Newlywed concerns.
 

We just got married, I'm American, 27, and she's Japanese, 26. We live in Okinawa for now, but will be going to Tokyo in a couple years. We're going on a honeymoon in Bali in Spring of next year. :cool:

It's funny, I don't feel any different being married, maybe because we haven't had an actual wedding yet.

The actual legal marriage here in Japan is so........inconsequential. We went to the city office, and after about 20 minutes, it was just "Ok, we're married, lets go home now." No judge or anything asking me if I sware to love/honor/cherish/etc, just one of the office employees helping us with the paperwork and a friendly "omedeto" and that's it.

Ok, now on to the concerns.....

She's the same girl, but ever since we got married, she's been doing things for me way beyond what I expected. She knows how much I like Japanese girls (to the point of not being attracted to any other girls for the most part). We've watched some of the Gravure/AV videos together and she always asks if I want her to be like one of those girls (hairstyle, clothes style, etc). Two days ago I told her I liked black hair better, and the short hair style. Today she comes home with her hair dyed back to black (it was lightish brown) and cut short. This is a girl who hasn't cut her hair in like 10 years. This is just the most recent thing, she's changing everything for me, style, hair, attitude, all to please me. I'm happy about it, but I always heard that girls stop doing things for the guy once they get that wedding ring! :p

The big thing, and on one hand it makes me happy, on the other hand, I'm a little fearful. She knows I've got a weakness for small Japanese girls (she's 5'1" and 100lbs) with large breasts. So she starts doing research one day while I'm at work, and found out that Sora Aoi has fake breasts (US equivalent DD), and she wants to do them that size (she's a B cup right now). My "man side" is jumping for joy, my "husband side" is kinda hesitant about her putting herself through surgery and the pain during the first couple weeks of recovery. We're visiting a doctor this week for a surgery consultation.

Yeah, I know, long first post, but I figured maybe I could get some advice from other people who have Japanese girlfriends/wives anonymously. I don't want to talk to our friends about the last issue.

Why havent you given her the money to go get them done yet?

oh yeah im not married or even thinking about marriage.. im your "Guy Side"

Woah, you in for a ride dude... Everything changes after marriage, the same women you know now will not the one you know in a few years. Ive been married to my wife Asuka for 3 years now. And trust me we have been through some battles. Most Japanese-American marriages experience the same shit. Prepare for cultural clash! Trust me I know. If you have any problems you can talk to me. I am in Okinawa also. PM me for my e-mail.
But hang in there dude don't be another statistic. Most Japanese American marriages that stay to gether end up happy down the road you just have to hang in there.

You are married now. No more girls, try not to even look. I know its hard. She will have some serious trust issues with you.

Satistics are 75% of the Marriages end in the first year.

what sort of cultural things have been a problem for you and your wife? hope you dont mind answering im just interested as to what the cause from the "cultural differance" side

You shouldn't make her feel like she isn't good enough. You should like her for who she is, not what her breasts are like. I'm sure you do, but you have to make it clear that you don't want anyone but her. It's awful for a women to feel like she isn't what you wanted or that she is inferior to other women in your eyes. I don't know why you told her you find other things attractive other than her in the first place, that can be pretty hurtful you know. Nobody is perfect, obviously, but saying you like women with big breasts when she hasn't got big breasts isn't a good way to go about things. In any case, don't let her go through something like that for no reason. A women should do these things for herself, not for a man. If you think she is beautiful, tell her so. And if you don't like her for who she is already, then why did you marry her? I'm sure you do anyway, just make sure she's aware of that. Women do things like that because they are insecure, normally, so make sure she doesn't feel like that. Just my opinion there.

isnt there a way to resolve this where shes happy and he has a wife with bigger breasts?

EDIT: im sure shes happy now so make that "Content"

Public Affection. In America it is not uncommon to give your wife a peck on the cheeks or lips in public. To Japanese it’s embarrassing.

Japanese men are very chauvinistic, and American men aren't.

Americans are much more laid back. Most Japanese are a little up-tight.

I can add more to the list, but me and my wife are still learning and have a long way to go to bridge are cultural differences.

But, the question is whether SHE wants big breasts or does she want them because HE wants them. She shouldn't have to change herself for any man. A man shouldn't even wish his wife had bigger breasts anyway, it is incredibly shallow, and can make a women feel very inferior. Big breasts don't make someone attractive, anyway. They aren't important, and they certainly aren't worth the money just to please a man.

