English to Japanese Translation Tweaking

[filiadragongurl]

Hi everyone

I offered to help someone with some translations for a fanmade project regarding Fate/Stay Night. They want one of the characters, Assassin, to speak entirely in Japanese, however, the producer of the project knows zero Japanese. I took 4 years of Japanese in college, so I thought I'd be at least better than a google translator or something, but the lines he wants are a bit more complicated than I was prepared for.

The character Assassin is supposed to be a legendary spirit of Sakaki Kojiro (Sasaki Kojirō - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) so he speaks like a samurai.

I've translated the lines to the best of my ability and was hoping I could get some feedback from you all.

So far this is just the audition process, so there are only 3 lines. The first two are straight from the anime and I'm fairly sure I copied them down right, but have included them to help give a feel for the character. The third line is really what I need help on.

1. E: "That's the way to go. Now, let's duel, Saber."
J: "Sore de yoi, de wa hatashiaou zo, Saber"

2. E: "Ready your stance, else you shall die, Saber."
J: "Kamae yo, samonakuba shinu zo, Saber"

3. E: "Caster, I will put it as elequantly as I can. You should be grateful I am bound to someone like you, if circumstances were different, I would have beheaded you before you finished wagging your tongue."

J: "Caster, umaku iu to omae mitai na hito to keiyaku wo kawashita koto kanshashite-te yo. Kyouchi ga chigattara omae no kuchi wo aketa mae ni sugu kakushimashita."



Any (positive) feedback is welcome I would really like to know if the Japanese I wrote is grammatically correct/makes sense in the first place and also what I can do to change it to be closer to the English sentence.

Thanks guys!!

[jesselt]

Didn't you learn Kana and Kanji in your four years of study?

[OzukakiBurasuki]

You can probably see if someone from beast's lair will help you since they are type-moon orientated. (btw Fate/Stay Night is my favorite anime/manga/visual novel)

[KyleGoetz]

Originally Posted by filiadragongurl

Hi everyone

I offered to help someone with some translations for a fanmade project regarding Fate/Stay Night. They want one of the characters, Assassin, to speak entirely in Japanese, however, the producer of the project knows zero Japanese. I took 4 years of Japanese in college, so I thought I'd be at least better than a google translator or something, but the lines he wants are a bit more complicated than I was prepared for.

The character Assassin is supposed to be a legendary spirit of Sakaki Kojiro (Sasaki Kojirō - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) so he speaks like a samurai.

I've translated the lines to the best of my ability and was hoping I could get some feedback from you all.

So far this is just the audition process, so there are only 3 lines. The first two are straight from the anime and I'm fairly sure I copied them down right, but have included them to help give a feel for the character. The third line is really what I need help on.

1. E: "That's the way to go. Now, let's duel, Saber."
J: "Sore de yoi, de wa hatashiaou zo, Saber"

2. E: "Ready your stance, else you shall die, Saber."
J: "Kamae yo, samonakuba shinu zo, Saber"

3. E: "Caster, I will put it as elequantly as I can. You should be grateful I am bound to someone like you, if circumstances were different, I would have beheaded you before you finished wagging your tongue."

J: "Caster, umaku iu to omae mitai na hito to keiyaku wo kawashita koto kanshashite-te yo. Kyouchi ga chigattara omae no kuchi wo aketa mae ni sugu kakushimashita."



Any (positive) feedback is welcome I would really like to know if the Japanese I wrote is grammatically correct/makes sense in the first place and also what I can do to change it to be closer to the English sentence.

Thanks guys!!

I don't understand how someone who studied for four years at university automatically opts to use romaji. I can barely even read what you wrote because of that.

[Nagoyankee]

Originally Posted by filiadragongurl

Any (positive) feedback is welcome

That's like me saying:

"Could anyone correct my English sentence below? Any positive feedback is welcome!

