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theAlphaDuck (Offline)
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09-08-2008, 09:33 AM

yea it's the Family honour thing i'm worried about....
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How so? - 09-08-2008, 04:27 PM

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Originally Posted by theAlphaDuck View Post
yea it's the Family honour thing i'm worried about....
Could you be more specific? Who's "Family Honour" are you worried about? Your family? The Japanese family? Honour in reference to what?
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Interesting story! - 09-08-2008, 05:38 PM

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Originally Posted by Nyororin View Post
My story is so different from yours that I doubt I can be of much help...
She`d expected to have to go the arranged marriage route because he is so... strange. :P
There's not right or wrong answers in this thread. Just your original story. My first intent for this thread was for those telling their past experiences. But after reading a few posts I think it will "help" those contemplating an upcoming proposal to a love of their life.

Now why do you think your husband is so "strange?" I hope it isn't because he married you. (Just kidding!)
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09-08-2008, 07:49 PM

well my story is a bit similar and a bit different as well... allbeit I'm not yet married, engaged however

my fiance's parents are extremely nice people and not too traditional in terms of japanese culture regarding marriage and relationships. to let you come to terms in understanding this, her dad is a fairly successful businessman who owns his own business (used to be more than one), and is planning to retire soon. However, neither his eldest son nor his daughter (fiance) will be taking over his business, against traditional asian culture. He's letting both children do what they want, while supporting them the whole way. (Son is doing Horse Racing/Raising Horses and my gf is in the travel industry...neither high paying careers). My gf and I began to live together when we've only been dating for about 6 months. Not too off the wall for american society, but what I understand about Japanese, it is quite unusual for this to happen. Nonetheless, her father was very supportive of us and never objected. However, we didn't let them know right away about our living situation

They came out to the USA to visit us and some of the big citys here on the west coast about 6 months ago. Her dad booked everything, including the hotels, inwhich me and my gf had our own room with 1 bed (pretty rare again for un-married japanese culture). That was my first time meeting them, we had lots of fun, never once did I feel as if they did not approve of our relationship. I'm glad we got to meet at this time, because otherwise my first meeting with them would be a "hey nice to meet you, can i marry your daughter?" type of deal when I went to Japan.

So, I eventually mustered up the courage to propose to my gf here stateside, knowing that even though I proposed and she said yes, I still want their parents (her dad's) approval.

Fast forward a few months to our Japan vacation (1 month ago). When we went to Japan for our vacation, we both stayed at their house and slept in the same room/bed and everything (not too big of a surprise, after sleeping in the same hotel room with the gf and the parents next door). They are very welcoming people and wished for me to have a good time in Japan above anything. Her father once again booked vacations for us and hotels, in which the gf and I once again stayed in the same room, sharing the same bed next door to them and still still un-wed and without their knowing of us being engaged(kinda).

During this great vacation amidst another great vacation, I sat naked, next to her father in an Onsen...and figured there couldn't be a better "man to man" (LOL) situation where I could explain to him my feelings and how I wish to wed his daughter. Once again, mustering up the courrage I blurted out my intentions in my best Japanese. The funny thing here, he responded to me at first in english (he's not fluent or anything). Saying marriage is OK but to take your time. I was kind of confused at this point, I mean...he's not apposed to our marriage, yea? But take our time...eh? He went on to explain himself in Japanese, of which I understood maybe 75% of it ...Basically he's concerend about us rushing in to things, because of our ages (i'll be turning 24 and she is 21) and wants to see us (me in particular) become more stable in our careers and make sure I can fully support my future wife. (I have a decent job now, in line for a promotion and go to school full time during the nights. He's basically saying "wait untill you graduate"). I couldn't really disagree with him, I mean, I can wait, I have no problem with that...as long as we're together.

Which is where in lies the problem. The gf's visa status will only allow her to stay in the USA for one more year, which is partially why we both want to get married soon. Now don't get me wrong, I love her dearly, but I'd really love to be a bit more financially affluent. But, I can see both sides...and do want to get married with her. She can stay in the USA if she goes back to school as a full time student, and her dad told her he would continue to support her ($) for this. I'm not sure if you guys realize how much international students pay for fees and per unit, but it's in the range of $200/unit vs. our $20ish a unit at community college. This can easily run in the 2-4k a QUARTER range. This doesn't seem to be an option for my fiance, she would rather not have her dad support her so he can hurry and retire (he's already over the japanese retirement age, her parents had children in their 30's).

So thats my story, I'm here...with a year left to decide what to do. I have my future father in law's approval, but I do not have the time frame needed to become more stable in my finances. I'm not sure what happens, but I know that we're not going to be seperated . My future mother in law is a doll, I love her a lot, she's very supportive and wants us to hurry up and make her a grandson/daughter I can't wait for that day to happen...I wish for my fiance's dad to be able to be a grandpa, because his health is deteriorating and he's turning 70. I know a lot of this may sound immature on my part, but I feel that our relationship is special and both of us are far more mature then our ages make us look. We've been exploring all our options but are 100% against in going behind their back, so who knows...maybe this time next year I'll be in Japan working as a salary man?

There's nothing more in this world I want right now then to start a family with my fiance and live a happy life. I hope you all can wish us luck

Thats my story in a nutshell.

Last edited by kenmei : 09-08-2008 at 07:57 PM.
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09-08-2008, 07:49 PM

jeeze i just realized I typed up an essay...my appaulogies
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09-08-2008, 11:14 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by xceeding View Post
There's not right or wrong answers in this thread. Just your original story. My first intent for this thread was for those telling their past experiences. But after reading a few posts I think it will "help" those contemplating an upcoming proposal to a love of their life.
Thanks. I think I`m just far too accustomed to the countless threads wanting direct advice on something or another, and took this thread to be another one of them.

Quote:
Now why do you think your husband is so "strange?" I hope it isn't because he married you. (Just kidding!)
I`m not the one who thinks my husband is strange. I think he`s quite wonderful, which is why we`re married.
The "strange" bit is the opinion of his parents. The strong opinion of his mother, who was planning for an arranged marriage before he was even out of high school because a) They`re the family head and he is the eldest son - therefore needs to be married... and b) She could see no chance of anyone independently choosing to marry him.

I can`t tell you how many people were outright shocked that he was getting married at all.


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10-13-2012, 09:27 PM

I was originally going to post this in a new thread, but thought I'd do it here instead. This is not about me, but actually about a good friend of mine who like me is white and was born in America, and his wife of three years who is Japanese, from what they told me in an e-mail.

I haven't gotten the chance to meet her parents because I have never been to Japan (though I am planning on it in the future), but from what I have been told, they are really nice and my friend has come to look up to his father-in-law. As for the couple, they are very much in love and I'm beyond happy he's found everything he has wanted (when I say that, I mean they officially now have a baby on the way...even though they call their dogs their kids).

Anyway, he took her out to the first spot where they met and proposed to her there, she said yes, and then together they asked her parents for permission. They were both very excited and hugged the newly-engaged couple, but then later my friend said that the father started looking a bit down. They talked, and the father admitted he was afraid that their marriage would mean she would move far away to the States, but my friend reassured him that they both plan on living the rest of their lives in Japan. That made the father feel better, but then later he regretted what he had said, apologized to them both and said he would understand if they needed to go to America. He sounded pretty good about it. The mother was just incredibly happy.


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10-15-2012, 08:56 AM

No one is reading this here, in this dead forum where only bots post....
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10-17-2012, 02:37 AM

Oh....awkward....I just saw the date of the previous post before mine...sorry.


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