Obviously a Womans Point of View

but seriously.. im only joking around

i dont think you should make your wife change anything at all, when i marry.. one day.. she will be the most beautiful woman on the Planet.. in my eyes anyway

but for now.. big boobs ftw

Thanks for all the advice, I'll PM you, I think we're in for a very good marriage, but nowadays I guess you can never tell.

Maybe I came off the wrong way in my post. I'm not trying to change her, she's trying to change herself for the things she already knows I like. I'm not even trying to put ideas in her head, she's coming up with all this stuff on her own. I think maybe, just maybe, this is all stuff she wanted to do before, but she was afraid that guys might not like it, but now that we're married, we can be completely open with each other. I've never told her "I think you should get bigger boobs" but she has said "honey, would you like it if I had bigger boobs?" I'm not gonna lie, and tell her no.




edit:

Wow you guys reply fast on this forum. I've already told her she doesn't have to change anything about herself and I will love her no matter what. But if she insists on doing things because she knows I like it, who am I to argue?

If you think that big breasts make someone pretty then your a twat. A lot of men think exactly what I think aswell, the ones that aren't shallow idiots.

A man couldn't possibly understand what having big boobs is like for a women anyway. They get in the way, and for some women it causes them serious problems, particularly back problems later in life. Shallow men talk to their tits instead of their face. It's not a good thing, and nothing a man could possibly understand.

so your saying all women with big breasts think that there boobs get in the way? i see how you said "and for some women" about back problems but not "for some women they get in the way" what if some women like there big boobs? so what if a man likes small boobs but his girlfriend naturally has big boobs? does that make him a shallow idiot? or not because he agrees with you?

MissMisa JF's Breast Nazi

Yeah, I thought as much, like I said 'I'm sure you do.' Just assure her that's shes nice as she is. I don't know why you'd like her to have bigger boobs, but that's your business. Just make sure it is really what she wants and she isn't just trying to please you. There isn't any point in wasting all that money on fake breasts, unless she has self-esteem issues or she really wants them, and it's her money she can do what she wants. But personally I think it's a waste and could be used on better things. If she wants to do those things, that's up to her I guess. You just really need to make sure she's doing it for her, that's all really, but it seems like you knew that already.

I didn't say all women think breasts get in the way though, did I, no? That is your assumption, not mine. If a guy only likes a girl because she has big boobs, then that is shallow, end of story. I never even commented on the other scenarios you're on about. No-one can help having big or small breasts. If a guy only wanted a girl because she had small breasts, that would ALSO be shallow. If a guy only wants a women because of her 'sexual organs' then he is shallow full stop.

We've researched the possible negative effects of the implants. She's going to start going to the gym with me and doing sit ups and back raises with a 10lb weight to get her body ready for the extra weight. She's been wanting to get into the gym with me anyways because she wants Kumi Koda legs (dancer legs). :rolleyes: Again, I'm not telling her to do this, but she wants to look her best for me. :rheart:

I guess that's kind of sweet in a way. I can't say I'd ever bother doing that since I'm already totally happy with myself, but as long as you do things properly and she's sure then that is your own business really. I'm not sure how healthy it is for her to be totally obsessed with her appearance, but I don't know her or anything, so I couldn't say. Some people can be lighthearted about these things and enjoy putting in the effort.

This sounds to me like she`s actually more scared of losing you than wanting to please you. I`d tread carefully, and make sure she knows that SHE is the person you want to be with, as you may be wading into some serious self esteem issues. Those sort of things can lead to MAJOR problems down the road as she ages, and comes to wonder if she is beating the tight little teenagers around.

I would advise pretty strongly against the breasts. It`s not just a recovery issue, but they can cause some serious life long problems. A 100lb frame isn`t designed to support large breasts, so expect serious back pain, shoulder pain, migraines, etc from the stress of carrying them around. Also, if she is like most every Japanese woman, she`s going to eventually want children... And even if she doesn`t plan on breastfeeding, the breasts aren`t going to know that and swell up, become inflamed, etc if she becomes pregnant. (Sometimes to the point of requiring hospitalization and emergency surgery to relieve the pressure.) Having ducts cut for enlargements leads to scarring internally, and when they breast ready themselves for milk, they can cause serious infections.

