Song Translation Consistency Check Needed

[denwa]

Heya, I'm having a go at my first translation of a song, and I was wondering if someone wouldn't look it over to make sure everything's right? I'm a little worried because it was hard for me to interpret some lines.

Unfortunately my Japanese language skill right now isn't very high, so I did this with the help of a dictionary.

Please help! Thanks!


永遠を誓った二人には
Eien wo chikatta futari ni wa
Two people who swear to be together forever

会えない時が長くても
aenai toki ga nagakute mo
For a long time, they're unable to see each other

果てない想い 積もりゆく
Hatenai omoi tsumori yuku
Expecting their feelings to never fade

光り輝く
Hikari kagayaku
They shine



女と男の LOVE と書いて
Onna to otoko no LOVE to kaite
Write "love between a woman and a man"

これを革命と読みます
Kore wo kakumei to yomimasu
This is pronounced as revolution

愛して愛されて
Aishite aisarete
To love and to be loved

この永遠のテーマは
Kono eien no teema wa
This age-old theme

Girl loves Boy　から始まるのです
Girl loves Boy kara hajimaru no desu
Starts from girl loves boy

そして
Soshite
And...

革命時代。
kakumei jidai
A period of revolution.



悲しい夢も涙も捨てないで
Kanashii yume mo namida mo sutenaide
Don't thow away a sad dream or tears

そっと青春の小箱につめて
Sotto seishun no kobako ni tsumete
Softly fill youth's casket

時々それを開くと
Tokidoki sore wo hiraku to
At times it opens up

美しい思い出がよみがえるでしょう
Utsukushii omoi de ga yomigaeru deshou
And revives beautiful memories, I hope



最後に　もう一度　抱きしめて　いいかい
Saigo ni mou ichidou dakishimete ii kai
Is it alright if I hold you one last time?

夜明けが近いよ　さよならを　言わせて
Yoake ga chikai yo sayonara wo iwasete
Dawn is drawing near, let me say goodbye

誰かの心が　ひらけば　どこかで
Dareka no kokoro ga hirakeba dokoka de
If a person's heart is open, somewhere

傷ついてる　誰かの　心が　とじる
Kizutsuiteru dareka no kokoro ga tojiru
A wounded person's heart is closed



幸せなと　知らないまま
Shiawase na to shiranai mama
Without knowing it, everyone

人はみんな　生きる道を探してる
Hito wa minna ikiru michi wo sagashiteiru
Is looking for a path that leads to happiness



(Let’s shake the world)踊れ　命がけ
Let’s shake the world odore inochigake
Let’s shake the world, dance for your life

(Love you ＆ me)愛し　愛され
Love you & me aishi aisare
Love you & me, love and be loved

叶わない愛で　いいのさ
Kanawanai ai de ii nosa
Unrequited love is fine

愛し続ける　LOVE　革命
Aishi tsuzukeru LOVE kakumei
I will continue to love you, love revolution



さだめに逆らい　どこまで行けるの
Sadame ni sakarai doko made ikeru no
How far can we go, opposing fate

気づけば過去まで　押しも出されながら
Kizukeba kako made moshi mo dasare nagara
While worrying about the past and opposing authority

切れそうな鼓動が　自由を支えて
Kiresouna kodou ga jiyuu wo sasaete
The heartbeat the seems to cut supports freedom

立ち向かう一筋の　光とともに
Tachi mukau hitosuji no hikari totomo ni
Together with light, standing earnestly

何一つも　変われるまま
Nani hitotsu mo kawareru mama
As nothing changes

何もかもが　悲しいほど　変わって行く
Nani mo kamoga kanashii hodo kawatte iku
Anything and everything sadly changes



(Let’s shake the world)踊れ　命がけ
Let’s shake the world odore inochigake
Let’s shake the world, dance for your life

(Love you ＆ me)愛し　愛され
Love you & me aishi aisare
Love you & me, love and be loved

叶わない愛で　いいのさ
Kanawanai ai de ii nosa
Unrequited love is fine

愛し続ける　LOVE　革命
Aishi tsuzukeru LOVE kakumei
I will continue to love you, love revolution



(I love you shake)愛こそ　革命
I love you shake aikoso kakumei
I love you shake, only love is a revolution

(Around the world)愛し　愛され
Around the world aishi aisare
Around the world, love and be loved

悔やんでも　夢は永遠
Kuyande mo yume wa eien
This dream is unfortunately eternal

この愛こそが　LOVE　革命
Kono aikoso ga LOVE kakumei
Only this love is a love revolution



(Let’s shake the world)踊れ　命がけ
Let’s shake the world odore inochigake
Let’s shake the world, dance for your life

(Love you ＆ me)愛し　愛され
Love you & me aishi aisare
Love you & me, love and be loved

叶わない愛で　いいのさ
Kanawanai ai de iinosa
Unrequited love is fine

愛し続ける　LOVE　革命
Aishi tsuzukeru LOVE kakumei
I will continue to love you, love revolution



これ以上　見つめあったら　叶わないのさ　革命
Kore ijou mitsume attara kanawanai nosa kakumei
It'll be an unfulfilled revolution if we gaze at each other more than this

[BakaCrisis]

Wow.... I wish I could understand that.

[denwa]

?
You don't understand English?

Thanks for the help, by the way.

[Nagoyankee]

I think you have done a pretty good job overall. Allow me to point out a few items that I'm not quite convinced that you understood correctly.

1. The first four lines constitute only one sentence. You translated it as two, with the subject being 二人 for each of the two sentences. In the original, it's only one sentence with the subject being 果てない想い.

2. Same 'mistake' (if I may call it a mistake) with Verse 3. It's only one sentence in the original but you're soemhow seeing three. If this is intentional, then I won't argue since it's art. Just want to make sure you understood it was one sentence.

3. Are you sure that the origianal actually says 幸せなと　知らないまま? Also, 押しも出されながら?

4. In Verse 7, where does "opposing authority" come from? Nothing even close to it is in the original.