huge vehicle, and was about to attend a meeting. I decided to visit the bathroom before the meeting starts when the floor shook violently. I stumbled back several steps, then saw many people coming down the hall. I pushed my way through the crowd with great effort. The ground kept shaking and I went backward again. I felt as though I were a tiny boat in a hurricane.
Next I saw a stairway in front of me. My destination seemed to be on the upper floor.
I crawled up the stairs because the floor kept shaking widely. The ship must have been in a huge typhoon. After tumbling down twice, I managed to reach the top step and reached out my hand. Except now it wasn't a step but a big vaulting box I had to clear.
Since the floor was shaking so much, I had to climb over the box. Behind it was the door and I rushed at it.
Finally I opened the door and woke up.
I felt really tired.
Thank you.
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I see much improvement and willingness to use different verb tenses and sentence structures to build an easily read story.
My revisions this time were mostly compound sentences that detail problems and solution (causes and effects).
"Since the floor was shaking so much (Cause/Problem), I had to climb over the box (Effect/Solution)".
The same sentence structure can be used to detail two events that happen after each other in a short time.
"I stumbled back several steps (Event 1), then saw many people coming down the hall (Event 2)."
Hope this is of some help, Yuri. I sincerely apologize if these revisions appear inconsistent with other advice given. They are only my opinions and thoughts.