Obviously, you want to spend the rest of your life with her, so think of the distant future too.

i just dont see why you would say "They get in the way" and then go straight on to "and for some women they cause serious back problems" why not just say For some women they get in the way and cause serious back problems.. the way you said it is implying that big boobs get in the way for all women.. "If you think that big breasts make someone pretty then your a twat.".. i didnt say "i only like women with big boobs" only a twat would come to that conclusion, or maybe just someone who doesnt like to be wrong.

i should be a freaking lawyer

Because I did, end of story. I was pretty much referring to myself when I said they get in the way, that's why. I've never had back problems with them though, so that's why I said some women in that instance. And why do you keep saying I said 'all women' when I've just told you I didn't. I told you I didn't imply it, so why are you trying to argue the other way?

I wasn't referring to you personally, I was addressing anybody. If you make a statement, 'you' can be used to address everyone who thinks a certain way. For example, 'If you like rock music, you might like heavy metal.' Referring to all people who like rock music. So I never called you a twat, unless you do only like women for their big boobs, which you said you didn't, therefore in that instance, your not a twat.

I think the lawyer thing just went out of the window.

I didnt have to read all that to reply to it.. i already said that by the way you wrote it your implying all women think they get in the way, whether you like it or not.. if you didnt mean it.. write it a way that doesnt imply it

ill admit i took the twat referance a differant way.. ow about a pint at tha local ey

i dont want to be a lawyer anyway

Flame War / Debate.. whatever you wana call it

Over!

We've read about the possible complications with pregnancy and breast feeding, and what you've mentioned about the swelling and possible need for surgery is a very remote possibility. Along the same lines as having a heart attack at age 30.

As long as she prepares her body for the extra weight, I don't see there being too many problems.

But, believe me, I've told her about all these things, and she's read about them herself, and she still wants to do it. I'm not going to argue with something that she and I both want equally.

But I didn't imply it, you assumed it. You could say 'People like pink.' It doesn't say everyone likes pink, does it? No. It's the same thing. It's not implying everyone likes pink, either, it's just not specifying. I would never imply that everyone thinks a certain way, because for everything that exists there will be someone that disagrees.

Anyway, this is off topic, so if you want to carry it on PM me, but there really is no point since it's not me who didn't understand what I wrote -_-=

In Japan, it is said that a bride wears a white dress, like a clear slate, so she can take on the colors of her husband. The point is, that a traditional girls (and most Japanese become more traditional as they grow up and marry) will do things to please her husband, at least at first. Enjoy it before you guys become comfortable and it wears off. Unless there's some type of issue, she's just devoted to you,

I didn't really think about it that way, as more of a tradition thing. Good post! Thanks!

I've been in an internation marriage for 10 years and lived in both countries. If you are both mature and level headed, then things should be fine. The first year is the most difficult. It is imperitive you learn to understand Japanese culture, language and psychology so you can understand your new wife.

If you have that understanding, then you won't experience the international marriage "difficulties" but have more intersting things the learn about each other and your relationship.

A relationship shouldn't take a lot of work. You know you're with the right person if it is relaxed and it is not difficult.

How long did you know your wife before you got married?

If you are planning on having children, then don't get breast implants. Bs can swell to DDs after birth, and the body isn't expecting the extra baggage.

I have never heard of newlyweds going through this issue. You should be as happy as rabbits. I agree with Nyororin...

And just exactly how does she plan on going about this? Unless she "trains" herself with big weights adhered to her chest, there isn`t a whole lot you can do. It isn`t about training for carrying the weight - it`s that if the weight is there, it`s going to be pulling and causing problems. It`s not a back pack or something you can really practice at... And I doubt she realizes it, as Japan has a very romanticized view of breasts. There aren`t a whole lot of big ones around to have a realistic view.

If you`re not going to reconsider it - then there is no real point in asking around about it. If you both really want this, and are both completely accepting of the possible complications - then there is no reason not to, I presume.

For me, however, no matter how nice it may seem in the short term... I would never be willing to allow my partner to go through an unnecessary procedure that at worst could end in death. Small risks are still risks - and I don`t think this is something necessary enough to put someone I love at risk for.

To each his own though, I suppose.

hi nyororin

just wondering what you meant by that? i didnt know there view of breasts differed from.. i guess Australia.. could you please explain to me?

or anyone else?

