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06-23-2007, 12:25 PM
ok other part of it since the first one was too long..
"Sarah?" I heard a familiar voice call my name.I turned to see it was one of my childhood friends who moved right after freshman year."Patrick!" I squeeled as I practically choked him from my hug."Oh my GOD it's been forever! You look so great and you got sideburns!" I said gawking at his facial hairs."Yeap I sure did",he said rubbing his face."Just look at you! You look amazing! What have you done while I was away and got facial hair?",he asked."Well.I'm in a band,I'm working on my novel still.." Patrick intterupted me,"Oh you mean that one book A Dream Only The Heart Can Follow?" "Yeah that one,I've had massive writters block but the main character is in collage now." "Ok now you what have you been doing?",I asked him. "Well like you I am currently in a band.I play guitar and sing.." I interrupted him this time."Really? Wow me too.Except I gave up on guitar,I mean I still play it but I just don't play it in my band." "Small world huh?" he said,"but other than that nothing much has happened.Oh I brought everyone down to meet you. My bassist James said that you are beautiful and he wants to meet you in person." I stared at him,mouth agape."You are joking right? Patrick please tell me you are joking!" "Nope I'm totally serious this time." I stood there and just stared at him."He's looking for a place down here and he's tired of looking for now so he just wants to goof off and relax,so all of us are going to the mall tomorrow.You wanna come?" "Um,I'll think about it Pat. What time are you all planing to go?" "Um,we haven't figured that part out yet,but I'll call you and let you know ok?" "Ok",I said. "So I'll...I mean we'll see you tomorrow?" "I'll let you know tomorrow." I took out a pen and an old reciept from my hoodie and scribbled my cell number down for him.I handed it to him and left. I called my dad again and told him I was on my way home.He just sat there and said "Ok Sarah.Are you ok?",he asked trying to care."Yeah dad I'm fine." I hung up,got in the car,started it,and drove off.When I pulled up it was nearly 8:45.My dad must've heard me drive up and walked outside.He just stared at me as I walked inside to get warm.I took off my jacket and put it on the coat rack.My dad looked at me and asked "So how'd the tire bust?" "I don't know I guess I put too much air in it." I gave him a blank look and walked upstairs.When I got to the top of the stairs I saw my older brother Micheal sitting on his bed drawing in his sketchbook.He's the best brother ever.He beat the shit out of any guy who has ever harassed me or tried to hurt me in any way and always gave me advice.He was my brother,but I loved him like a dad."Mike guess who I ran into today." "Who?" I punched him in the shoulder."Dumbass I told you to guess." "Um,I don't know who?" "Patrick!" "Oh you mean that kid you used to hang with that moved?" "Duh I only know one Patrick.He wants to hang tomorrow so yeah..I'm gonna go hang out with him for a bit." "Ok lil sis just watch it! I don't want you to get hurt,I already lost one sister and I don't want to loose the other." On my way to my room I stopped at my sister's old room and went inside.I looked at her trophies and her mountain of stuffed animals.I started to cry so I walked out and went to my room.I looked in my nightstand and pulled out the letter that she wrote to me a few days before she commited suicide and read it.I cried myself to sleep that night like so many nights. The next morning I awoke to the sound of my alarm clock.I yawned and got some clothes together.I got up and got in the shower.I put on my favorite outfit,my ripped low cut jeans and my Misfits shirt.I stared at myself in the mirror,my shirt glided right over my thin stomach and covered the marks on my arms while my jeans made my butt look good.While I was putting my make-up on my cell rang.It was Patrick.I picked it up. "Hello? Patrick?" "Hi ok yeah this is the right number.Um,we are leaving in a bit so yeah I guess we'll see you there? If we don't find you in about 20 minutes then I'm calling you to find out where the hell you are." I laughed and hung up.I called my friend Claire to see if she wanted to go.She said yes but to give her a minute to get ready.I pulled up to her house and sure enoug Patrick called. "Hello?" "Where are you?" "Sorry I am picking up a friend but I'll be there in a few and then you guys can just look for me." "Grrr,Ok bye." He hung up and Claire walked out.She got in the car and they drove off. "So tell me about this guy Pat wants you to meet." "Well I don't know much about him except that his name is James,he is looking for a place out here to live,and he told Patrick that I am beautiful." Claire squeeled in joy,"Oh my geeze that's awesome!" When we got to the mall I turned my phone off and stuffed it in my jeans.I lifted myself out of the seat.I looked down at my feet to see if my Converse were dirty...well dirtier then what they were already.We locked the doors of my mustang and walked inside trying to be secretive.With no sign of them we headed straight for Starbucks.Claire got a cookie and I got a slice of lemon pound cake and a caramel frappuccino.Since I didn't eat breakfast.We sat there for a minutes and when we were done straight to Hot topic it was. Once inside we were instantly amazed by all the beautiful jewelry and corsets,but I couldn't help but feel that I was being watched. In the midst I felt as if someone was watching me.I turned around but nobody was looking at me.I looked around until the cashier looked at me like I was an idiot.When I finally stopped looking a hand grabbed my shoulder.I felt my whole body tense up as I went to an instant attack mode.I went to slap the person,but when I turned I stopped. It was Patrick.He started laughing as a calmed down." There you are! I have been looking everywhere for you." I punched him. "You jerk what the hell was that for?You could've given me a heartattack." I calmed down. "Come with me the others are in the food court." zakuro iro... toge wo sashite anata wa kieru 
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06-24-2007, 07:20 AM
lol, what happen to Amy? did he have a car accident or probably kidnap?
