Japanese views on dating
 

Ok im new here guys so please be patient! i was just wondering what japanese views on dating are esp for the younger generation since in england it usually means ur sleeping together 99% of the time after a while, but considering the fact that the japanese culture seems more conservative (men wanting more domestic housewives etc) is it the same there?

thanks!

You raise an interesting questions, as we have been talking about the definition of "conservative" here recently.

From my observations, I think Japan is probably very similar to England in that respect.

What makes you think of Japanese society as more "conservative"?

I'm Japanese and I don't call it a relationship if I'm not sleeping with the girl after a while. I believe dozens of my friends, men and women, share the same view. And I'm not even young, approaching 40. And Japanese men who want their wife to be a housewife are a minority. In one pole, less than 1 out of 5 men wanted their wife to be a housewife.

Edit:
And yeah, there is a question of "what is conservative?" too. For example gay rights is a new and more liberal thing for westerners, but for Japanese, being gay or bisexual had been totally OK until the westerners brought in Christianity 150 years ago. Many Shoguns were bisexual or homosexual. So to us, it's wtf?

Good points. There are many more gay, cross-dressing and transgender performers and artists that you see on Japanese TV than you would ever see on American TV.

One example is Ikko.

I disagree that in England, going out with someone means you are automatically sleeping with them... maybe it depends what kind of crowd you hang out with... lol.

hmm, didnt know that, i guess just through what ive read and seen i thought japan was more 'conservative' (ie. no to teenage pregnancies, underage drinking etc like we have in the west) but i was obviously off the mark - my bad - we get a very filtered view on other cultures here in the west for the most part so we dont really know anything other then what were told unfortunately unless we actually go and see it for ourselves

i never said it did automatically i just said it was assumed 99% of the time - i dont think ive met alot of people who would ever think that you werent sleeping with someone who you'd been going out with for say like a year, they would think that was weird if you werent

Totally true. Old folks are more morally corrupted :p

Seriously, it depends, not so much on the generation, but merely how old you are too. I would have said different things when I was in my teens. Instead of 99%, it was more like 50%.

There certainly are teenage pregnancies. I seem to remember some very popular boy band members who have mothers only 15 or 16 years older than them.

I know a couple women who got married to their boyfriends after getting pregnant.

In terms of underage drinking, it happens, but the appeal is lower than it is in the west because alcohol is so accessible. There is less of the "forbidden fruit" aspect. Also kids can't drive, so you don't hear about teenage drinking and driving in Japan.

Very low teenage pregnancy rate compared to Britain and the US, but still at the same level as Netherlands and Denmark. And drinking? We were partying in Izakaya when we were in high-school :D Marijuana use is very rare though.

edited because I did not mean my message for Misa Misa. again my apologies.

I don't understand why you are reacting to Miss Misa's post this way. She is saying saying dating DOESN'T automatically mean a couple are sleeping together.

And can a woman not use a man for sex, too?

Now we have a British teenager, Japanese middle age man, and a British woman in her 70's, talking about Japanese views on dating (sorry other people I don't know or forgot where you are from). Who thought this would happen 10 years ago? Internet is great. I really mean it.

I think it's STD's, dogsbody70 ;)

The US is so massive that it's really regional, when it comes to some of that sort of thing. I'm from the Midwest, wich is more "Folksy" than the urban areas or the coasts, though not as "conservative" as the Deep South. Course I'm ex army, so that may have altered how I view things a tad.

I was married before coming to Japan so I have no direct experience of dating Japanese girls myself but I have plenty of single friends. One of the things I found a bit different here is that it seems to be considered boyfriend and girlfriend one has to ask "will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?". Until this question has been asked and accepted it's not really considered they are together and it would be acceptable for them to see other partners. They may well be having sex but without actually asking the question it's not really considered a close, monogamous relationship.
In Australia we really wouldn't actually ask that question anymore. It would generally be considered a little juvenile, school yard sort of thing. If you're dating and sleeping with someone it's just a given that you are together without explicity having to ask such a question.

Haha, I've got this from my girl friends before.
It means they are asking if you are OK if she announce that she and you are going out and should be considered as a couple in a social setting.

whoah, nice briefing

I personally admire your principles.:vsign:

Eh? I didn't even say anything... I said the exact opposite.

I said, just because someone is dating, doesn't mean they are having sex. Didn't say anything about sleeping around or anything, don't know where you got that from.

sorry about that-- my mistake I should have taken a quote from the person I was responding to. Please forgive me. it definitely wasn't YOu.

sorrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeee I am just useless at taking separate quotes

No Misa it wasn't you. I am old fashioned--- Not keen on promiscuity at all.

Maybe its because I was brought up in the dark ages-- no sex before marriage etc.

I believe in respect for each other-- I do worry about the STI's also.


For me Sex was something reserved for the person I truly loved---sleeping around is simply SEX-------------


but when unwanted babies are born-- ?

we have too many babies born to teenage girls here in UK--many of them schoolgirls- yet surely this generation is very aware of sex and what it means.

so at least I hope people who indulge do at least use safe sex, for everybody's sake.

I think relationships based soley on sex don't ever make it in the long run. When all the looks go out the window and the sexual urges start to get less and less as you get older, if you don't have a good base for the relationship you'll just start hating each other...off course this is if a relationship based soley on sex somehow becomes something more for example if a baby is thrown into the mix alot of people feel obligated to getting married and so on.

