[Excessum]

Mmm... this peace of story is very hard to follow, due to the high capacity of facts in one sentence, the lack of punctuation and explanations of what is happening, the continuity is questionable as well. It seems that you have some great ideas, but just let them flow in the story instead of bursting them with a automatic rifle... so far it's just a big mess.. sorry >_<

Here... a pieve of what i've done... i know it's far from perfection, but just take a look: http://www.japanforum.com/forum/memb...tml#post168879