My story needs a critique. (please)

[AnimeBaby112]

Hi!
I am in need of a critique for some of my stories.
I am going to post the first chapter and see what you guys think.
Say exactly what you think of it.
Now mind you this is not the best example of my writing abilities, this is a very old story.

The story is set in New York City.

Chapter one.
I am not a freak, I am not a freak, I am not a freak.
These words ran through my head as I waited for the nurse to call my name.
I looked around the tiny cramped doctors office, half a dozen men and women sat in the chairs, flipping through magazines and news papers, watching the small colorless TV or attempting to entertain their children.

A little boy sat on the stained grey rug, playing with worn colored blocks, his mother watched me warily from over the top of her magazine; I smiled at her, remembering too late why I was here.
The womans eyes widened, she dropped her magazine and snatched up her son, who began to cry. All the other children looked up and began to cry too.

I looked to my right, Sister Carline (my escort) was laying back in her chair, asleep. I smiled again and stood up quietly, I looked around once more before disappearing through the door.
It was raining hard when I got outside. I didnt mind, I was used to the cold and rain. I checked the window of the office, madam Carline was still asleep. Good. I pulled my coat tightly and set off into the darkness.

So that is it. Please tell me what you think.

[emiluvsjmusic]

Its a good start.. but I'd need to read more to know what its like

[AnimeBaby112]

Originally Posted by emiluvsjmusic

Its a good start.. but I'd need to read more to know what its like

Thanks!

Here is chapter two:
(it is not entirely done.)
Night had fallen, and with it came the sounds of the city night goers.
The rain had finally stopped, though black storm clouds still lingered, threatening more rain. I wandered the streets, looking for a place to sleep. But every alleyway I found was inhabited by homeless people. I sighed and resigned myself to sleeping in an abandoned dumpster. I was just about to lift the lid when it swung open and a girl jumped out. She looked like she was around my age, fifteen or sixteen at least; she had short dirty-blond hair and bright blue eyes.
I might have thought she was a boy if I hadn't seen her face.
She looked at me, her bright eyes searching my face, and then she spoke. "You're new aren't you?" her voice was street hard and sarcastic. With an accent that suggested she was Irish.
"How do you know?" my voice cracked from lack of talking. In the almost sixteen years of living at the orphanage, I had never spoken to anyone, nobody wanted to talk to the freak.
"You were goin' to sleep in the dumpster, everyone who has lived in the streets knows you cant"
"why?"
She rolled her eyes "the people take the trash out really early around here, they'll find you and next thing you know you'll be sittin' in the cop shop, explainin' yourself to the boys in blue."
I crossed my arms "well where am I supposed to sleep?" I was getting irritated by her know-it-all tone.
She mocked difficult thinking, "hmmm don't know, don't care. How's that? Now why don't you go home to mommy and daddy?"
"Okay then, if you will be of no help." I began to walk swiftly down the street. I knew she was watching me so I walked faster.
I heard a sigh from behind me then; "hey, Goth-boy! I can show you a place to sleep."
I smiled, turned and walked back to her."Thank you."
She glared at me, "just keep up. I don't want to deal with you if you get lost" with that she set off at a brisk pace.
I followed her down a maze of long alleyways and dingy streets until we reached a well light busy avenue, here I stopped looking at all the lights and people.
The girl stopped and put her hands on her hips. "Yes this is called avenue A."
"Its amazing." I whispered, fearing that if I spoke aloud it would dissolve like a dream. The girl raised her eyebrows at me "you mean you've never been to the city?" she walked to my side, I noticed she was about a head shorter than me.
"Yes, I lived in the country my whole life, at least I think."
"Are you a runaway?"
"In a sense, yes. And if you're thinking I'm some little rich kid who ran away from his parents you're wrong."
"Well you certainly don't look rich" she eyed my raged trench coat and patched clothes "where did you run away from then?"
"An orphanage,"
"Okay, well are you hungry?" she had noticed that my ribs were clearly visible. I quickly wrapped my coat around me. "I know a good Indian food place thats cheep. c'mon, theres some pretty lights there too." With that she grabbed my arm and led me down the street.
* * *
Ten minuets later we were standing outside a dingy little place where about five taxis were lined up.
"Ill go inside and get us some food, wait here." The girl said and disappeared through the door.
I sighed and sat down on the worn gray steps next to the "restaurant".
I looked around, it wasn't as well light here but it was still beautiful.
"Oui, Goth-boy, here." The girl had returned and was now holding two paper plates of the weirdest food I had ever seen. She placed one of the plates in my hand and sat down on the steps next to me.
"So whats your name?" she asked. "I cant keep calling you Goth-boy."
"...Gaaron, and you?"
"Helena."
We were silent for a moment, eating our food. I was amazed that food could have a taste.
"So were do you live?" I asked Helena.
"You'll see, I'm taking you there remember?"
"Right."
When we had finished our food, Helena stood up and took my arm again.
"Ill show you now." She led me down more passages and alleys, all the while telling me about New York, the people, the taxis, the subways, the buildings, everything. I listened intently, I loved the city already. Every few minuets I asked a question, which Helena answered happily.

