Marry ^^
 

Hi^^

I have a Japanese girlfriend in Japan, and come to Japan myself in July 2010 :)
And, we want to marry as soon as possible, I know I am young, she is 2 or 3 years older than me, but thats okay for both of us. And her parents also like me, and she wants to come and visit me again in November, this year. I just wanted to ask you, how it is to be married in live in Japan? I am so curious and cant wait, the church and everything is already booked for next year July^^
Thanks for any tips and/or experiences you tell me and so on :)

"Early marriage is a key predictor of later divorce. Nearly half of people
who marry under age 18 and 40 percent under age 20 end up divorced. It's
only 24 percent for people who marry after age 25."
-Atlanta Journal Constitution

Slow down, man. You are 17 years old. Have you even been to Japan? How much time have you and your girlfriend actually spent together? You literally have your whole lives to do this, and you've already booked a church? Where are you going to live? What are you going to do for a living? What is she going to do? It appears higher education is not in your plans, so how do you plan on working?

You aren't even old enough to buy a pack of cigarettes or a pint of beer and you're already thinking of marriage?

Are you sure you want to end your sex life at 18? :eek:

"The highest rate of divorce in the 2001 survey was 41 percent for men who were then between the ages of 50 to 59, and 39 percent for women in the same age group."

Taken from The New York Times http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/19/health/19divo.html

You're asking valid questions, but there's no need to act hostile. Perhaps he has plans for everything already? It's really easy to judge young engaged couples without knowing anything about them, but we should give him the benefit of the doubt.

To answer the OP's question; I've never been married in Japan, but I imagine that it's not much different from being married and living in a western country. If you plan on living in Japan I would start learning Japanese and plan on attending a University there after you are able to. If you are going to be living together (as opposed to with her parents) then I would expect it to be very tough. You would need to get a full time job (you wont be able to get a very good one without a college degree) to afford your rent, which is going to make school very difficult as well. Another option would be to just work while she goes to school, then begin school after she has finished and has a job.

As you've undoubtedly seen, the biggest tip I can give is never starting this thread in the first place. No matter how well-reasoned, thought out, and steady the plan is, the majority's instinct is to gleefully tear down every little thing in record time.

It's exactly what I've come to expect from certain thread discussions, which saddens me.

But how many of those are on a second, or third marriage, which also has a higher rate of divorce?

Hostile? I don't think I did anything hostile. I did not insult him, and only asked the most basic questions I hope his parents, friends, and teachers are asking him now.
Plans for everything? He came to a forum to ask about married life to a bunch of strangers. I would give the benefit of doubt in the opposite direction.

Researchers say that the small drop in the overall divorce rate is caused by a steep decline in the rate among college graduates. As a result, a "divorce divide" has opened up between those with and without college degrees, said Dr. Steven P. Martin, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Maryland.

(From your same article)

If the desire is to live your life with your girlfriend, why handicap yourself and your future family by not going to college when you can?

If the desire is to live in Japan, again, graduate from high school, go to college, and go. Japan isn't going any where.

Whether it's getting married at 17 or getting 遊女 tattooed on your back because you think it means "playgirl", reality checks are reality checks.

You can call it "tearing down" if you want to, but I didn't sign anything that says I can't call foul if I see one.

Dysfunctional norms, I suppose. I was just pointing out that if the OP wanted suggestions about his situation, coming here wasn't one of the good ones.

Guys, guys, guys. Come on. Seriously?

He asked a simple question, he didn't want to be lectured. If he wants to get married at 18, then he should get married at 18. MMM, don't mean to speak out against you about anything, but I don't think it's yours, mine, this persons parents, friends, or anyone else's place to tell him when to or when not get married. If he wanted that kind of information, he would have asked for it.

As for your question, getting married and settling down in Japan is what I plan on doing as well. It is closest you will ever get to the actual Japanese lifestyle, because you will be living the Japanese lifestyle. No English teaching program can do that for you, as much as they say they can.

