[ddubb]

chiuchimu - thanks old timer. Seems like you're the only one who kinda gets what I'm about and you're willing to help.

To everyone else - well I didn't come on here to be judged, lectured, misunderstood, etc. Nowhere in my post am I asking for relationship help or analysis of my habits or motives. I'm less concerned with defending myself than I am wanting to stand up for my girlfriend. Some of you have made a mistake that I would be loathe to commit myself in person: to underestimate her.

Everything I could say in her (and my) defense is included in my opening post. I totally understand how a quick read of my lengthy post carries the risk of misunderstanding my habits, intentions, treatment of people in general and my girlfriend specifically. But lets not underestimate my girlfriend's ability to stand up for herself and not subject her life to a boyfriend who fails to show her proper respect.

Lets start with my habit of using nicknames. First and foremost, I always treat everyone with the most respect that I can. I'm generally casual but NOT one of those thoughtless, overbearing individuals that immediately calls everyone I meet by some nickname, and doesn't realize that I may come across as offensive.

"I'm just naturally the kind of person that uses lots of slang and nicknames when addressing people I know. People who know me take it in a fun, friendly way. I never mean any disrespect, my friends don't mind."

"It was early in our relationship when I noticed Saori didn't respond well to anything except her name."

Columbine wouldn't tolerate anyone calling her Sugar on a first date. Would, or did Saori? I said it was early in our relationship, certainly not our first date so I don't know where that came from.

And yes, I had considered that it might have nothing to do with nationality and it could just be that my girlfriend is the sort of girl who just simply loathes pet names. But nowhere in my post is any indication that she is the sort of girl who simply loathes pet names. Quite the opposite. It turns out that at most she had a mild apprehension or maybe suspicion about them. When I say she "didn't know" how to take that sort of address, she "didn't know" what to read into it, I mean precisely that: she didn't know.

She was questioning my past behaviors, using treatment of previous girlfriends/wife as a yardstick of how she was being treated. She was wondering if, for me, this practice was typical in the context of american culture's man/woman romantic relationships.

In my original post I indicate that I asked her if being called those names bugs her. To go deeper into it, my questioning was actually two-fold:

1. Is it that she doesn't like the specific terms I'm using; for example, is "Sugar" and "Honey" acceptable but "Baby" or "Sweetie" not acceptable, etc.

2. Or rather, is the issue that she dislikes being called any sort of nickname.

She couldn't have been more clear. She told me that she does NOT have a dislike of being called these names. Which later turned out to be very true. Even though she preferred to be called by her name, this preference was motivated by really really liking hearing her name said, not out of a dislike for the nicknames.

She didn't know whether or not to harbor a dislike of these names. Literally DID NOT KNOW. Her mind wasn't made up on the issue and wouldn't be until she understood the practice, and got to know me, a bit better.

Over time she got to witness me in various social settings. She learned that I treat her with the utmost respect (in all ways, especially in ways more important than nicknames) and that I treat everyone with all due respect.

She witnessed how, in the context of this utmost respect I showed to people, that I'm throwing out an awful lot of: dude, bro, brother-man, sis, man, rock-star, yo, miss, ma'am, sir, slick, sugar, my-man, money, cuddles, etc etc etc.

As I say in my original post, "She witnessed my massive propensity for calling everyone some sort of nickname, and she got to see in their responses that there was never a shred of disrespect in this habit of mine."

What she learned is that, in american culture, my nickname habit did not offend people. She learned that, in the way I lay it down, people genuinely like it. She made her own judgement that I treat others like this, and they are entertained, charmed, tickled, or at a minimum, not offended.

Also, in the early stage of a relationship, you're both learning about each other. She wasn't sure if I was the type to be casually disrespectful and then expect a girlfriend to just accept it.

Over time what she learned is that I treat her quite consistently with the utmost deference, respect and consideration in all the ways that are far more important than a nickname. Therefor the fact that I use a nickname is in that context of utmost respect, and that the nickname is not a contradiction to nor a violation of that respect.

Its out of that context of respect that the nicknames come, and people who meet me in person can sense that. I don't blindly, blithely and randomly pick any nickname that pops into my head. Its fitting to the person and the situation. Its a way for me to show that I'm really tuned in to the person, in a way that allows me to go outside of their "proper" title and name into an alternative title and name that is both complimentary and complementary.

dogsbody70 - you ask why I don't just call her by her name. In my original post, I say that's what I did when she requested it. But as we got to know each other better, I could sense an easing of formalities... especially after being intimate. We've been about as intimate as two people can be. I mean, we've gone beyond the pale in exploring intimacy.

So no, its not "sheer habit." As I said before, its not something I do out of mindless habit. Its really to raise the status of the relationship, to show respect and thoughtfulness and engagement and with a sense of humor and fun. If Saori hadn't seen this and come to these conclusions herself, she would NOT have eventually warmed up to the practice.

MMM - The point of the FB chat story and the word sempai was to demonstrate that I understood that the term is one of honor. To an american it is notable that someone who would in all respects seem to be a peer, a complete equal, would use a term of respect simply because the other person is one year older.

As for bijin, I had no idea if the word would be used by japanese speakers as a nickname or address in the way an american would say "Hey, Beautiful" as a way to address a woman.

But I did say in my original post that I picked that up from a girlfriend who was born and raised in Hiroshima. She liked it so much that I referred to her as "Bijin" that I called her that more than her real name.

Its one of the terms my current girlfriend kinda likes now. But I could sense what you told me, that the word bijin, while translating to roughly the equivalent of the english "beautiful" doesn't necessarily get used that way in Japan.

I care for and respect her deeply, so I'd never want to force her to change. I don't know where in my post I indicate that I am trying to force her to accept my nickname habit. Maybe the closest I come is towards the end when I say here's where we're at now:

"But occasionally "Honey" or "Bijin" slips out and she's fine with it."

I guess I could see that looking like I accidentally fall back on a habit, and she just bears it instead of reacting to it. In reality, she is coyly starting to prefer that I cut her in on this deal. I do it with everyone else, and now, she feels a bit on the outs if I'm not doing with her.

Maybe she doesn't want the formality she witnessed between her parents growing up. Her parents didn't have the best relationship. Slept in different rooms, etc. Maybe she's now relating that formality with limited intimacy.

She doesn't want limited intimacy. She wants the intimacy to go as deep as it can.

But like I said, with a long post like that, I understand how a quick browsing of it can present an incorrect impression.

Which brings me here.