(Note: Sorry for all the shortened words.)

[ThirdSight]

I understand the idea of having, what you may think, as your worst work reviewed, but if it's put out there for people to read, then you've come to a point where you feel it's ready for publication. Edit it later, but stand behind your work when it's on display.

The first chapter makes no sense. At all. A nice intro with the repetition of I am not a freak, and of course the mystery left by not telling the reader why the narrator is a freak is good. But the second chapter describes the narrator as someone who dresses like a goth, who ran away from home, more or less. Therefore, the women holding their children close to them in terror doesn't make much sense if your narrator's a normal looking enough guy for a near homeless girl to talk to him naturally. The escort doesn't need to be in there either; her only role so far is to sleep. We don't know anything about her at all; take her out. If you want to put her in later that's fine, but anytime you give a character a name and place, they become important to the story. She's in here for only 2-3 lines, asleep: take her out.

Don't ever end a chapter, novel, short story, or anything really, with someone as cliche as "into the darkness". Any reader who is reading this piece for pleasure will instantly put it down and leave it. Get rid of it, you'll thank me later.

From reading your dialogue between the two characters in the second chapter, I get the feeling as if you're thinking cinematically. It's a bit too wordy. There's nothing meaningful that's being said, it's just dialectic exposition between two people. Blur the lines of reality and fiction a bit more; have a character say something odd the first time they meet, or something powerful and profound besides, "you'll wake up in the cop shop". Let your characters live in their reality instead of trying to make them fit into ours; people read fiction to read about what doesn't or what won't happen anyway.

I don't have any concrete ideas as to where you're going with this story, but I can already make a good number of guesses. Edit this throughly and you'll be well on your way.

[AnimeBaby112]

Thank you ThirdSight!
That was really helpful.

As i said, that one is not my best because it is old and i didn't know that much about writing. I am going to post a different story, this one was just written for my friends so some of the places and things may be confusing. This is one i want to publish. There are a lot of cliches in this one and i have to edit it.
This is one of my newer stories so hopefully it is a little better than the previous one.
(kind of unrelated question: Does anyone think I should write a story based in Japan? most of mine are based in New York City.)

okay here is chapter one. it is a little long.