The only advise I can give you, is become very very educated in Japanese language, as well as culture, if you love this girl, then you should devote all your time into her culture, as it will become your culture.

I'm in the same boat as you, so I know where your coming from, my girlfriend is Japanese, and older than me, more older than I'm comfortable saying here on a forum.

Wish you all the best luck, and congratulations, man.

Graduating from high school and college does not promise you a life in Japan.

Yesterday a guy came on and made a new thread asking if 幸愛 were the correct kanji for "happiness" and "love". I could have said "yes" and been done with it, but instead I added the information that put together they read the girl's name Sachie or Sachika (among others).

So he got more information than he asked for, but guess who isn't getting 幸愛 tattooed on his back anymore.

Those are American numbers. On the other hand, the divorce rate for international marriages in Japan is 1 in 2.5 marriages according to the Japan times.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be in a position where I had to depend on my spouse to teach me everything from using the toilet to riding the subway. I'd do my best to become self sufficient in the foreign country of my choice before I'd consider marriage.

Of course that's just me. I'm hoping the OP has taken all facets of this serious commitment into consideration.

You're a Japanese translator. You do it for a living. You should have told him the correct kanji, like you did. This isn't translating Japanese. This a kid's decision about what he want's to do with his life. I respect your opinion. But I'm sticking to my own, and personally, I hope this individual follows through with this plan, I see no fault in it.

There are subjects in which you give people advise, who and when to marry is not one of them. And that's all I have to say about this.

I wonder what the rate is for international marriages between people under the age of 20.

If he is 17 and doesn't live in Japan, and she is 19 and does, how much actual time could they have possibly have spent together? A couple weeks? A month? At all? I don't know, so I am not going to guess, but my spidey-senses tell me it isn't enough time for someone who isn't even fully physically or mentally an adult to make a decision on.

It's funny how my experience and maturity is important for tattoos, but for actually important life-change decisions it is not.

I know YOU don't see any fault in his plan. Because you are his age. I am a little older and have seen a few more things. And now I see a car possible headed for a cliff, so pardon me if I try to waive him off.

I completely agree with you but then again, I'm over twice the age of the OP and I'd like to think that I'm a lot wiser as well.

I still remember the crush I had on my first girlfriend in high school. We constantly talked about getting married and running off without a care for this world. Thankfully, we listened to our parents who told us that they'd support us 100% if we still felt that way after we graduated from university.

Of course by then, we realized that the world was at our disposal as we decided to go our separate ways. She became a doctor and traveled the world as she volunteered her medical services. I became an extreme athlete and corporate puppet.

We're still the best of friends but we both laugh at how close we came to limiting our options at such a young age.

Your experience and maturity is not important for tattoos. Your knowledge of Japanese language is important for tattoos. I respect you probably more than anyone else here on this forum, but I can't bring myself to agree with what you're saying.

I bet somewhere some statistics say something like "85% of people who smoke will die of smoking related diseases" Does that mean everyone who smokes will die of smoking related diseases? No, not at all.

Because someone said in the New York Times that marriages usually don't work at young ages, that they never do? Marriages don't work sometimes, it's a part of life, and there is no way of knowing if it will work or not. But it's not your place, the New York Time's statistics, or anyone else's to express if they think it will or not. These kids might get married and grow to hate each other, or they can live until they're seven hundred and ninety years old still as in love with each other.

With all due respect, as far as I know, you're not a Psychic. He wasn't asking if you think his marriage will work or not. And it's not our place to judge, MMM.

It might, it might not.

Does that make smoking a good idea?

I don't think MMM was TELLING him that it will not work. Its just a suggestion based on facts and figures. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, no where did I see MMM saying "It won't work, don't do it". It was a mere suggestion of "slow down and think twice"

I would do the same and make the same suggestion if he didn't beat me to it.

First, let me say congratulations and I wish you well!

It seems to me that no one is really trying to tell the OP what he can or can't do, rather they are offering their advice based on their individual experiences. (I see now that godwine beat me to this point, but I'll post it anyway.)

