[KikiBunny23]

I write when I get depressed....this is my latest depressed moment


I don't understand life. One moment it brings you up and the next...boom! It pushes you to the floor without a second thought. So many times have I thought suicidal but every time I back down. I'm being tortured inside my own body and nobody knows it but me. So many different emotions are rushing through me. Each time I grasp a hold of one, another slips away.
To many times have I been prone to death. So many times have I injured myself. But no one knows. No one knows the pain I feel inside and no one will ever know because I keep it inside. Not letting my emotions slip away, yet every time they do. No one can save me, people have already tried. I try councilors, I try friends, but no one understands. They think it's just a phase but they don't understand how serious I really am. They think I'm kidding, since I put on a fake smile, they can't see how much pain I really am it.
I don't get it. One moment I'm pondering a question on life and the next I'm joking around without a care in the world. My life is a roller coaster and there is no one monitoring the controls. I have no one to lean on, they've all abandoned me. And yet I still come back, from my bottomless pit. My journal is my life, my poems are my emotions. Everything expressed in writing can't you see.
I'm breaking inside, writing it all down. Every little memory, I can recall. But still no one sees, the pain inside me. Sucking me from the inside out, until I'm nothing but a wasted mass. I live day to day, thinking about tomorrow. The tomorrow that will never come, since it is always today. Can't you see, the pain I hold inside. Can you foresee the wasted body, I am to be.
And yet everyone passes by me. Not thinking about me, or themselves but the person they hold in their heart. I am left only to rely on myself and God. That is all I need yet I still want. I deprive myself of all emotions as I realized the time has past. The time to look and stop this from happening to me. And even if you don't read this, even if you don't care...can you see what has become of me?
I'm not sure how much more I can take, of this twisted crazy life. Hopping from one place to another, writing frantically upon the wall. Everything changes, as the pain reveals itself. And the dam bursts, the one that had held me up so long ago. It was rusted and weak, and that was the last straw. My friends are gone, my life has no meaning, I'm left to drown in my despair. You might not read this, you might not care...but I will still be drowning, so don't try to save me.

If you get depressed...what do you do?