[ThirdSight]

I understand the idea of having, what you may think, as your worst work reviewed, but if it's put out there for people to read, then you've come to a point where you feel it's ready for publication. Edit it later, but stand behind your work when it's on display.

The first chapter makes no sense. At all. A nice intro with the repetition of I am not a freak, and of course the mystery left by not telling the reader why the narrator is a freak is good. But the second chapter describes the narrator as someone who dresses like a goth, who ran away from home, more or less. Therefore, the women holding their children close to them in terror doesn't make much sense if your narrator's a normal looking enough guy for a near homeless girl to talk to him naturally. The escort doesn't need to be in there either; her only role so far is to sleep. We don't know anything about her at all; take her out. If you want to put her in later that's fine, but anytime you give a character a name and place, they become important to the story. She's in here for only 2-3 lines, asleep: take her out.

Don't ever end a chapter, novel, short story, or anything really, with someone as cliche as "into the darkness". Any reader who is reading this piece for pleasure will instantly put it down and leave it. Get rid of it, you'll thank me later.

From reading your dialogue between the two characters in the second chapter, I get the feeling as if you're thinking cinematically. It's a bit too wordy. There's nothing meaningful that's being said, it's just dialectic exposition between two people. Blur the lines of reality and fiction a bit more; have a character say something odd the first time they meet, or something powerful and profound besides, "you'll wake up in the cop shop". Let your characters live in their reality instead of trying to make them fit into ours; people read fiction to read about what doesn't or what won't happen anyway.

I don't have any concrete ideas as to where you're going with this story, but I can already make a good number of guesses. Edit this throughly and you'll be well on your way.