Because it just seems kind of morbid to quote divorce rates to a starry-eyed young man planning for his marriage, I will take a different approach to the same basic end. Love isn't something that needs to be rushed; if it's there, it will still be there a couple years down the line.

I'm sure that moving to a foreign country must be a huge stressor (even just moving to a new city is), and I know that marriage is. So are: pursuing an education, starting a career path, and supporting yourself in the world for the first time.

What I'm saying is that there is no reason to put your relationship through all of those stressors, all at once. Move to Japan, go to school, start a career, put down some roots -- all the while your relationship can develop into something even deeper than it is now, as you look forward to your future together. When you've got more stability, marry her.

More time never hurts.

(I will add that one of my best friends got married right out of high school and is still married, and happy, 22 years later.)

No, It does not.

You have a right to think whatever you want to think. You might think the marriage will crumble and fall apart within weeks. You have all the power in the world to think this. And you might even be right. But that does NOT give you right to express this to the the individual. Despite how much "maturity" and "experience" you have.

That's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it.

And now I'll leave this thread for good, since we both have our different opinions, there is no point in rubbing them in eachother's faces.

You're right! He did not say "it wont work"
But I also never heard the OP ask for anyone's opinions, so I don't think these opinions should be voiced.

Please, Alan, cut the drama. I never said anything like that. I asked a series of questions...that is all. If there is anything illegitimate about any of the questions I asked in my response to the OP, then please, let me know.

I think if you post on a public forum inviting discussion, then you have to expect some discussion to occur, whether it's necessarily what you want to hear or not. Straight up telling people what to do isn't fair since no one can know the OP's exact circumstances, but it doesn't seem like anyone is doing anything more than offering their advice based on logic and figures.

Back to the original question though, I'm curious about gender roles in a Japanese marriage. Is the husband still supposed to be the primary bread-winner, or do both husband and wife usually work? Do couples often get married but remain dependent on their parents? What kind of expectations are there of a foreign husband/wife?

I Think those days numbered.

It still happens for the higher aged, certainly in places like Kyoto or Nara, but I would say that's an exception to the rest.

To get the REAL statistics you would have to take a survey from the streets.

To answer your query in regards to patrents dependancy after marriage, I've can't imagine and have never personally seen a situation, althgough it may happen, possibly leaning more towards dysfunctional.

The expectations of husband and wife, I think I will drop your word "foreign", would be, work hard, make money, enjoy what you do, spend quality family time together on days off and also make an effort during the week as much as possible, and possibly plenty of sex, although once again that depends on the partners feelings.

Hope I summarized my two cents welll enough for you.

I agree withh MMM.

You are definitely jumping the gun and from your post, it sounds as if you are still very much in hte "excitement" and "romance" phase.

If you are going to live in Japan, which as a non Japanese is going to be a HUGE cultural challenge, give yourself at least five years, and then start thinking.

My advice, stay single and bring your kids up the same way;)

Thank god for that:eek:

hahah!
cute:mtongue:

I can tell your very wise mature, and experienced, and definitely know what you're talking about by this post!:)

I can't see why anyone wouldn't take your advise! :o

If the original poster`s desire to marry his girlfriend is destroyed by the simple suggestion to slow down and think deeply about the decision - he should be reconsidering.
All the things MMM asked in the first post were completely valid. I don`t read them as cutting the poster down or crushing dreams, but more like inserting a dose of reality into things. And, as I point out above, if a dose of reality is enough to kill the relationship... It NEEDED it as quickly as possible.

If MMM had said "You shouldn`t marry her because she`s Japanese!" or "You should go for someone better!" etc - then it would have been out of line. But to simply suggest the poster thinks about the scale and significance of this decision? That should be something welcomed if the original poster is serious about things. Virtually no one wants to hear negativity, but I think that lives are a whole lot better off if you know what you`re getting into and the worst case scenarios. You can actually plan and be prepared so that some of the issues can be avoided... At the very least, it can give you something to brag about if you never hit those expected snags.

But hey, alanX - if you want to jump into something blindly, go for it! Just don`t assume that ignorance is the preferred path for everyone else out there.