The lone figure hurried along the deserted moonlit streets.
A strong gust of wind whipped around him, blowing back his long black hair and reveling delicately pointed ears. He shivered and drew his black cloak tighter around himself.
The figure paused and looked up at the moon, its silver light washed over his face, illuminating his handsome features. His lips were thin, delicate, almost feminine. His eyes and eyebrows curved upward very slightly, a reminder of his elf blood.
But the figure did not linger for long; he had a task to complete.
He continued into the broken quarter of the city.
The streets here were darker and filthy. Piles of trash lined them, causing a foul stench to fill the air.
The figure continued on his way until he reached a square, a cracked fountain stood in the middle of it, its water had long since turned black and frozen.
There was the sound of a child crying. The figure looked around; it was one of the many beggars that lined the streets. A young girl wrapped in rags. Her lips were blue and she was shivering.
The figure tore his eyes away from this unpleasant sight as the sound of heavy footsteps approached. He inclined his head slightly to the stranger, who smiled, showing broken black teeth.
"Hassan," the figure hissed, his voice was soft with a slight ascent.
"Nightwolf, it is nice to see you. It would be nicer for you if you brought what I asked." The man smiled again, one of his broken teeth fell out of his mouth.
"I have brought it. But I must know will you keep your side of the deal? Remembering last time; I don't feel I can trust you, Hassan."
"You can trust me," Hassan said still smiling. Nightwolf looked unconvinced but reached into an inside pocket of his cloak and drew out a ruby the size of a child's fist. Hassan's eyes lit up at the sight of it, and he laughed. "Ahh Nightwolf, I'm amazed you didn't sell it, I'll bet its worth a lot more money than we arranged."
"I have no need for such money, and anyway none of the shop keepers would take it, it's supposed to be cursed, remember?"
"Ahh yes, the curse of the Devils Eye." he laughed, it was a horrible sound, like metal scraping against stone. Nightwolf resisted the urge to shudder.
Hassan stretched out his hand "let me have the eye, and I will give you your payment."
Nightwolf arched an eyebrow, "and how do I know you won't kill me after I give it to you?"
Hassan laughed, "We made a deal, I hold to that."
Nightwolf looked doubtful, but stretched out his hand and dropped the Devils Eye into Hassan's filthy palm. He readied himself incase Hassan attacked. Hassan grinned wider showing his five remaining teeth, and held the ruby up to the moon, letting its light shine through it.
"My payment?" Nightwolf said.
Hassan laughed "Ahh yes your payment," he snapped his fingers. Black clad men dropped from the rooftops and surrounded Nightwolf and Hassan.
"You filthy thief," Nightwolf hissed, "We had a deal."
"Do you think I got rich by keeping my deals? This is the payment you deserve."
Nightwolf backed up against the cracked stone fountain, watching the men advance.
Suddenly the frozen water in the fountain shattered into jagged shards, flung themselves at the men and buried themselves deep in the attacker's throats.
Hassan laughed, "A magic using thief, how original!" He dug in his pocket and pulled out a copper coin, "I will pay you for the excellent show, but now I take my leave." He flipped the coin towards Nightwolf. Suddenly there was a flash of fire, and Hassan fell at Nightwolf's feet. Dead.

Nightwolf sighed, "You should have kept our deal." He whispered softly.
He reached into Hassan's inner pocket and pulled out the Devils Eye. Quickly stowing it in his own pocket, Nightwolf searched Hassan for gold, finding only five coins he stood up and looked around.
The six men Hassan had ordered to kill Nightwolf ley next to the fountain, in pools of their own blood.
The shrill cries of a child rent the air, the girl.
Nightwolf strode to where she ley and knelt down, the child stopped crying at once, Quivering in fear. Nightwolf smiled to himself and placed his hand on the child's thin arm, "its okay, I'm not going to hurt you."
"B-but you killed t-those men." She turned her face to him; he put his fingers over his lips to stop himself from gasping, were her pupils should have been black they were milky white. She was blind.
"Yes I killed those men" he said softly. "But I promise I won't hurt you, I want to help you. A child should not be made to live like vermin."
The girl sat up shakily, "Y-you want to help me?"
"Yes, now come let's get you out of the cold." Nightwolf lifted the girl up and wrapped his cloak around her. The girls shivering stopped almost at once, and she nestled herself closer to him.
He smiled as he walked into the shadows.