「リバイビング・ローカル・エコノミーズ・アンド・イ ンプルービング・ザ・イフェクティブネス・オブ・ロー カル・アドミニストレーションズ・アー・インテグラル ・パーツ・オブ・ユー・エス・カウンターサージェンシ ー・ストラテジー」"

Could I expect to receive positive feedback from the English speakers on JF if I did this? Would you do it?

To all the romaji-users on JF, which are way too numenous to my dismay, always remember that if my "English" sentence above looks terrible and repulsive, that's exactly how romaji looks to the Japanese. Yes, ugly!

[filiadragongurl]

jeez... sorry guys... I used romaji because it's for someone who doesn't know any Japanese. Plus I happen to be bad at kanji seeing as I haven't used it in 3 years and our classes were more focused on speaking than writing anyway.

I was also afraid that I'd get responses in kanji and I wouldn't even be able to read it. I thought it would be okay because I gave the character information on how he should speak and I at least put some effort in rather than just asking straight up for a translation in English. I did have to look a lot of words up (I mean how often does "behead" come up in class!)

Anyway, I see your point, and not that I really expect anything better from the internet, but could you all have said it a little bit nicer? I feel like the community is ganging up on me, and I decided to ask for help here in the first place because I really like you guys and know you help out people who've put in some effort. I even got a nice PM out of the blue from nagoyankee once saying that he thought I was pretty good at Japanese.

My comp won't even let me write here in kanji anymore, so I've gone to a different program to write it and pasted it here. Not to mention I've already tried posting this once and my computer totally froze on me >.<


3. E: "Caster, I will put it as eloquently as I can. You should be grateful I am bound to someone like you, if circumstances were different, I would have beheaded you before you finished wagging your tongue."

R: "Caster, umaku iu to omae mitai na hito to keiyaku wo kawashita koto kanshashite-te yo. Kyouchi ga chigattara omae ga kaikou shita mae ni sugu kakushimashita."

J: カスターうまく言うとお前みたいな人と契約を交わした こと感謝しててよ。境地が違ったらお前が開口した前に すぐ馘しました。


Now that it is in kanji (which I can't even read half of, btw), can someone please help me out? If you respond in kanji, please give the reading as well.

Thank you.


Edit: I am well aware that the Japanese doesn't quite match the English. I would like to know if my Japanese makes sense in the first place, and would also like suggestions on how to make it closer to the English sentence.


Edit2: Nagoyankee, yes, I would help. I would say, I'm not sure what "saajenshi" is, but your grammer looks correct, and here is the sentence in English: "Reviving local economies and improving the effectiveness of local administrations are integral parts of U.S. counter(saajenshi) strategy." Then I would nicely mention that it would be easier for people to help if they wrote it in alphabetical English next time so that more people are able to read it and more willing to help.

[arishin]

J: "Caster, umaku iu to omae mitai na hito to keiyaku wo kawashita koto kanshashite-te yo. Kyouchi ga chigattara omae no kuchi wo aketa mae ni sugu kakushimashita."

I read your post.
I don't know what the situation you describe is/
So, I only guess.

1, 2, probably OK.
but 3 is something wrong.

the script is not normal use in japan.
"umaku iu to" sounds slightly wrong to me.

"umaku ie nai kedo" is useful in normal conversation.
"umaku ie nai kedo" mean "It's hard to say" " It's hard to describe"
(I cant find the word to describe)

"umaku iu to" is the contrary.
sentence may be right and possible.
but ... In the context, sound meaningless, If me, I don't use.

but I don't know Japanese grammar well.

"omae mitai na hito" mean
just like you
You is you but
someone just like you. is nice.
omae is you, but if you say
"omae mitai na hito" awaken me feeling that
speaker has some kind of emotion,
contempt or awe or respect. what kind of emotion he has is unsure.
It is depend on readers.

This is useful.
"omae mitai na hito mita koto nai."
I haven't seen someone just like you before.
"anata mitai na hito ni naritai"
I want to be someone just like you.