Short of major necessity, it`s still the norm for the husband to be the provider. It is still considered totally normal for the wife to quit her job indefinitely once married, and if not then as soon as they have a child. The housewife/homemaker/whatever you want to call it is pretty much the most desired situation for the majority of women.
Not that there aren`t working mothers, etc, but most of it is part time "spending money" level. Supporting a household is very rare.

No, not really. While it isn`t that uncommon for married couples to live with one side`s family (90% of the time the husband`s) after marriage, it`s usually either a temporary thing until they can find somewhere good to live... Or the son is going to take over the family home. True dependency is pretty rare.

The same expectations as there are toward a domestic husband/wife.

Let's not forget, that for example, the Japanese culture is very strong, and a different involved culture partner needs to fully understand and appreciate this as much as possible within the relationship, and if not, try at least to make reason and communicate non aggresively.

The same applies to the partner whether they be Mexican, Mongolian, Australian, Bristish or Chinese, example only.

I mean, we all have stereotypes even if we don't like to admit it.

My current partner is current, I am 41, she 36.

I have never known anything about Korean culture but boy am I finding out!

A regular converstaion now seems to be related Japanese and Korean people and just how different they are.

Come to my home, the first thing you notice is a Japanese sign on my front door asking one to please remove their shoes before entering.

Go into the garden and you see another sign on the wall in Japanese asking one to please not urinate on the wall!

On top of my living room display cabinet is a Japanese tapestry of a Geisha type female character.

My two year old Kai is half Japanese.

The pens, cameras, washing line, drinking glasses, kitchen knives, chopsticks, etc. are from Japan.

Sit on my toilet and you are offered a Game Boy Micro from japan to play with!

To recharge it for the 110-240v, you get a Japanese addorned heavy duty transformer!

My 2008 Subaru Impreza gets a Japanese sticker on the back that states "Fuji Heavy Industries" (In Kanji)

The side window states, "Dokdo is Korean Territory"

Now, I have to admit that the Japanese merchndise side of things is winning, although to the quiet and obvious disatisfaction of my partner:cool:

As for me, I'm fine as I am very culturally minded, understanding and adapt in all directions.

Now, getting back to the original topic, the culture gap whether related to age or country culture I think is a very important aspect in regards to the marriage as I know only to well.

My biggest problem is, if it is a problem is that I am a fiar dinkum Aussie, no holes barred, although I feel it is me by myself that is respecting all the other cultures, although I am not getting the same back in return..

Thanks Nyorin, ozkai. Leading on from those answers, I would assume that it would be difficult a 17 year old without a highschool diploma, a degree, fluency in Japanese, work experience or savings to marry and support a wife? I suppose if the OP's girlfriend is working she could support him while he takes on a more domestic role, but that tends to be frowned upon in Western society and it looks like Japanese take a similar view. How difficult would it be for a foreigner with a spousal visa to find the kind of work that doesn't require a degree or Japanese skills?

I'm not saying it's impossible or that people need to stick to traditional gender roles, but it's important to keep in mind that going against the grain and financial issues can put a lot of stress on a relationship.

I think thats its his decision not anyone elses. If he wants to do it then go ahead but make sure your willing to stick with her for the rest of your life. If it ruins your life then its your own fault and problem.

Hi Chisa:

I can't really answer that now as it's been close to five years now since I resided for a total of six years.

In my time, it was very simple and I was amazed after applying for my first job, being successful in landing a full time English teaching position at 285,000 YEN a month.

The scariest part was, I had no idea how to teach!

My first class on the first day was eight kids!

they were swinging on the light fittings, climbing all over me, pulling the hairs out my home, hitting my private part, sticking pencils up my backside, it was literally out of control!

I soon leanrt the words in favour of the mother's when they came to pick their kids up.

Of course, I soon found out that I was not unique as far as English teachers in Japan went, and also found out that other's could handle it, or fail and ultimately leave Japan.