Ok, here is my sincere comment!!!  please don't hate me!!Overall, it is a very detail decriptive, but it still can be better if you don't put too many detail on so not really important stuff and try to impress the reader with the important part, therefore you can get your most important message to the reader without overload them!!! But seriously, i don't know cause i don't really read novels, actually this can be seen as the first one that i read . So if i am wrong tell me!!! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzFOR THOSE WHO BELEIVE THAT HEAVEN REALLY EXIST, THERE IS A WAY TO HEAVEN My JF Family Brother of ToKyObOxRoBoT, Nightmare Cousin of Jo_Kittie Great Grand Father of lollijenn Uncle of Hentaro
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06-24-2007, 07:23 AM
trust me this is just a rough copy and i'm making things up as i go
what happens to Amy is coming up next i don't hate you for it you told me how you felt and honestly i still think the other one is better but like i said it is a rought outline and i'll be making changes late but right now i'm just worried about the overall plot and what happens zakuro iro... toge wo sashite anata wa kieru
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06-24-2007, 07:31 AM
ah!!!.... it is a rough draft!! i see!!!
can hardly wait for it!!! keeep it up tho!!! not many people can write this good , at least not me!!!but seriously, why don't you continue to write more of the horror story since it have a very interesting begining!!! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzFOR THOSE WHO BELEIVE THAT HEAVEN REALLY EXIST, THERE IS A WAY TO HEAVEN My JF Family Brother of ToKyObOxRoBoT, Nightmare Cousin of Jo_Kittie Great Grand Father of lollijenn Uncle of Hentaro
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06-24-2007, 07:34 AM
well i posted the rest of the first one if you didn't read it....
oh yeah i'm writting more on the other one now... but i'm not gonna post it until i feel that it is ready to be posted..... oh yeah...go back to the second page and see what i wrote after your first comment... zakuro iro... toge wo sashite anata wa kieru
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06-24-2007, 07:39 AM
Quote:
but agian who said vampire can't have Fur!!! no one actuaally saw it or alive after that!!!  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzFOR THOSE WHO BELEIVE THAT HEAVEN REALLY EXIST, THERE IS A WAY TO HEAVEN My JF Family Brother of ToKyObOxRoBoT, Nightmare Cousin of Jo_Kittie Great Grand Father of lollijenn Uncle of Hentaro
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06-24-2007, 07:41 AM
like i said give me a good idea and i can make a sequel
or i could just create another story either way it keeps me busy.... zakuro iro... toge wo sashite anata wa kieru
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06-24-2007, 07:45 AM
you can even write a book!!! i will be the first one to buy!!!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzFOR THOSE WHO BELEIVE THAT HEAVEN REALLY EXIST, THERE IS A WAY TO HEAVEN My JF Family Brother of ToKyObOxRoBoT, Nightmare Cousin of Jo_Kittie Great Grand Father of lollijenn Uncle of Hentaro
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06-24-2007, 07:53 AM
so, the main chracter in there is you then!!!
lol, i would love to here your songs tho!!! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzFOR THOSE WHO BELEIVE THAT HEAVEN REALLY EXIST, THERE IS A WAY TO HEAVEN My JF Family Brother of ToKyObOxRoBoT, Nightmare Cousin of Jo_Kittie Great Grand Father of lollijenn Uncle of Hentaro
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