QFT QFT QFT!!!

Most women do not have big breasts. In fact, a large chunk of the population doesn`t even *have* breasts that can be measured.
I think it`s hard for women to form a realistic view of breasts when they aren`t exposed to any outside of media, where they are painted as the perfect sexual body feature.

In other words, women are often completely shocked to find that larger breasts actually have *weight*. That they really NEED bras to support them. That they aren`t eternally perky.

I have several friends who were seriously appalled to discover that once they got pregnant and their breasts swelled, that they had to wear a bra. They never felt it necessary prior to that - bras were decorative underwear. Not "support".

That`s also a problem, as clothing makers share that view, so bras are not designed with anything other than looking cute in mind. Good luck finding something that hold the breasts in properly, let alone supports them well enough to prevent shoulder/back pain. I have larger-than-the-average-Japanese (but probably pretty normal US sized) breasts, and finding clothes that fit properly is a battle in futility. Japanese sizes themselves aren`t an issue... Except for the bust. If the bust fits, then everywhere else is frustratingly baggy. But if it`s something supposedly designed for a larger bust, it assumes you won`t be wearing a bra and shows the shoulder (as obviously, if you have those assets, you`ll want to be showing them off.)

I consider this to be a romanticized view, as there is no exposure to the reality of breasts... Even if it`s a mundane bit of reality like them having real weight and needing support, without mentioning the "bad" bits like back pain, etc.

I think the greater issue is his wife's self-esteem issue. I agree she is doing whatever she can to "keep" him above "please" him. and the OP's concerns are legit. That's why I ask how long he knew her before marrying her.

It doesn't sound like watching porn together is a good idea, as she thinks she need to look like an porn idol to keep him interested.

I agree. Newlyweds who are truly in love and know each other don't have these kinds of issues.

We've been together for a year now, we are truly in love, so I don't see why that is coming into question. Some might say a year is too quick to get married, but I've been with a girl for 3 years before, and still wasn't sure I wanted to marry her. This is the real thing, we love each other very much

Now bringing up the self esteem issues is valid, but if she is doing things to improve her self-image, I don't see the problem. Could you explain this better please? Why is this an indicator for future problems?

Thanks for the responses everyone!

She isn't trying to improve her self-image. She is trying to fit into the image of the girl she thinks you want.

What you need to do is 1) stop with the pornos because obviously it intimidates her and 2) convince her you love her for her, not for what she could be.

Nyoryorin and MMM are totally correct. Forget the superficial stuff. Tell her you like her the way you are and just get to know her.

We don't really know the circumstances, so I don't think we can make decisions about someone's self esteem or your relatiopnship. Never presume to understand a relationship between a married couple.

JHowever, just get to know her and tell her you like her the way she is. The physicall passion will relax over time, the body will sag, only the heart will remain - so that should be your first concern.

I have told her I love her exactly the way she is, MANY MANY MANY times, she still wants the surgery.

We watch porn when we go to Love Hotels (every other weekend), she likes watching it, I never suggested that she watch it, everything that she does, she does on her own.

Again, I appreciate the responses, but you guys are posting like I don't actually love her and I am trying to MAKE her change. I have been nothing but supportive, if she wants to change her appearance I will support her, if she wants to stay exactly as she is, I will still support her.

are Love Hotels something most Japanese couples do? like on a regular basis? i cant really write out what im thinking i cant get it down in words.. i think i mean like are they used regularly by most japanese couples? like just something couples do without thinking about it or is it considered to be like i duno the word you know like kinki but theres another word for it haha

I never suggested you didn't love her. I just think you don't know her.

She's not abnormal, but not stable.

If you ever plan on hving kids, don't do the surgery.

Perfectly normal. Most people who are dating live with their parents so it is a place to go to enjoy each others company.

Though I don't hear about married couples going as often, as theoretically they have a home and privacy.

Populated country, people always close by, adults live with parents until married and sometimes after, small house ... gotta find a place. They're a huge business.

ah so i guess this goes with the not meeting the parents thing too? is it strange for a japanese couple to take gf/bf to there house i duno for like lunch or something? or is it totally hidden untill basically the marriage?

i find it so strange they you have to plan your time to "enjoy each others company" at a love hotel

the wonders of cultural differances.. :)