My wife was Japanese, I was on a very easy to obatin spouse visa, I guess we were set to lead a normal life somewhat being married and the likes, so I had to have a serious talk to myself and say "Elliot, you have to learn fast"

As time rolled on, I came up with new ways of teaching, learning from other's, teacher "trainer" friends from Nova, etc., and it got to a stage where I was good, infact, fantastic at teaching kids, and I had achived my goal.

After this stage, having such a large number of foreigners in Japan teaching and doing a bloody shocking job without results, it became easy for me to obtain employment in the industry, the door was always open, and the salary/money side of things became my call as the bosses new the choices.

So getting back to your original question, I originally had no skills whatsoever in teaching, the jobs were very easy to get without the skill, and I also found that having a spouse visa was a healthy help as the schools knew that your visa wouldn't be a problem being married to a Japanese national.

My wife was a mental health nurse at a hospital.

Our combined income felt rich, and we did lead a lavish life, travelling abroad twice a year with no expense spared, and I spel my life shooping at all the good stores for food and wants in Kyoto city.

Now, I have no idea what it is like in Japan job wise. Different areas of Japan would also be important with hte job factor as some areas are difficult to attract foreigners, so the employment may be better, whilst in the larger city's of Tokyo and Osaka, it may be more difficult due to the excess of foreigners all wanting the same jobs..

Just my two cents..:ywave:

LMAO ! :D :D :D Were talking about PADLOCKS !!!

A 17-year-old's job is to graduate from high school and then go to college or vocational training. At 17 of course you feel like an adult, but ask any 22 year old if they are a different person than they were at 17 and invariably the answer is "yes". I would say if you ask almost any person if they are a different person from 22 to 27 I would say most would say "yes". I sure would.

How hard would it be for, let's just say, an 18-year-old with a spousal visa and no University degree. Chances are just as hard as a Japanese 18-year-old. No one is going to hire an 18-year-old to be a teacher, foreigner or not. Most of my friends in Japan who were young and only graduated from high school were (and are) 土方 (dokata). These are construction workers. Now for me this was after the Great Hanshin Earthquake, so maybe there was a greater need at the time. Of course there is nothing wrong with construction work if that is what you are into and enjoy, and certainly many people do, but if that isn't your bag, why would you limit yourself to that. Obviously you need to have the skills and strength required to do that.

There would be no need for someone to be a "Mr. Mom" and stay home while the wife worked if there were no kids in the equation.

I have never heard anyone on this forum take this stance about a ill-conceived kanji tattoo, so why would people take the same stance about teenagers getting married?

Yes, it is possible they will survive. It is also possible to survive jumping from a five-story window. Does that mean it si a good idea?

no it doesnt make it a good idea but its his life and choice not ours. so if he wants to ruin his life then let him.

this arguement is still going on?!:eek:

It's a forum, Kenpachi. We talk about things. No one ever told anyone what to do or what not to do.

Bleach vs. Naruto "arguments" have lasted much longer.

I would hardly call this an argument. And you're right MMM, there's something we can both agree on!

But please don't stop this discussion! I find it very interesting to read peoples opinions on this subject.

thats very sad.....

anyway, time for a cliche analogy.."you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink"....sooo this argument is kinda.......... continue though...im not trying to stop you^.^ just surprised

what surprises you?

boa! so many replies while i slept! :eek: haha

well, i have planned a lot already, i am not the one who says: lets do it, and see, what we do next^^;; hah

i have planned where to live, where to work, i even have already a job there, my gilrfriend helped me for that, and also i have my drivers lisence and a car we share and we fit together so great, we dont want "sex-life" or such a thing, we want the real life, together, where we both work for the family and afters ome years get children and her parents also support me, and mine too a little.
we have thought about marrying nearly a year by now, and we both agree, she is also not the kind of girl who sucks out your money, she knows i am not rich, and she knows also how to be a perfect housewife, but of course i will assist her a lot, never let her do the work alone :)
so, any more questions from you? if not, just tell me your experience as i wanted, as i actually asked for this in this thread^^;;;; haha thanks anyway for everything by now :)