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12-15-2008, 08:56 PM
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I know, I go too fast with not enough detail. thanks! Here is a prologue for another story. The Broken-street society, It was a place for all the runaways, dropouts, orphans, train hoppers, and girls who got pregnant and couldn't bear to tell their parents. It started with the six of us trying to find a hideout, the six of us-the founders; Me, Sam, the twins: Sarah and Fiona, Andy, and Tom. Sarah and Fiona had run away from their divorced parents when they found out they were going to be separated. Andy was a fifteen year old train hopper. We had found her running from the cops, (and her mother) and we gave her a place to stay. Genn was the youngest, only 13 years old; he had lived with his rich alcoholic father. When the business crashed and his father killed himself; Genn came to live with us. And then there was Tom, he was tall dark and handsome, but quiet and moody. Tom refused to tell us his story. And there's me, Snake, I think I was the first teenager to ever run away from the circus. it is not very good, it goes too fast and there is not much story to it. 
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12-15-2008, 08:58 PM
Eragon and all of the Lord of the Rings, including the Hobbit, had maps of the country in the fronts of their books. They still explained layouts, countrysides, etc. because a map only gets you so far. Hell, play any fantasy based MMO with a map, and compare it to the world you're playing in; you'll notice a great deal of detail missing from the map. Maps work for reference only to the reader, everything else is on you.
You've got a point, it's a good trick to play off something important to explain it later, enticing the reader to keep reading. But then, as I mentioned earlier, why was it trying to be sold, if it's that important? Make sure motivations are solid throughout your story, otherwise your reader won't be able to connect, even on the basic level of things. I believe it's Moby Dick that has an entire chapter devoted to describing only one thing. Boring to the average reader, yes, but to the literary community, that's powerful as hell. And all of it was important, not just jibberish to keep things going. As a fantasy writer, your duty is to bring the readers along for the ride to a world that doesn't and will never exist, which is the whole point of presenting a reader with a fantasy novel in the first place. Therefore, half of your task is to describe in greatest detail the world these people inhabit, and half is devoted to enticing your reader to stay in it. You don't have to go as far as Tolkein did in creating a language, massive history, dozens of races, each with their own history, etc., but you do need to invest in it. You're the creator of this world, and if it's boring, not even your characters will want to be there. Histories are supposed to be complicated, and half of the time, the characters in the novel are coming to terms with the repercussions of what has happened in the not too distant past. However, just because a history may be long doesn't mean you have to devote a whole chapter to exposing it. The sum of the history of 1984 isn't divulged in a chapter or two, but told through the people that live in the society, and the government's effects on those people. Different genre, but you get the point: if the cities in ruins, was it because of a war? Are there any people banding together in tribes to survive? Or has there been a massive economic crisis, benefiting those in power by slandering the freedoms of those less fortunate? This all adds flesh to your characters; your characters aren't defined by their time on screen alone. It sounds like you got some work, but you know that, and it sounds like you're letting on more than you're revealing, which may be ok for the reader as a whole, but it's a fine line to walk. Keep at it. How in the world do people reach 1,000+ posts?  Skadoosh.
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12-15-2008, 09:11 PM
Thank you Thirdsight.
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Yes, I have been trying to get to the part where it is right to explain the reason the city is broken. it is not really because of a war. My problem is I am trying to write the story of the world and these people through many peoples point of view. thanks again.
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12-16-2008, 04:50 AM
Here is another story. Its basically a draft. I know I wrote it movie style.