Speaker feel thank for making contract with Caster.
Caster might enemy, but Speaker respect him.
That stand for mixed feeling.
"So You should grateful" is not unsure.
But I don't know how to say in English.

Kyouchi ga chigattara omae no kuchi wo aketa mae ni sugu kakushimashita
this phrase is stranger.
especially "kakushimashita"
omae sound rough
but kakushimashita suddunly polite and civil speaking

Oh, It's time to sleep.
see you.

Good night.

[filiadragongurl]

Thank you for the reply and trying to help. I'm not quite sure I understood everything you were trying to say, but to make the situation more clear, in Fate/Stay night, epic heros are summoned by magicians in order to participate in a war together to obtain the Holy Grail.

It is a master servant relationship where Assassin (the speaker here) is the servant, and Caster (who he is speaking about/to) is the master. He doesn't like Caster very much and is trying to say so, but he also has this servant relationship with her, so is being at least somewhat polite. Caster apparently is a motormouth and is alway talking, which annoys Assassin to no end.

I realize that saying omae sounds rough and kakushimashita sounds suddenly polite, but I wasn't sure how to fluidly get the feelings/relationship described above. If you have a suggestion on how to fix it, please let me know.

Please also note that I slightly changed the third line because I found a word for "opening one's mouth." It is now "kaikou shita" or 開口した. (Actually, I'm not sure if it goes with "suru"... I just assume it does because kaikou sounds like a noun for "open mouth") This is also not exactly what the English asked for, but it was referring to her speaking constantly, so I went with this since it was something as close as I could think of.


Also, I was trying to capture "I will put it as eloquently as I can" with "umaku iu to"(うまく言うと)... it was all I could think of... Again, any suggestions for a change to make it better would be great.

with "omae mitai na hito"(お前みたいな人) I was going for "someone like you" since the English I am going from is "I am bound to someone like you". He's saying that he hates people like Caster and would have killed her if they were not bound by the servant-master relationship in the Holy Grail War.

[arishin]

I'm sorry. I finally realize... is ..
One thing I realize is I had made mistake.
You are translating English to Japanese.
You are not translating Japanese to English.
I was concentrating on reading but i made mistake carelessly.
To be honestly,
This was my first try that i write message board in English.
I was trying to translate your japanese into english.
I'm sorry again.

OK.
It's very fun to read and write in English.
Thank you for your patient.

One thing i want to make sure is "I will put it as elequantly as I can."
is He going to say something clearly? isn't he?

put it = say?

"Caser はっきり言わせてもらえばな！おまえみたいなやつにく っついてやってる事に
感謝するべきだとおもうぜ、もし状況が違ったらなお前 がごちゃごちゃ言う前にとっくに
お前の首はねてたぜ”

Caser hakkiri iwasete moraebana omae mitaina yatsuni kuttuite yatteru
koto ni kansya suru beki dato omou ze.
moshi joukyou ga chigattara na omae ga gocha gocha iu mae ni tokku ni
omae no kubi hanetetaze

but I don't know how the assassin speak like.

I will look for the video, tommorow.
Thank you.

[filiadragongurl]

omg, I can't believe I forgot about "hakkiri"!! Thank you very much It has been a few years since I've really practiced Japanese... I try to pull it out every once in a while, but as you can see, I'm starting to forget the obvious stuff T-T

EDIT: Is this maybe a little better? I tried to use elements of your sentence in mine.

R: Caster, hakkiri iwasete morau yo. omae mitai na yatsu to keiyaku wo kawashita koto wo kansha suru beki darou. moshi kyouchi ga chigattara omae ga kaikou shita mae ni sugu kakusu zo.

J: キャスタはっきり言わせてもらうよ. お前みたいなやつと契約を交わしたことを感謝するべき だろう。もし境地が違ったらお前が開口する前に すぐ隠すぞ。