(note: i know the last line is very cliche but i couldn't think of anything else. and i know i use "the figure" too much. )

[ThirdSight]

Lose that first line; once again you'll thank me later. The first line is there to bait the reader, and hook them. "They killed the white girl first," is a famous first line from one of Toni Morrison's novels. It gives away everything, but tells you as a reader nothing, but most important, it baits you to want to read further. Keep that in mind when writing your first line, it's important.

Nice way of giving away only so much within a good amount of time. A first I thought this guy was a vampire, but he's an elf instead.

The setting is important, and there wasn't enough of it in here. Why is the city broken? Why does crime and homelessness overtake the streets? It's important to know, and there's not enough of it here. However, the kind of description of the city you give here would be good to use at another time in the novel, once you've already described the setting in full detail. You could do one of two things: either move the setting to someplace less important (without forgetting to describe the setting there as well), or keep the setting within the city, but building on more exposition describing it. Exposition is never a bad thing unless it's got nothing to do, so use it.

What's the Devil's Eye? It sounds sinister, and of importance to the point where dealers are more than willing to kill each other over it. Starting within action is good, but not in every situation. If it's so important, how did the main character get it? Was it easy to get? Did it take a long time? Did the main character possibly run into other characters which could shape the rest of the story? It's not just a ruby, it's a stone precious enough to be called the Devil's Eye. Why? Furthermore, something's not adding up with the deal here at all. If it's a precious enough stone to be called the Devil's Eye, then why is the shaddy loose-toothed dealer going to just sell it? And if it's so important, why would the main character go through the trouble (whatever that is, the reader doesn't know here) of obtaining it only to sell it to some shmuck who's got murderer written all over his face? On top of all that, the main character knows a great deal of magic, so why is he so tense throughout the whole deal if he finishes everyone off with little to no effort? Rethink this whole scene, because it's not adding up on a good number of levels.

Once again, you're thinking cinimatically. The dialogues lumpy and wordy throughout, which not only makes for a problem within the narrative, but also in the genre you're trying to write in, which I'm assuming is fantasy. There's a great deal of creative liscence that can be used in fantasy, but there's also some expectations; though it's possible to break these expectations, but only with good enough skill to convince your reader that you're capable of doing it. Namely, in fantasy novels, the characters have something to say, usually of some importance. If not, it's just not in there. Never be afraid to substitute exposition of them talking to each other in place of dialogue; sometimes, it's favored and better placed that way.

Lastly, it's good that you can see the cliches that are rampant throughout this piece, but that doesn't mean that you should allow them in the first place. Sure, it's a rough draft that'll be greatly edited later on, but you should remove the cliches from the get go; it'll improve your writing skills exponentially, and you'll have less work to do when you're editing it later.

As far as your first question is concerned, the answer would be no, don't write about Japan in any way if you're a born American. Write what you know about, what you're familiar with. Even if it's boring, that's when writers find more creative ways to say something boring in a better way. If you haven't been to Japan, don't know anything about Japanese culture or it's people, or anything in general about the place, then don't write about it; your readers will see through it easily, and know that you don't know what you're talking about.

[Salvanas]

Generally, a good piece. Although, I find that detail and building up a character is a very important aspect to a piece of writing, and I hardly see any of it in your examples. Yes, there is some sort detail there, but not enough in my opinion. Also, most of the describing words hardly build his character. It's just a bit of info that has no real meaning.

Here, let me take your first few lines, and show you what I mean:

The figure hurried along the deserted, moonlit streets as the strong wind ripped throughout (OR across) the surroundings, causing his jet black hair to whip around him like long threads of yarn. (You can slip the pointed ears in later, it creates more interest if you hold the main details for more longer) Shivering, he clutched his cloak desperately, wrestling the wind for it's warmth. He (The figure is not needed here again. He is enough) paused momentarily to squint at the moon, which bathed his face in a dim light which faintly illuminated his handsome features. His lips were thin, delicate, almost feminine, much like his eyes and eyebrows, which curved upward very slightly, a distinguishable reminder of his blood (This causes the readers to take a guess, or even think "what blood?"). He did not linger for long for he had a task to complete. looking ahead, he pulled his cloak closer again and continued into the broken quarter of the city. The streets here were dark and filthy, where piles of trash lined the edges, causing a foul stench to fill the air.