Its amazing how much useless stuff the Priors had." I said to myself, kicking a half melted plastic doll in front of me. I continued to search the demolished house. Finding only a few cans of food, I left. "Stupid useless Priors." I walked through the streets of the city that had once been teaming with life and noise. Everywhere that I looked there was death and destruction. Once, before the Disaster, this had been a grand city with buildings so tall and people everywhere. Now there was nothing but the skeletons of skyscrapers and empty cars everywhere like dead beetles. A harsh wind whipped my hair around my face, bringing with it a putrid and unpleasantly familiar smell. Rotting flesh. I looked around, unknowingly I had walked into the dead part of the city, the part no one entered, not even me. I stood, frozen, waiting for them to come. Nothing happened, the city around me stayed at still and quiet as ever. Moving carefully I tiptoed around large pieces of metal and warped glass pulling out my gun as I went. "My, am I stupid. Walking into Z territory." I scolded myself. The sun was setting, casting long jagged shadows over my path. My heart began to pound. "The night approaches." I half jogged to the side of my old green army truck, got in and turned the key. The truck started up with a roar, I jammed it into gear and started off. Behind me I could hear the shrieks and moans of the Z, awaking to the scent of human. I pressed the gas, urging the truck forward. Looking in the rear view mirror I saw nothing but swirling dust clouds rising behind me. The roaring truck slowed and finally stopped in front of a large round topped storage container. I jumped out of the truck grabbing my R6-15 as I went. The sun had almost set, its dieing light cast bloody shadows over the barren landscape. There is going to be more of a story later on, but this is just an idea.
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12-16-2008, 08:53 AM
Animebaby, when a writer hits a bit of a hard spot, they hit that same hard spot in the remainder in their writing. Problems I'll encounter in poetry won't transfer over to my narrative, but problems in one narrative can and will be seen in other narratives that I write. You're posting drafts of works here, which is a good idea, but now that we've located what needs working on, you need to work on it. Posting the same stuff with different setting, different characters, and different plot lines doesn't help any and wastes the time of those you're asking to review your work.
Let's review: - Make dialogue less wordy and more meaningful. A bit wordy here and there is alright and fine, but it shouldn't make up the bulk of what your characters say. - Your first lines need to be powerful. Entice the reader to read more, but don't disappoint by having a badass first line with a horribly written remainder of a novel or short story. - Describe your setting in greater detail. A writer's considered an artist for a reason: we can paint pictures with words and ink instead of colors and pastels. Be an artist. - Just like with your first line, your novel should entice further reading. Providing too many questions or mysteries about what's going on to the reader all at once will make them put it down. Even mystery and suspense novels know how to put a siphon on filtering in mysterious information and answering questions later. It's tough, but you'll get the hang of it with practice. - Loose cliches, even in first drafts. You'll have less work to do later, and you'll expand your ability to write tenfold twice as fast, trust me. - By reading what you've posted, I see a good deal of versatility at times in your word choice, making me feel as if you have a fairly extensive vocabulary, but are holding back. Have fun with language. Write things to be fantastical, even when they're mundane and boring. Don't be afraid to do anything in writing, because you can always go back and change it if you need to. - You seem to know your characters, but only as acquaintances. A lot of the words they speak seem forced, as if they're reading a script. If you're writing fiction, know your characters so well that you'd be able to point them out when walking the street. At that point, they'll do the talking themselves, and you can focus on other things. Sounds crazy, but the more you know your character's motivations, dreams, goals, troubles, boundaries, etc., the more their own personal voice will work their way through you when you write. You're well on your way. Just edit everything you do; we don't want to see rough drafts. While it's a great way to get things work-shopped the first time around, after reading a few pieces here and there, reviewers or fellow work-shoppers are going to want to see some improvement. Keep on truckin'. How in the world do people reach 1,000+ posts? Skadoosh.
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12-16-2008, 11:00 AM
I like the first story the best, I want to read more of it
 but as Thirdsight said the 2 chapters are a bit disconnected
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12-16-2008, 08:41 PM
Thank you guys for all the advice.
See, these stories are just...side things, it sounds dorky but the stories i write the most and use all my talent(....) for is my fan-fiction..  Quote:
Thank you again for putting up with me, I am sorry for the rough drafts, I just barely have time to edit. I am glad you guys are giving me real advice, not telling me "It's good." The only other people I show my writing to is my mother and sisters, and they say that it's "Really good." Thats why I posted this. So thanks again, I will take your advice, This has been really helpful.
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12-16-2008, 08:56 PM
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Ah. Well, let me give another piece of advice. Whenever you write a piece of work, always, and I mean, ALWAYS write to your fullest. If you write sloppily for rough drafts, then you'll slowly start integrating that into your best work with habit. Best to break out of that habit. Also, using all the advice we've given you, post a fanfic, or even, make a very short story on the spot. So we can see if you've taken it all in.
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