I personally prefare relationships that are took slower. I think that familiarity and honesty breed intimacy thus making the whole "sex" thing come second and the reason it is important is that you are being in a vulnerable state with the one person who trust enough to be vulnerable with.

That being said though when alcohol, exictment and hormones are mixed up into a nice cocktail it can effect even the strongest of willed people when they are in a particular state of mind.

forgive me for getting mixed up-- Please blame it on a SENIOR MOMENT. I get too many of those.


I suppose when we were religious and daren't have sex --

If in Japan there was no religious reasons not to have sex?


Really before the PILL-- which revolutionised sexual activity-- many women would get pregnant. before that apart from using the sheath-- women were scared simply because of risking pregnancy.-- and Cranks you are right re STD'S LOL.

There has always been nasty ones of those-- still are but AIDS had a big impact surely.


I do believe that every child that is born should be Planned-- which is easier with modern contraception--- But how many are actually Planned? I certainly wasn't. My mother got rid of me as soon as she could. Left me to a life in the so called "Care system."

You are absolutely right.

MMM

of course you are right-- as always LOL---- women of course Do Use Men. LOL

Relationships based solely on sex rarely make it in the short run, much less the long run. That's why they are usually called "a fling".



Thank you for bringing things back on topic. You are right, in Japan there are no religious reasons to not have premarital sex. I have never had a Japanese mother, so I don't know if they tell their sons and daughters to save themselves for marriage, but I have never heard that expression in Japan.

I have always wondered how you would go about asking someone out in japan, for example in Northern Ireland its usually through school, a friend or drinking. We NEVER walk up to someone on the street and ask for their number but I've heard that in America they would do that. Whats the "usual" way of developing a relationship with someone when your in the country

what about dancing. Many partners are met at dances of some kind

in my class one girl has a mother who gave birth when she was 16. didn't seem like a big deal to anyone.
most of my generation here has mothers who gave birth at 20, max 23. they lived in a time when simply "living" together for people who were dating wasn't acceptable in society so people had to get married. my mother was 22 i think when she married my dad. now for me it seems so early since im 19 and in now way im planing something like that until at least 25 - 30.

Very true, although whenever I'm dancing or anyone else is dancing around me they are either A: Friends or Family B: Drunk

That's deffinately true for the older generation, my own grandparents met at a dance, and I think most people of their generation did, but I don't know anyone under 40 that has met their long-term partner at a dance. Plus, aside from nightclubs, I don't think that people attend anything similiar to a 'dance' anymore . . . I could be wrong, and I'm sure there's an exception to every rule, but I don't think it's generally a way of meeting potential partners these days.

I have never heard of anyone walking up to someone in the street and asking for a phone number in the US. That would take real guts.

haha Maybe I heard wrong then ^_^ can't imagine anyone doing it myself

Is that right Robin. Our gr daughters go clubbing pretty often-- they have plenty of boyfriends.

it certainly used to be a way to meet the opposite sex. I imagine that in UNI there are plenty of those!!


Then socialising must be wonderful surely. I actually met my husband at an evening class-- doing Scottish dancing. We loved it-- and it used to be a major part of our lives as the children were growing up.

Also what about sport-- where both sexes enjoy the same sport as yourself.

also the work place? School, college? Local pub or club etc.

No doubt also social networking must also be a place to get to meet someone with similar interests.

what about business cards. Isn't that what the Japanese use to introduce each other and leave their personal information?

Maybe we should adapt that?

Sure, in business situations. I don't see young people exchanging business cards in night clubs.

Many moons ago--


when I was travelling back home on a train after a concert in London-- an RAF chap asked me for my details------------------ He rang the next day-- but I was too busy to go and meet him. HA HA.

have to commend dogsbody on your principles im defo of the view that sex can wait till after marriage! in england were now starting to get two extremes, those ppl who sleep around alot and those who completely want to put it off till after marriage, and to be honest the later gets more respect. i love it when women have attitudes like that esp when you see models like adriana lima come out and say she was a virgin till she got married (even if she lied) the fact that she said it made it ok to be hot and someone who wants to save themselves for marriage (usually ppl think if u havent done 'it' by a certain age its coz u cant get any) but she proved that wrong and attitudes are starting to change! more power to that way of thinking in my opinion!

i think all women shud make men wait till marriage that way men would have to marry women and not just sleep with them and leave them like most of them do.

btw i know this is a japan forum but does anyone know if the views differ in korea (south) and whether there are still arranged marriages in japan?
thanks

I can't speak for Korea but I think there is a general misconception about "arranged marriage" in Japan. So called "arranged marriage = お見合い" is more like a dating approved by parents and in most cases they are not really "arranged" to be married. Both potential groom and bride get kind of like a CV of each other and if they are interested, both families will have a lunch together. If they don't hit it off, or their parents don't like some member of the other family, they usually never meet again. Otherwise, they'll start dating and in many cases, get married. Kind of like an online dating site with the parents involved. Of course, I've heard from my mom that the social pressure to young girls to get married was much stronger 40 years ago, but this is not exactly what the English word "arranged marriage" means as far as I know.

That said, there are still couples, about 7%, who meet and get married through "お見合い" in Japan.