This is vaguely what I mean. Of course, this is my own style, so copying it might not of course work for you. But personally, this is the amount of detail which is needed. And perhaps, even more.

Edit: Also, Thirdsight is correct in that you need more explanation.

[AnimeBaby112]

Thank you Thirdsight and Salvanas!
Yes, I know I write as if it is going to be a movie, its because I generally write for my movies and detail is a hard thing for me.
I am going to explain why the city is broken, and the Devils Eye. I still have yet to come up with how he got it. But it is important to the story. I know it was not very good to write the story before I figured out all the facts, it was just an idea that got drawn out.
The setting is hard, I know where these places are, what their histories are. I could explain why the city is broken, but that will take a long time. see i made up a world (which i love more than earth, probably unhealthy ) and the history is complicated. I am going to post the second chapter which i do not think is very good, and i did not edit it as much as the rest, but it may explain a bit more. oh, and it is not done yet. the end is not the real end i just have writers block.
Oh yes and the Elf thing, that is a base, and i think i have to have it in there. there are many levels of Nightwolf that i will add later.

Chapter two
The marketplace was packed; Nightwolf and the girl had arrived on the day of the Festival of Sunlight. The normally empty streets of Secan were now crowded, there were venders selling items from as far away as Mern. The streets were decorated with banners of red, orange, yellow, and gold. Jugglers and fire dancers lined the streets. Children raced in-between the stalls, waving wooden swords at each other. Bards sang their song of heroes long dead.
Nightwolf and the girl lingered in the shadows. Not wanting anyone to recognize him; Nightwolf had tied a strip of cloth over his face. He would not have come here if it wasn't for the girl; she had not spoken to him since he had found her, but he could tell she had not had anything decent to eat in a long time.
It was now as they stood at the entrance of the alleyway that she spoke, "where is all that music coming from?"
Nightwolf bent down and picked her up, "it's a festival, I think."
"What is it like?" The girl asked,
Nightwolf described it, every detail of it. He saw the girls face light up when he spoke of the fire dancers. She must have been able to see at one point. He thought.
"Are you hungry? I for one haven't eaten in days." Nightwolf scanned the venders for a baker.
The girl nodded.
"Okay then," Nightwolf smiled and set off towards a shabby vender selling bread.
A pretty young woman smiled at Nightwolf and the girl as they approached, "Hello loves, and what will two fine people like yourselves be wanting today?"
"Whatever we can get for this," Nightwolf dropped two gold pieces on the counter.
The woman smiled again and handed him two loafs of bread. Nightwolf nodded to her and strode off. He slipped one of the loaves into his bag and split the other in half, he handed one of the halves to the girl. She grinned at him taking a huge bite of the bread.
"You're very welcome!" He said removing his mask and taking a bite of his own bread.
*
now, the places....i don't know what to say about them, if i publish this there will be my map in the front.

I may be posting different stories too. being as this one is done.

thanks again for the critiquing my stories so far! all the advice is very helpful.

[Salvanas]

One thing I forgot to add, is the amount of spacing and the weird spacing you have between your work.

Also, reading it again, my last critiques still count. You need way more detail.

[xYinniex]

I think you should make use of italics to put across his inner thoughts, and manipulated use of sentences and punctuation would help.

oh and use spellcheck. =D

advice: write up a plan first, then draft it up on paper, then put it on word, spell check and then upload it.
if you're really serious about this. =D

You have some pretty cool ideas, not my sorta thing but it's got potential.