[StrandedAlien]

Hi. My name is Chris and my grandma (Obaasan) is Japanese.

She's been living with us (her children and grandchildren) for about five years now. The family is made up entirely of eccentrics, and they are extremely direct. In fact, my family is so direct that tatemae/honne distinctions are almost unheard of amongst the grandchildren. As you might expect, she has had "a bit" of trouble adjusting to the culture.

One ongoing problem is Obaasan's constant helping. That feels weird to write. It's even weirder to watch. What pretty much happens is this:

It comes time to clear the table, which is the kids' chore. Mom doesn't want Obaasan to clear the table. She wants the kids to learn responsibility, and she feels more than a little uncomfortable watching an almost ninety-year-old do chores. Obaasan waits until Mom isn't watching, then clears the table anyway. Mom tells her every night for about two months that she is not permitted to clear the table, and gives straightforward reasons. Obaasan does it anyway.

The way I see it, there is a clash of "cultural bubbles" (expectations) going on. Mom believes that the kids should be responsible for their own dishes. She also believes that elderly people should not be expected to wait on younger people; that they should be rewarded now for the work they did in their youth.

Here's my problem. I haven't got a clue what is in Obaasan's cultural bubble.

I have a theory. I understand that in uchi relationships in Japan, one person will act as the "indulger" (and thus be more disciplined) and the other person will act as the "indulged" (and be allowed to be spontaneous). The role of indulger often falls on the okaasan. Obaasan was okaasan for a long time. I also think that maybe since she sees the rest of us acting spontaneously together, she takes it upon her self to be the indulger. I think maybe she sees our directness as being harsh, and tries to be nice to us grandkids.

How do you all see the situation?